Friday, September 14, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
In Newark N.J., officials have begun posting names on the Internet of men who get caught visiting hookers. I don't know . . . is this a good idea? Giving the hookers a big client base to draw from?
Well, police across the country now say they're arresting more and more illegals who are prostitutes. But proponents say, "No, no. They're just doing guys American hookers will not do."
Football news. What's new with the Steelers? Not the Pittsburgh Steelers, the signal stealing New England Patriots?
The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping the opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals . . . This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Sen. Larry Craig got caught in that men's room.
David Letterman
How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken.
The name of Rosie O’Donnell’s new book is, “Take the Pound Cake.”
In it, Rosie O’Donnell says Barbara Walters is tired. You know, Rosie, at this point, we’re all getting a little tired . . .
Earlier today she was at Barnes & Noble for a book signing and arm wrestling.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Billy Bob Thornton Would Like To Say To America
10. "I was drunk when I agreed to do this list"
8. "I hope all that money doesn't change Leona Helmsley's dog"
7. "It's not easy being the most famous guy on the planet named Billy Bob"
6. "I based my character in 'Sling Blade' on Letterman"
4. "Even I find myself a little strange"
2. "I traded my Academy Award for a chimpanzee named Marty"
1. "People ask if there are any projects I've done that I regret. You're looking at it"
Conan O'Brien
Bill Clinton is promoting his new book. In an interview, Former President Bill Clinton says although most people don’t know it, Hillary has the best laugh. Bill added, “I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.”
Earlier tonight, President Bush gave his eighth speech about Iraq. He promised to have the troops home by speech No. 73.
Starbucks is considering adding a line of drinks that appeals to children. All Starbucks has to do now is figure out how to get kids to pay 12 bucks for a juice box.
Yesterday was Conception Day in Russia, where Russians were encouraged to have sex in order to increase their population. In the spirit of international cooperation, America sent Charlie Sheen.
Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for the rock star Sting. He was photographed leaving a brothel in Germany. He’s on tour. He may have to change the name of his song: “Every Little Thing She Does Costs Money.”
“Message in a Brothel.”
The city of Los Angeles has named a whole city block after Larry King. Larry is very proud: “My block is right behind the gas company.” So, to get there you've got to pass gas.
You know you’ve made it when you get part of the city named after you: John Wayne Airport, Johnny Carson Park, Ryan Seacrest Closet . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It looks like rapper Kanye West won that contest with 50 Cent. Both their albums came out on Tuesday. Kanye sold more albums, but 50 Cent sold more drugs.
All President Bush talks about is Gen. Petraeus. Aides say the president went though 20 drafts of his speech for last night. They say he still doesn’t know what it means: Something about Iraq, a lot about Petraeus . . .
More bad news for Britney. Her new song debuted at No. 85. Things don’t look great. But there was one ray of sunshine: Help is on the way in the form of the cast of "American Idol.” They said, “Collectively, we are going to mange Britney Spears. We are going to extend an offer.” Maybe before helping Britney Spears get on track, they should concentrate on getting Paula Abdul straightened out.
Jay Leno
In Newark N.J., officials have begun posting names on the Internet of men who get caught visiting hookers. I don't know . . . is this a good idea? Giving the hookers a big client base to draw from?
Well, police across the country now say they're arresting more and more illegals who are prostitutes. But proponents say, "No, no. They're just doing guys American hookers will not do."
Football news. What's new with the Steelers? Not the Pittsburgh Steelers, the signal stealing New England Patriots?
The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping the opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals . . . This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Sen. Larry Craig got caught in that men's room.
David Letterman
How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken.
The name of Rosie O’Donnell’s new book is, “Take the Pound Cake.”
In it, Rosie O’Donnell says Barbara Walters is tired. You know, Rosie, at this point, we’re all getting a little tired . . .
Earlier today she was at Barnes & Noble for a book signing and arm wrestling.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Billy Bob Thornton Would Like To Say To America
10. "I was drunk when I agreed to do this list"
8. "I hope all that money doesn't change Leona Helmsley's dog"
7. "It's not easy being the most famous guy on the planet named Billy Bob"
6. "I based my character in 'Sling Blade' on Letterman"
4. "Even I find myself a little strange"
2. "I traded my Academy Award for a chimpanzee named Marty"
1. "People ask if there are any projects I've done that I regret. You're looking at it"
Conan O'Brien
Bill Clinton is promoting his new book. In an interview, Former President Bill Clinton says although most people don’t know it, Hillary has the best laugh. Bill added, “I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.”
Earlier tonight, President Bush gave his eighth speech about Iraq. He promised to have the troops home by speech No. 73.
Starbucks is considering adding a line of drinks that appeals to children. All Starbucks has to do now is figure out how to get kids to pay 12 bucks for a juice box.
Yesterday was Conception Day in Russia, where Russians were encouraged to have sex in order to increase their population. In the spirit of international cooperation, America sent Charlie Sheen.
Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for the rock star Sting. He was photographed leaving a brothel in Germany. He’s on tour. He may have to change the name of his song: “Every Little Thing She Does Costs Money.”
“Message in a Brothel.”
The city of Los Angeles has named a whole city block after Larry King. Larry is very proud: “My block is right behind the gas company.” So, to get there you've got to pass gas.
You know you’ve made it when you get part of the city named after you: John Wayne Airport, Johnny Carson Park, Ryan Seacrest Closet . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It looks like rapper Kanye West won that contest with 50 Cent. Both their albums came out on Tuesday. Kanye sold more albums, but 50 Cent sold more drugs.
All President Bush talks about is Gen. Petraeus. Aides say the president went though 20 drafts of his speech for last night. They say he still doesn’t know what it means: Something about Iraq, a lot about Petraeus . . .
More bad news for Britney. Her new song debuted at No. 85. Things don’t look great. But there was one ray of sunshine: Help is on the way in the form of the cast of "American Idol.” They said, “Collectively, we are going to mange Britney Spears. We are going to extend an offer.” Maybe before helping Britney Spears get on track, they should concentrate on getting Paula Abdul straightened out.
