Thursday, September 27, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
This Saturday in Washington D.C. they will hold the 7th Annual National Book Festival. First lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joy of reading, and President Bush will give the rebuttal.
It’s official — Congress now has the lowest approval rating of any Congress in the history of the United States. It is just 11 percent. In fact, their approval rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia University.
Advertisers have announced plans to put up giant billboards at the runway at LAX so passengers can read them while sitting on the plane on the runway. They say it’s a way to reach people who come to visit L.A. . . . If you want to reach millions of people who are coming to L.A., put the sign up at the border.
More trouble for Britney Spears. She was charged with not having a valid California driver’s license. You know why Britney didn’t have a license here in California? Because she’s here legally.
David Letterman
This just in: The weather bureau has announced that autumn has been postponed until January.
So nice today, Iranian President Ahmadinejad said he was enriching Jamba Juice.
This is a historic night: The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians.
Here’s good news: President Bush says he has a plan to stop Iran’s nuclear program. He’s going to have O.J. steal Iran’s plutonium.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Baby Is Too Fat
10. She has your eyes and Barry Bonds' head
9. Doctor says, "It's a . . . Good Lord!"
8. "Baby carriage" is a forklift
7. The kid's got more chins than fingers
6. Incubator littered with baby back ribs
5. Local news crew shows up thinking a baby elephant has been born
4. His pacifier is a stick of butter
3. Nevermind a c-section, you had a d-section! I tell you, folks, that's one fat baby!
2. First word: Bacon
1. Twice a day the kid gets mistaken for Rosie O'Donnell
Conan O'Brien
Iran’s President Ahmadinejad insisted that Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers there that oppose the government. So if you’re keeping track, that’s 30 opposition newspapers and zero gay people.
Last night Ahmadinejad invited several reporters over to his hotel for dinner. Apparently it went well, because early this morning, Barbara Walters was seen leaving in the same clothes.
The organizers of Hillary Clinton’s campaign are sponsoring a contest where the winner gets to watch a Democratic debate while sitting next to Bill Clinton. The rules specify no members of the press and no fat chicks.
In Russia, a woman gave birth to a 17-pound baby boy. The 17-pound baby has his mother’s eyes and his father’s pants.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for Phil Spector. He got a mistrial. The jury was spilt 10-2. Ten were in favor of conviction, two were in favor of bringing back the afro wig.
It’s a great day — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally went home. He was hilarious. He topped himself by saying if anyone knows of homosexuals living in Iran, he would like their names and addresses. Here’s what we should do: write down your funniest gay name — Ben Dover, Pat MCGroin, Ryan Seacrest . . . and we’ll send it to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
We have a phone number we can include along with his address: 555 FIND GAY.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
On “Dancing With the Stars,” Josie Maran got the bedazzled boot. It happened so fast — one bad night of dancing and it’s all over. Like Britney Spears.
Even worse news for her partner, who is being shipped back home to his home country in a container ship.
Another celebrity murder trial has come to an end. Phil Spector was somehow able to score a mistrial. Apparently his history of sticking guns in women’s mouths was not enough to convince the jury. The jury was deadlocked 10-2. Some of the jury said they were confused after being presented with so many conflicting hairdos.
Paris Hilton has not forgotten the charity work she promised. She says she is going on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda. She is getting her inoculations right now, and actually, the Rwandans are getting their inoculations too.
Jay Leno
This Saturday in Washington D.C. they will hold the 7th Annual National Book Festival. First lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joy of reading, and President Bush will give the rebuttal.
It’s official — Congress now has the lowest approval rating of any Congress in the history of the United States. It is just 11 percent. In fact, their approval rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia University.
Advertisers have announced plans to put up giant billboards at the runway at LAX so passengers can read them while sitting on the plane on the runway. They say it’s a way to reach people who come to visit L.A. . . . If you want to reach millions of people who are coming to L.A., put the sign up at the border.
More trouble for Britney Spears. She was charged with not having a valid California driver’s license. You know why Britney didn’t have a license here in California? Because she’s here legally.
David Letterman
This just in: The weather bureau has announced that autumn has been postponed until January.
So nice today, Iranian President Ahmadinejad said he was enriching Jamba Juice.
This is a historic night: The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians.
Here’s good news: President Bush says he has a plan to stop Iran’s nuclear program. He’s going to have O.J. steal Iran’s plutonium.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Baby Is Too Fat
10. She has your eyes and Barry Bonds' head
9. Doctor says, "It's a . . . Good Lord!"
8. "Baby carriage" is a forklift
7. The kid's got more chins than fingers
6. Incubator littered with baby back ribs
5. Local news crew shows up thinking a baby elephant has been born
4. His pacifier is a stick of butter
3. Nevermind a c-section, you had a d-section! I tell you, folks, that's one fat baby!
2. First word: Bacon
1. Twice a day the kid gets mistaken for Rosie O'Donnell
Conan O'Brien
Iran’s President Ahmadinejad insisted that Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers there that oppose the government. So if you’re keeping track, that’s 30 opposition newspapers and zero gay people.
Last night Ahmadinejad invited several reporters over to his hotel for dinner. Apparently it went well, because early this morning, Barbara Walters was seen leaving in the same clothes.
The organizers of Hillary Clinton’s campaign are sponsoring a contest where the winner gets to watch a Democratic debate while sitting next to Bill Clinton. The rules specify no members of the press and no fat chicks.
In Russia, a woman gave birth to a 17-pound baby boy. The 17-pound baby has his mother’s eyes and his father’s pants.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for Phil Spector. He got a mistrial. The jury was spilt 10-2. Ten were in favor of conviction, two were in favor of bringing back the afro wig.
It’s a great day — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally went home. He was hilarious. He topped himself by saying if anyone knows of homosexuals living in Iran, he would like their names and addresses. Here’s what we should do: write down your funniest gay name — Ben Dover, Pat MCGroin, Ryan Seacrest . . . and we’ll send it to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
We have a phone number we can include along with his address: 555 FIND GAY.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
On “Dancing With the Stars,” Josie Maran got the bedazzled boot. It happened so fast — one bad night of dancing and it’s all over. Like Britney Spears.
Even worse news for her partner, who is being shipped back home to his home country in a container ship.
Another celebrity murder trial has come to an end. Phil Spector was somehow able to score a mistrial. Apparently his history of sticking guns in women’s mouths was not enough to convince the jury. The jury was deadlocked 10-2. Some of the jury said they were confused after being presented with so many conflicting hairdos.
Paris Hilton has not forgotten the charity work she promised. She says she is going on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda. She is getting her inoculations right now, and actually, the Rwandans are getting their inoculations too.
