Friday, September 28, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
There is a mistrial in the Phil Spector murder case. The jury could not find Spector guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. You know something? I’m beginning to doubt we can find a reasonable jury.
Last night was the premier of the big show “Dancing Around the Issues,” otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate.
You get the government you deserve. If you watched, the three Democratic front-runners said last night . . . Hillary, Barack, John Edwards . . . that setting a timeline for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can’t project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling troops out basically depends on the situation on the ground . . . otherwise known as the Bush plan!
Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot. Two cyborgs connecting.
David Letterman
While he was here, Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran. So what they’re going to do now, they’re going to develop one of their own.
No gays in Iran. That’s why you have to go all the way to Turkey for a facial.
That’s why you have to go to Jordan to look at drapes.
That’s why you have to go to Syria to get a decent perm.
Conan O'Brien
Last night was the eighth Democratic debate. Some political experts were shocked at how much the other candidates went after Hillary Clinton. Even more shocking was when Bill Clinton yelled, “Get her!”
Speaking of Bill Clinton, yesterday at a global conference for poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, “Bill, this is the moment you’ve been training for your whole life.”
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich said he supports lowering the voting age to 16. Not only that, he supports lowering the lever in the voting booth so he can reach it.
The U.S. Treasury is issuing a new five dollar bill, with a much larger, easy-to-read five on it. Thanks to the large print, the five dollar bill will retain its status as the official birthday gift from old people.
Craig Ferguson
Bad news for Michael Vick: Yesterday he tested positive for marijuana. He’ll definitely do jail time now. That’s it. All the dogs across America are going, “Whoa. We’re safe.”
The new “Guinness Book of World Records” is out tomorrow. It has a new cover. I like the old cover, really. The one with two fat guys riding motorcycles. I like fat people, with their big bellies, tiny hooves . . .
I used to be on the “Drew Carey Show.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush was at a school in New York yesterday, talking about his commitment to education. Here’s what he said: “As yesterday’s progress report shows, childrens do learn.” It’s part of the No Childs Left Behind program.
There was a debate for Republican presidential candidates in Baltimore. It focused on minority issues. Giuliani, McCain, and Thompson didn’t show up. Apparently they all had scheduling conflicts that prevented them from going to a place where no one will vote for them.
Sharon Osbourne and Courtney Love have been feuding. Sharon Osbourne told a reporter that Courtney got her son Jack addicted to oxycontin when he was 15 years old. In a way, you have to blame the Osbournes for not teaching their kids about the dangers of Courtney Love.
Jay Leno
There is a mistrial in the Phil Spector murder case. The jury could not find Spector guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. You know something? I’m beginning to doubt we can find a reasonable jury.
Last night was the premier of the big show “Dancing Around the Issues,” otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate.
You get the government you deserve. If you watched, the three Democratic front-runners said last night . . . Hillary, Barack, John Edwards . . . that setting a timeline for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can’t project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling troops out basically depends on the situation on the ground . . . otherwise known as the Bush plan!
Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot. Two cyborgs connecting.
David Letterman
While he was here, Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran. So what they’re going to do now, they’re going to develop one of their own.
No gays in Iran. That’s why you have to go all the way to Turkey for a facial.
That’s why you have to go to Jordan to look at drapes.
That’s why you have to go to Syria to get a decent perm.
Conan O'Brien
Last night was the eighth Democratic debate. Some political experts were shocked at how much the other candidates went after Hillary Clinton. Even more shocking was when Bill Clinton yelled, “Get her!”
Speaking of Bill Clinton, yesterday at a global conference for poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, “Bill, this is the moment you’ve been training for your whole life.”
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich said he supports lowering the voting age to 16. Not only that, he supports lowering the lever in the voting booth so he can reach it.
The U.S. Treasury is issuing a new five dollar bill, with a much larger, easy-to-read five on it. Thanks to the large print, the five dollar bill will retain its status as the official birthday gift from old people.
Craig Ferguson
Bad news for Michael Vick: Yesterday he tested positive for marijuana. He’ll definitely do jail time now. That’s it. All the dogs across America are going, “Whoa. We’re safe.”
The new “Guinness Book of World Records” is out tomorrow. It has a new cover. I like the old cover, really. The one with two fat guys riding motorcycles. I like fat people, with their big bellies, tiny hooves . . .
I used to be on the “Drew Carey Show.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush was at a school in New York yesterday, talking about his commitment to education. Here’s what he said: “As yesterday’s progress report shows, childrens do learn.” It’s part of the No Childs Left Behind program.
There was a debate for Republican presidential candidates in Baltimore. It focused on minority issues. Giuliani, McCain, and Thompson didn’t show up. Apparently they all had scheduling conflicts that prevented them from going to a place where no one will vote for them.
Sharon Osbourne and Courtney Love have been feuding. Sharon Osbourne told a reporter that Courtney got her son Jack addicted to oxycontin when he was 15 years old. In a way, you have to blame the Osbournes for not teaching their kids about the dangers of Courtney Love.
