Friday, September 21, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
O.J. Simpson was released on $125,000 bail — or as he calls it, three jerseys, a signed pair of cleats . . . and I think a Super Bowl ring.
You why O.J. originally went to Las Vegas? For a wedding. He ends up in jail. Boy that’s a bad weekend for a guy!
Either one of those is a nightmare, but both of them! How many guys would take jail over the wedding?
Iranian President Mahmoud I’m-a-nutt-job . . . is that how you say his name? Is coming to New York. But he has been denied permission to go to ground zero in New York City. He wanted to go to ground zero. I have an idea. Is there anyway we can bring ground zero to him?
Conan O'Brien
Another presidential debate tonight. The election is still four years away. We’re having the 900th debate tonight.
The Democratic candidates are having a debate sponsored by the senior citizens group AARP. It was just like all the other debates except the moderator asked the same questions over and over.
While in Europe, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani called for the expansion of NATO. After hearing this, President Bush said, “I believe it is pronounced NINTENDO.”
Dan Rather announced yesterday he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, “Then I’m suing for $700 million.”
Craig Ferguson
Brad Pitt has a new movie out. “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.” The title tells you the whole damn movie!
That’s the short version. The original title was “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford who Plays Piano and Was Originally From Cleveland Has Nice Eyes and Small hands for a Man His Size.”
Apparently in the movie Brad Pitt has a nude scene. He takes a bath. A long, luxurious, soapy, steamy . . . bath. If they wanted people to see this movie they should have just named it “Brad Pitt in the Bath.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
O.J. Simpson is back in Florida tonight. He had to get back in time for the Wednesday night game of Yahtsee he plays with the Golden Girls.
O.J.’s flight back to Miami was uneventful — he even flew coach, where reporters covered the trip. Reporter: “O.J. Simpson was like an average passenger on this flight — napping, reading, fiddling with his headphones — even watching ‘Ocean’s Thirteen.’” He’s even watching movies about robberies in Las Vegas.
What is with this guy? Maybe he’s trying to figure out how to do it better next time.
Jay Leno
O.J. Simpson was released on $125,000 bail — or as he calls it, three jerseys, a signed pair of cleats . . . and I think a Super Bowl ring.
You why O.J. originally went to Las Vegas? For a wedding. He ends up in jail. Boy that’s a bad weekend for a guy!
Either one of those is a nightmare, but both of them! How many guys would take jail over the wedding?
Iranian President Mahmoud I’m-a-nutt-job . . . is that how you say his name? Is coming to New York. But he has been denied permission to go to ground zero in New York City. He wanted to go to ground zero. I have an idea. Is there anyway we can bring ground zero to him?
Conan O'Brien
Another presidential debate tonight. The election is still four years away. We’re having the 900th debate tonight.
The Democratic candidates are having a debate sponsored by the senior citizens group AARP. It was just like all the other debates except the moderator asked the same questions over and over.
While in Europe, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani called for the expansion of NATO. After hearing this, President Bush said, “I believe it is pronounced NINTENDO.”
Dan Rather announced yesterday he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, “Then I’m suing for $700 million.”
Craig Ferguson
Brad Pitt has a new movie out. “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.” The title tells you the whole damn movie!
That’s the short version. The original title was “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford who Plays Piano and Was Originally From Cleveland Has Nice Eyes and Small hands for a Man His Size.”
Apparently in the movie Brad Pitt has a nude scene. He takes a bath. A long, luxurious, soapy, steamy . . . bath. If they wanted people to see this movie they should have just named it “Brad Pitt in the Bath.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
O.J. Simpson is back in Florida tonight. He had to get back in time for the Wednesday night game of Yahtsee he plays with the Golden Girls.
O.J.’s flight back to Miami was uneventful — he even flew coach, where reporters covered the trip. Reporter: “O.J. Simpson was like an average passenger on this flight — napping, reading, fiddling with his headphones — even watching ‘Ocean’s Thirteen.’” He’s even watching movies about robberies in Las Vegas.
What is with this guy? Maybe he’s trying to figure out how to do it better next time.
