Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Lot of candidates getting into the Halloween spirit. Today, John Edwards said he was going to get a $15 haircut and go as someone from the other America.
Even FEMA employees are celebrating Halloween. They’re all getting dressed up as reporters this year.
According to the latest polls, Chris Dodd is at zero percent of the vote. Zero percent! Do you know what that means? Even he isn’t voting for himself.
Ron Paul is a congressman and a doctor. He’s also a practicing gynecologist. He’s the only presidential candidate to tell women to take off their clothes more times than Bill Clinton.
David Letterman
Such a nice day here in New York City, Alex Rodriguez opted out of his pants.
We’re running a special promotion here at the Ed Sullivan Theatre. If you see a rat, you get a free taco.
Everyone excited about Halloween? Every year, they try to contact Houdini on Halloween. And I thought, “Wait a minute — isn’t that one of the good things about being dead, not having to take calls?”
The marathon is this weekend in new York City. Along the route they have those portable toilets — or as Sen. Larry Craig calls them — singles' rooms.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Dick Cheney's Hunting Trip
10. "Has everyone updated their will?"
9. "The crisp air is giving me goose bumps — no, wait, it's another heart attack"
8. "This can't end well"
7. "My pacemaker also makes bird calls"
6. "I want that quail taken alive — let's find out what the son of a bitch knows"
5. "Bush was supposed to come, but his father got him out of it"
4. "Condi, grab a shotgun and go get yourself a man"
3. No No.3 — writers making picket signs for upcoming strike"
2. "You shoot one guy in the face, avoid talking to authorities, delay taking a blood-alcohol test, and you're labeled a bad guy"
1. "Duck!"
Conan O'Brien
In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, “Cannibals need a hug.”
Presidential candidate Bill Richardson called on all candidates to end all negative campaigning. When they heard this, all the other candidates rolled their eyes and said, “Whatever you say, fatboy.”
Sources in Barack Obama’s campaign say that Obama has been watching old tapes of Bill Clinton to improve his style. Which explains why Obama now starts every sentence with “Honey, I can explain.”
Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney went pheasant hunting. He’s hunting again. This time, to be on the safe side, Cheney chose as his partner, a pheasant.
Craig Ferguson
Big Democratic debate tonight. Reports say Barack Obama gets ready for the debates by studying Bill Clinton’s techniques. I guess that would explain why he wasn’t wearing any pants.
Not a good day for Hillary Clinton. She was criticized by Mitt Romney. He was saying that she has no experience; he called her an intern. It’s ridiculous! If she was an intern, Bill would be sleeping with her.
On Halloween, teenagers are known to play pranks. They throw eggs at people’s houses . . . I’ve never understood that. In Los Angeles, they don’t throw eggs. They only throw egg whites. Throwing the whole egg would cause a riot in this town. Is that the yolk!?! You saboteurs! It’ll go straight to my hips!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Halloween is tomorrow. Boston is on a roll — not only did the Sox win another World Series, the Patriots are undefeated; the Celtics have the strongest team in a long time; and Boston won the World’s Largest Pumpkin growing contest. It went to Ted Kennedy’s head.
Britney Spears' new album is getting great reviews despite being recorded in her car, at a Taco Bell drive through.
It’s called “Blackout” and it’s expected to debut at No. 1 on the Billboard charts. They’re expecting it to go gold, then go platinum, then go bald . . .
Jay Leno
Lot of candidates getting into the Halloween spirit. Today, John Edwards said he was going to get a $15 haircut and go as someone from the other America.
Even FEMA employees are celebrating Halloween. They’re all getting dressed up as reporters this year.
According to the latest polls, Chris Dodd is at zero percent of the vote. Zero percent! Do you know what that means? Even he isn’t voting for himself.
Ron Paul is a congressman and a doctor. He’s also a practicing gynecologist. He’s the only presidential candidate to tell women to take off their clothes more times than Bill Clinton.
David Letterman
Such a nice day here in New York City, Alex Rodriguez opted out of his pants.
We’re running a special promotion here at the Ed Sullivan Theatre. If you see a rat, you get a free taco.
Everyone excited about Halloween? Every year, they try to contact Houdini on Halloween. And I thought, “Wait a minute — isn’t that one of the good things about being dead, not having to take calls?”
The marathon is this weekend in new York City. Along the route they have those portable toilets — or as Sen. Larry Craig calls them — singles' rooms.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Dick Cheney's Hunting Trip
10. "Has everyone updated their will?"
9. "The crisp air is giving me goose bumps — no, wait, it's another heart attack"
8. "This can't end well"
7. "My pacemaker also makes bird calls"
6. "I want that quail taken alive — let's find out what the son of a bitch knows"
5. "Bush was supposed to come, but his father got him out of it"
4. "Condi, grab a shotgun and go get yourself a man"
3. No No.3 — writers making picket signs for upcoming strike"
2. "You shoot one guy in the face, avoid talking to authorities, delay taking a blood-alcohol test, and you're labeled a bad guy"
1. "Duck!"
Conan O'Brien
In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, “Cannibals need a hug.”
Presidential candidate Bill Richardson called on all candidates to end all negative campaigning. When they heard this, all the other candidates rolled their eyes and said, “Whatever you say, fatboy.”
Sources in Barack Obama’s campaign say that Obama has been watching old tapes of Bill Clinton to improve his style. Which explains why Obama now starts every sentence with “Honey, I can explain.”
Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney went pheasant hunting. He’s hunting again. This time, to be on the safe side, Cheney chose as his partner, a pheasant.
Craig Ferguson
Big Democratic debate tonight. Reports say Barack Obama gets ready for the debates by studying Bill Clinton’s techniques. I guess that would explain why he wasn’t wearing any pants.
Not a good day for Hillary Clinton. She was criticized by Mitt Romney. He was saying that she has no experience; he called her an intern. It’s ridiculous! If she was an intern, Bill would be sleeping with her.
On Halloween, teenagers are known to play pranks. They throw eggs at people’s houses . . . I’ve never understood that. In Los Angeles, they don’t throw eggs. They only throw egg whites. Throwing the whole egg would cause a riot in this town. Is that the yolk!?! You saboteurs! It’ll go straight to my hips!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Halloween is tomorrow. Boston is on a roll — not only did the Sox win another World Series, the Patriots are undefeated; the Celtics have the strongest team in a long time; and Boston won the World’s Largest Pumpkin growing contest. It went to Ted Kennedy’s head.
Britney Spears' new album is getting great reviews despite being recorded in her car, at a Taco Bell drive through.
It’s called “Blackout” and it’s expected to debut at No. 1 on the Billboard charts. They’re expecting it to go gold, then go platinum, then go bald . . .
