Thursday, September 13, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said that she had sex with married Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, two or three times a week over a four month period. Actually, this is good news for the Republicans: finally a sex scandal involving a woman. The Republicans are back to traditional family values.
China announced today they are recalling tens of thousands of Chinese-made condoms. First it was toothpaste, then dog food, then toys, now condoms. Do you realize the safest thing from china now is illegal fireworks?
They say that Britney Spears is already working on her next career move. Trying to come back from her comeback.
I understand this whole situation has made Britney Spears kids very nervous. Because of the way her performance went the other night, the kids are afraid that she might quit show business and become a full time mom.
David Letterman
Happy Rosh Hashana. It’s the Jewish New Year — and the year is 5768. It’s funny — I’m still writing 5767 on my checks.
Beautiful autumn day in New York City. It’s so, nice Kid Rock and Tommy Lee were fighting over a kite.
Rosie O’Donnell has a brand new book. And in the book, she calls Donald Trump a slug. A slug! Which had slugs asking their friends, “Does my hair look that bad?”
How about that Sen. Craig? He wants to withdraw that guilty plea. And I’m thinking, “What he should have withdrawn was his foot from that other guy’s stall.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Twelve Reasons I Love Racing
10. "Between the G-forces and the fumes, I'm loopy most of the time"
9. "Switch the 'R' and 'C' in 'Racing' and you get 'Caring'"
8. "Can hold 8 gigs of music on my new iHelmet"
5. "You can talk to your car and pretend you're David Hasselhoff"
4. "How many people can say their 'office' goes 200 miles per hour?"
3. "Driving fast and starting fights"
2. "It's not one of those sports you have to inject stuff in your ass to be good"
1. "Unlike most guys, I like it when my wife says, 'You're too fast'"
Conan O'Brien
Big football scandal. The New England Patriots have been accused of cheating in last week’s game by videotaping the coach’s signals. Now the Patriots know the Jets' signs for “fumble, give up a touchdown, and lose.”
Yesterday, Gen. Petraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Sen. Craig took 73 bathroom breaks.
"In China, a group of workers who make toys for Disney say they are forced to work 28 days a month, and up to 15 hours a day. A spokesman for the Chinese factory said, “Look — these toys aren’t going to lead-paint themselves.”
Last week prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn’t work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air.
Craig Ferguson
It’s great day for Russia. It’s calling today Conception Day. The Russian government is urging citizens to forget about their jobs today, and just make babies. We in the states — it’s Wednesday — we call it hump day.
If this country’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin!
The 2008 “Old Farmer’s Almanac” comes out today. It’s America’s oldest periodical. It’s been around since 1792. It’s like Larry King in old papery form. Like Larry King.
I love the ads. You can get an all-purpose hoe. The L.A. newspapers have ads for that. But you have to pay extra for “all purpose.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Happy Jewish New Year to those who are celebrating tonight. And I think two weeks from tonight is the Chinese Jewish New Year.
Here’s some good news: There are new estimates that the average life expectancy of the United States citizen has gone up: 80.4 years old for women, 75.2 years old for men. Finally, all that pomegranate juice is paying off.
There was a Monday night football double–header with Mike Ditka doing commentary. [Video of Mike Ditka grabbing his crotch.] You can see clearly the illegal use of hands.
There might be a little “holding” too, I don’t know.
Jay Leno
A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said that she had sex with married Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, two or three times a week over a four month period. Actually, this is good news for the Republicans: finally a sex scandal involving a woman. The Republicans are back to traditional family values.
China announced today they are recalling tens of thousands of Chinese-made condoms. First it was toothpaste, then dog food, then toys, now condoms. Do you realize the safest thing from china now is illegal fireworks?
They say that Britney Spears is already working on her next career move. Trying to come back from her comeback.
I understand this whole situation has made Britney Spears kids very nervous. Because of the way her performance went the other night, the kids are afraid that she might quit show business and become a full time mom.
David Letterman
Happy Rosh Hashana. It’s the Jewish New Year — and the year is 5768. It’s funny — I’m still writing 5767 on my checks.
Beautiful autumn day in New York City. It’s so, nice Kid Rock and Tommy Lee were fighting over a kite.
Rosie O’Donnell has a brand new book. And in the book, she calls Donald Trump a slug. A slug! Which had slugs asking their friends, “Does my hair look that bad?”
How about that Sen. Craig? He wants to withdraw that guilty plea. And I’m thinking, “What he should have withdrawn was his foot from that other guy’s stall.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Twelve Reasons I Love Racing
10. "Between the G-forces and the fumes, I'm loopy most of the time"
9. "Switch the 'R' and 'C' in 'Racing' and you get 'Caring'"
8. "Can hold 8 gigs of music on my new iHelmet"
5. "You can talk to your car and pretend you're David Hasselhoff"
4. "How many people can say their 'office' goes 200 miles per hour?"
3. "Driving fast and starting fights"
2. "It's not one of those sports you have to inject stuff in your ass to be good"
1. "Unlike most guys, I like it when my wife says, 'You're too fast'"
Conan O'Brien
Big football scandal. The New England Patriots have been accused of cheating in last week’s game by videotaping the coach’s signals. Now the Patriots know the Jets' signs for “fumble, give up a touchdown, and lose.”
Yesterday, Gen. Petraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Sen. Craig took 73 bathroom breaks.
"In China, a group of workers who make toys for Disney say they are forced to work 28 days a month, and up to 15 hours a day. A spokesman for the Chinese factory said, “Look — these toys aren’t going to lead-paint themselves.”
Last week prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn’t work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air.
Craig Ferguson
It’s great day for Russia. It’s calling today Conception Day. The Russian government is urging citizens to forget about their jobs today, and just make babies. We in the states — it’s Wednesday — we call it hump day.
If this country’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin!
The 2008 “Old Farmer’s Almanac” comes out today. It’s America’s oldest periodical. It’s been around since 1792. It’s like Larry King in old papery form. Like Larry King.
I love the ads. You can get an all-purpose hoe. The L.A. newspapers have ads for that. But you have to pay extra for “all purpose.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Happy Jewish New Year to those who are celebrating tonight. And I think two weeks from tonight is the Chinese Jewish New Year.
Here’s some good news: There are new estimates that the average life expectancy of the United States citizen has gone up: 80.4 years old for women, 75.2 years old for men. Finally, all that pomegranate juice is paying off.
There was a Monday night football double–header with Mike Ditka doing commentary. [Video of Mike Ditka grabbing his crotch.] You can see clearly the illegal use of hands.
There might be a little “holding” too, I don’t know.
