Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Yesterday at Columbia University was Take Your Insane Dictator to Work day.
There was a lot of controversy about him speaking there. I have to admit, I didn’t like it. If he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way — you win an Academy Award.
As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday — my favorite was when he said, “There are no homosexuals in Iran.” Today, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission.
In a recent interview former President Bill Clinton was asked how he would handle being a “first husband.” If Hillary gets elected that would be his title. He said he would have no problem being a first husband. Being a husband first — that’s a problem.
David Letterman
So nice today, O.J. Simpson was stealing sun block.
It was so nice that the United Nations canceled the global warming conference and went to the beach.
The California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was also at the U.N. summit. He did not speak — they just needed him to move a podium.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — according to this guy, there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During President Ahmadinejad's Trip to New York City
10. "Being here makes me realize how much I miss torturing dissidents"
9. "I would like to meet 'Whoopi'"
8. "For a blood-thirsty madman, he dressed pretty sharp"
7. "Let's go to Mahmoud on the car phone who wants to talk about Notre Dame football"
4. "Death to overpriced midtown parking garages"
3. "Instead of dealing in terror, maybe we should look into this sugar business"
1. "I thought I was a prick, but then I met Donald Trump"
Conan O'Brien
Crazy time here in New York City. The president of Iran still in town. Yesterday he said his country doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one Iranian will take another Iranian’s penis hostage.
Apple launched its iPhone in Europe. It’s being criticized for not being European enough — it actually worked the entire month of August.
In Chicago, a couple who are Cubs fans have named their baby Wrigley Field. Apparently the couple expects their baby to be a lot of fun, but ultimately disappointing.
In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately killed by all the rats in the kitchen.
Craig Ferguson
It’s the first day of fall. You can tell it’s getting a little colder here because Paris Hilton’s wearing underwear again . . .
Not such a great day for Kiefer Sutherland. He was arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense: It was someone else’s alcohol in his blood.
New programming is premiering. I saw some funny shows last night. I saw a fantastic new comedian last night: the president of Iran.
Mahmoud I’m-a-dinner-jacket. He’s going to have to get a show-biz name . . . something nicer for the kids . . . MC Dinner-jacket. There you go.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Halo 3 came out today. It’s an online video game, which means while you’re playing, you get to meet other Halo fans from all over the world and kill them.
The president of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud A-Members-Only-jacket-jad addressed the United Nations.
He says there are no homosexuals in Iran. He looked very hard — he even placed personal ads.
Maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran he’d be better dressed.
Jay Leno
Yesterday at Columbia University was Take Your Insane Dictator to Work day.
There was a lot of controversy about him speaking there. I have to admit, I didn’t like it. If he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way — you win an Academy Award.
As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday — my favorite was when he said, “There are no homosexuals in Iran.” Today, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission.
In a recent interview former President Bill Clinton was asked how he would handle being a “first husband.” If Hillary gets elected that would be his title. He said he would have no problem being a first husband. Being a husband first — that’s a problem.
David Letterman
So nice today, O.J. Simpson was stealing sun block.
It was so nice that the United Nations canceled the global warming conference and went to the beach.
The California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was also at the U.N. summit. He did not speak — they just needed him to move a podium.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — according to this guy, there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During President Ahmadinejad's Trip to New York City
10. "Being here makes me realize how much I miss torturing dissidents"
9. "I would like to meet 'Whoopi'"
8. "For a blood-thirsty madman, he dressed pretty sharp"
7. "Let's go to Mahmoud on the car phone who wants to talk about Notre Dame football"
4. "Death to overpriced midtown parking garages"
3. "Instead of dealing in terror, maybe we should look into this sugar business"
1. "I thought I was a prick, but then I met Donald Trump"
Conan O'Brien
Crazy time here in New York City. The president of Iran still in town. Yesterday he said his country doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one Iranian will take another Iranian’s penis hostage.
Apple launched its iPhone in Europe. It’s being criticized for not being European enough — it actually worked the entire month of August.
In Chicago, a couple who are Cubs fans have named their baby Wrigley Field. Apparently the couple expects their baby to be a lot of fun, but ultimately disappointing.
In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately killed by all the rats in the kitchen.
Craig Ferguson
It’s the first day of fall. You can tell it’s getting a little colder here because Paris Hilton’s wearing underwear again . . .
Not such a great day for Kiefer Sutherland. He was arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense: It was someone else’s alcohol in his blood.
New programming is premiering. I saw some funny shows last night. I saw a fantastic new comedian last night: the president of Iran.
Mahmoud I’m-a-dinner-jacket. He’s going to have to get a show-biz name . . . something nicer for the kids . . . MC Dinner-jacket. There you go.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Halo 3 came out today. It’s an online video game, which means while you’re playing, you get to meet other Halo fans from all over the world and kill them.
The president of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud A-Members-Only-jacket-jad addressed the United Nations.
He says there are no homosexuals in Iran. He looked very hard — he even placed personal ads.
Maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran he’d be better dressed.
