Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Earlier tonight, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig was interviewed by Matt Lauer. The interview was conducted in Sen. Craig’s home in Idaho. Beautiful home — four bedrooms, 29 bathrooms.
One embarrassing moment. Half way through the interview, Craig’s wife came into the room and said, “Is this another one of your boy toys?”
President Bush met with the Dalai Lama today . . . another embarrassing moment. Bush said, “Where’s the Llama?”
China is outraged that we would honor the Dalai Lama at the White House. I hope they don’t try to get back at us — you know, maybe put lead in our toys or antifreeze in our toothpaste.
David Letterman
Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35 million. Whoa. Here’s how they break that down: $5 million for advertising, $30 million for pantsuits.
She raised $35 million in three months — that’s the most money raised by any woman if you don’t count what Oprah has made since March.
Yesterday Hillary Clinton was a guest on “The View.” Just when you thought that panel couldn’t get any hotter.
Big day — the Dalai Lama visited at the White House. He rang the doorbell and Bush answered and said, “Oh, let me get some candy.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions President Bush Asked The Dalai Lama
10. "What is that some kind of Halloween get-up?"
9. "Is there a peaceful way for me to bomb Iran back to the stone age?"
8. "I got one for you — why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?"
7. "Where's Mrs. Lama?"
6. "Are you that Japanese guy my dad threw up on?"
5. "Is it true yoga is the new oil?"
4. "What the hell is happening on 'Lost'?"
3. "How's business in Dollywood?"
2. "Have you ever met Dr. Phil?"
1. "I know your cousin Barack O'Lama"
Conan O'Brien
Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, “Who’s the bald chick in the dress?”
Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he’s not even thinking about running for president because he’s thinking about the Heisman trophy.
Yesterday Britney Spears turned herself into police headquarters for a previous hit-and-run accident. While taking the mug shot photo, police said, “No, no Britney — we want a picture of your face.”
Today at JFK airport the FBI arrested baggage handlers who apparently took part in a cocaine smuggling ring. The FBI became suspicious when they noticed the handlers were losing the luggage twice as fast.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for Madonna. She’s signed a 10-year record deal. That means she’ll be making records until she’s nearly 60. Instead of singing “express yourself,” she’ll be singing “I wet myself.”
There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. This is the first time the words divorce and fair are being used together in the same sentence.
It’s going to be a two-day extravaganza with lawyers, and mediators, and private detectives, fun-filled rides with signs on the rides that say, “You Must Be THIS Bitter to Go on This Ride.”
What would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I need some Space Mountain.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Boss’ Day. Today is the 50th annual Boss’ Day. It was originally known as National Ass-Kissers Day.
Matt Lauer sat down with Idaho senator and bathroom aficionado Larry Craig. Craig continues to deny that he solicited for sex. It was fun to watch the senator sit there with his wife talking about how gay he isn’t.
I would have encouraged them to make love on camera to prove it.
Jay Leno
Earlier tonight, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig was interviewed by Matt Lauer. The interview was conducted in Sen. Craig’s home in Idaho. Beautiful home — four bedrooms, 29 bathrooms.
One embarrassing moment. Half way through the interview, Craig’s wife came into the room and said, “Is this another one of your boy toys?”
President Bush met with the Dalai Lama today . . . another embarrassing moment. Bush said, “Where’s the Llama?”
China is outraged that we would honor the Dalai Lama at the White House. I hope they don’t try to get back at us — you know, maybe put lead in our toys or antifreeze in our toothpaste.
David Letterman
Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35 million. Whoa. Here’s how they break that down: $5 million for advertising, $30 million for pantsuits.
She raised $35 million in three months — that’s the most money raised by any woman if you don’t count what Oprah has made since March.
Yesterday Hillary Clinton was a guest on “The View.” Just when you thought that panel couldn’t get any hotter.
Big day — the Dalai Lama visited at the White House. He rang the doorbell and Bush answered and said, “Oh, let me get some candy.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions President Bush Asked The Dalai Lama
10. "What is that some kind of Halloween get-up?"
9. "Is there a peaceful way for me to bomb Iran back to the stone age?"
8. "I got one for you — why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?"
7. "Where's Mrs. Lama?"
6. "Are you that Japanese guy my dad threw up on?"
5. "Is it true yoga is the new oil?"
4. "What the hell is happening on 'Lost'?"
3. "How's business in Dollywood?"
2. "Have you ever met Dr. Phil?"
1. "I know your cousin Barack O'Lama"
Conan O'Brien
Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, “Who’s the bald chick in the dress?”
Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he’s not even thinking about running for president because he’s thinking about the Heisman trophy.
Yesterday Britney Spears turned herself into police headquarters for a previous hit-and-run accident. While taking the mug shot photo, police said, “No, no Britney — we want a picture of your face.”
Today at JFK airport the FBI arrested baggage handlers who apparently took part in a cocaine smuggling ring. The FBI became suspicious when they noticed the handlers were losing the luggage twice as fast.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for Madonna. She’s signed a 10-year record deal. That means she’ll be making records until she’s nearly 60. Instead of singing “express yourself,” she’ll be singing “I wet myself.”
There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. This is the first time the words divorce and fair are being used together in the same sentence.
It’s going to be a two-day extravaganza with lawyers, and mediators, and private detectives, fun-filled rides with signs on the rides that say, “You Must Be THIS Bitter to Go on This Ride.”
What would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I need some Space Mountain.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Boss’ Day. Today is the 50th annual Boss’ Day. It was originally known as National Ass-Kissers Day.
Matt Lauer sat down with Idaho senator and bathroom aficionado Larry Craig. Craig continues to deny that he solicited for sex. It was fun to watch the senator sit there with his wife talking about how gay he isn’t.
I would have encouraged them to make love on camera to prove it.
