Friday, October 19, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The big story: Dick Cheney and Barack Obama — related! They are eighth cousins. Dick Cheney, Darth Vader? Second cousins.
President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House. One awkward moment: When the Dalai Lama walked into the Oval Office wearing the traditional robe, Bush started chanting, “Toga! Toga!”
The Dalai Lama told Bush that he has seen evil first hand. President Bush said, “Great — you got to meet Vice President Cheney.”
China, of course, was not happy with the U.S. honoring the Dalai Lama. They’re very upset about it. In fact, they are threatening to quit pirating our movies and DVDs for a whole week.
David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberger wants to plant 1 million trees in New York City. A million trees. They want to create a whole new image for Manhattan. From now on, exploding steam pipes will be called geysers.
It turns out Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are cousins. Imagine how terrible it would be to find out that you’re related to some cranky old guy.
Just ask my son.
Lynne Cheney, Dick Cheney’s wife, is saying that she would be uncomfortable with Hillary Clinton running the country. Bill said, “Join the club.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Joe Torre Quit
10. Yankees wanted to pay him in Radio Shack gift certificates
9. Got caught stealing Rosin bags
8. Joining cast of the Broadway musical "Legally Blonde"
7. Wants to manage a winning team like the Colorado Whatever-Their-Name-Is
6. Couldn't bear the grind of sitting on his ass watching baseball another second
5. Looking to focus on managing his fantasy baseball team
4. Wants to go someplace more peaceful — like Fallujah
3. 5 million dollars a year — how's the man supposed to live?
2. Doesn't want to be working when he's 90 like Letterman
1. Even Yogi Berra told him, "It's over"
Conan O'Brien
During a speech at the Capitol, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartener. When he heard this, President Bush said, “No one likes a show-off.”
This week, the U.S. Army removed several recruiting ads from a Web site because they said the Web site targets homosexual men. The ads said, “Uncle Sam Wants You — Bad.”
Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife said that Vice President Cheney is actually a distant cousin of Barack Obama. At first Obama was skeptical, then he remembered that his great-great grandmother once had a demon out of wedlock.
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich got into some trouble this weekend because he was campaigning in Red Sox territory while wearing a Cleveland Indians hat. Finally someone walked up to his wife and said, “Tell your son to take off that hat.”
Craig Ferguson
A fisherman in Florida caught an 844-pound shark. When I heard that someone had caught an 844-pound, cold-blooded eating machine, I thought that’s it — Rush Limbaugh’s finally been taken out.
There was a very important awards show this week. High Times magazine had the annual Stony Awards. The ceremony didn’t go very well — half way through everyone forgot why they were there.
It was like the Golden Globes all over again.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The second annual Hip-Hop Awards were aired last night by BET. I noticed a theme in the opening announcements: “We’ve got David Banner, Busta Rhymes, Lil’ Boosie, Lil’ Mama, Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Jon, Lil’ Italy, Lil’ Debbie, Lil’ Orphan Annie, Lil’ House on the Prairie . . .”
It’s a Lil’ Palooza over there.
More drama between Ellen DeGeneres and the dog adoption group Mutts and Moms. Earlier this week Ellen gave her hairdresser’s family this dog, and the group came and took the dog from the house. Ellen was so upset she canceled her show today. The group says it has received some death threats and aired some of then: “I’m calling about the love seat on Craigslist. Does it have any stains?” I guess not all were threats.
Paris Hilton is off to Rwanda next month to do charity work, and to prove what a good person she’s become, she’s taking a camera crew with her to film it for her new reality show. Isn’t that generous? As far as I know, Paris Hilton has one talent: having sex with people. If she wants to do something positive, she should go to Baghdad and have sex with the troops.
Jay Leno
The big story: Dick Cheney and Barack Obama — related! They are eighth cousins. Dick Cheney, Darth Vader? Second cousins.
President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House. One awkward moment: When the Dalai Lama walked into the Oval Office wearing the traditional robe, Bush started chanting, “Toga! Toga!”
The Dalai Lama told Bush that he has seen evil first hand. President Bush said, “Great — you got to meet Vice President Cheney.”
China, of course, was not happy with the U.S. honoring the Dalai Lama. They’re very upset about it. In fact, they are threatening to quit pirating our movies and DVDs for a whole week.
David Letterman
Mayor Bloomberger wants to plant 1 million trees in New York City. A million trees. They want to create a whole new image for Manhattan. From now on, exploding steam pipes will be called geysers.
It turns out Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are cousins. Imagine how terrible it would be to find out that you’re related to some cranky old guy.
Just ask my son.
Lynne Cheney, Dick Cheney’s wife, is saying that she would be uncomfortable with Hillary Clinton running the country. Bill said, “Join the club.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Joe Torre Quit
10. Yankees wanted to pay him in Radio Shack gift certificates
9. Got caught stealing Rosin bags
8. Joining cast of the Broadway musical "Legally Blonde"
7. Wants to manage a winning team like the Colorado Whatever-Their-Name-Is
6. Couldn't bear the grind of sitting on his ass watching baseball another second
5. Looking to focus on managing his fantasy baseball team
4. Wants to go someplace more peaceful — like Fallujah
3. 5 million dollars a year — how's the man supposed to live?
2. Doesn't want to be working when he's 90 like Letterman
1. Even Yogi Berra told him, "It's over"
Conan O'Brien
During a speech at the Capitol, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartener. When he heard this, President Bush said, “No one likes a show-off.”
This week, the U.S. Army removed several recruiting ads from a Web site because they said the Web site targets homosexual men. The ads said, “Uncle Sam Wants You — Bad.”
Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife said that Vice President Cheney is actually a distant cousin of Barack Obama. At first Obama was skeptical, then he remembered that his great-great grandmother once had a demon out of wedlock.
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich got into some trouble this weekend because he was campaigning in Red Sox territory while wearing a Cleveland Indians hat. Finally someone walked up to his wife and said, “Tell your son to take off that hat.”
Craig Ferguson
A fisherman in Florida caught an 844-pound shark. When I heard that someone had caught an 844-pound, cold-blooded eating machine, I thought that’s it — Rush Limbaugh’s finally been taken out.
There was a very important awards show this week. High Times magazine had the annual Stony Awards. The ceremony didn’t go very well — half way through everyone forgot why they were there.
It was like the Golden Globes all over again.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The second annual Hip-Hop Awards were aired last night by BET. I noticed a theme in the opening announcements: “We’ve got David Banner, Busta Rhymes, Lil’ Boosie, Lil’ Mama, Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Jon, Lil’ Italy, Lil’ Debbie, Lil’ Orphan Annie, Lil’ House on the Prairie . . .”
It’s a Lil’ Palooza over there.
More drama between Ellen DeGeneres and the dog adoption group Mutts and Moms. Earlier this week Ellen gave her hairdresser’s family this dog, and the group came and took the dog from the house. Ellen was so upset she canceled her show today. The group says it has received some death threats and aired some of then: “I’m calling about the love seat on Craigslist. Does it have any stains?” I guess not all were threats.
Paris Hilton is off to Rwanda next month to do charity work, and to prove what a good person she’s become, she’s taking a camera crew with her to film it for her new reality show. Isn’t that generous? As far as I know, Paris Hilton has one talent: having sex with people. If she wants to do something positive, she should go to Baghdad and have sex with the troops.
