Saturday, September 29, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
In Chicago, a couple who are huge Cubs fans named their new baby Wrigley Field. And here in Los Angeles, a couple who are huge Dodgers fans they just named their new baby Missed The Playoffs Again.
The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world when he said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on the flight to go back home, the male flight attendant didn’t speak to him the whole way.
In an upcoming interview, in the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true; she says she has never had sex with a woman no matter how many times Bill Clinton has begged her to.
A study out of Temple University says that prenatal smoking does not hurt kids’ test scores. Isn’t that amazing? I had no idea that kids were smoking in the womb.
David Letterman
Here in New York City, you can tell it’s autumn — you can see the colors change from brown to gold to yellow to rust — and that’s just the tap water.
Here at CBS you can tell it’s autumn — they were raking Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
It’s premiere week. All the new fall television shows are on the air. On one of the shows, the "Ghost Whisperer," the ghost whisperer runs errands for dead people. And tonight, she helped pitch a game show for Merv Griffin.
CBS has some tremendous programs — don’t miss CSI O.J.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying A $14,500 Dessert
10. "Does my kid really need a college education?"
9. "Do I get to keep the plate?"
8. "May I leave off the second 'S' in 'dessert' for savings?"
7. "Is this why the terrorists hate us?"
6. "What would Leona Helmsley's dog do?"
5. "Should I save $14,499 and get a kit kat bar?"
4. "Why?"
3. "How am I going to explain this to Fred Nigro?"
1. "Do I really want to be fat and a dumbass?"
Conan O'Brien
Iran’s president still making news. He has invited President Bush to speak at an Iranian university. After hearing this, President Bush said, “Maybe I’ll come when you guys play Notre Dame."
When he was a child, he changed his name; which means Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not even his real name. Turns out he was born Stephanie Delgado.
Here’s an interesting story: It turns out that when the U.S. invaded Iraq, Saddam Hussein said that he would quit the presidency and leave the country if he were given $1 billion. When he heard this, President Bush said, “Hell, I’ll do it for 10 grand.”
The Israeli police announced that they will no longer arrest first-time drug users. When he heard this, Snoop Dogg said, “Shalom.”
Craig Ferguson
Microsoft announced they may buy CISCO for $10 billion. How much money is $10 billion? Well, if you take what I earn, and add about $10 billion . . .
You know what else? The Sex Pistols have announced they’re reuniting for the 30th anniversary of their album. It’s their 30th anniversary. They’re album was called, “Never Mind the Bollocks.” Mind my bollocks, because I’m tripping over them right now.
CBS premiers its new shows tonight. On the "Ghost Whisperer," Jennifer Love-Hewitt plays a sexy ghost who solves crimes with her enormous, uh, friends. Between Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Drew Carey, CBS has got the biggest boobs on television.
A lot of the new shows have the supernatural element about them. That show the “Reaper,” is all about people who sell their souls to the devil. I liked it better when it was called “The Apprentice.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
James Blunt is our guest tonight. I ran into him backstage and he said that I was a fat pig . . . he really is very blunt.
The annual Forbes “TV 20” list is out. This is the list of the highest-paid TV personalities. And believe it or not, No. 1 is Oprah Winfrey . . . whoever that is.
Big day in the world of celebrity smells. Both Paris Hilton’s and Britney Spears’ new fragrances came out. Paris’ is called “Can-Can,” which is where she just went-went, and Britney’s is called “Believe.”
Jay Leno
In Chicago, a couple who are huge Cubs fans named their new baby Wrigley Field. And here in Los Angeles, a couple who are huge Dodgers fans they just named their new baby Missed The Playoffs Again.
The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world when he said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on the flight to go back home, the male flight attendant didn’t speak to him the whole way.
In an upcoming interview, in the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true; she says she has never had sex with a woman no matter how many times Bill Clinton has begged her to.
A study out of Temple University says that prenatal smoking does not hurt kids’ test scores. Isn’t that amazing? I had no idea that kids were smoking in the womb.
David Letterman
Here in New York City, you can tell it’s autumn — you can see the colors change from brown to gold to yellow to rust — and that’s just the tap water.
Here at CBS you can tell it’s autumn — they were raking Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
It’s premiere week. All the new fall television shows are on the air. On one of the shows, the "Ghost Whisperer," the ghost whisperer runs errands for dead people. And tonight, she helped pitch a game show for Merv Griffin.
CBS has some tremendous programs — don’t miss CSI O.J.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying A $14,500 Dessert
10. "Does my kid really need a college education?"
9. "Do I get to keep the plate?"
8. "May I leave off the second 'S' in 'dessert' for savings?"
7. "Is this why the terrorists hate us?"
6. "What would Leona Helmsley's dog do?"
5. "Should I save $14,499 and get a kit kat bar?"
4. "Why?"
3. "How am I going to explain this to Fred Nigro?"
1. "Do I really want to be fat and a dumbass?"
Conan O'Brien
Iran’s president still making news. He has invited President Bush to speak at an Iranian university. After hearing this, President Bush said, “Maybe I’ll come when you guys play Notre Dame."
When he was a child, he changed his name; which means Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not even his real name. Turns out he was born Stephanie Delgado.
Here’s an interesting story: It turns out that when the U.S. invaded Iraq, Saddam Hussein said that he would quit the presidency and leave the country if he were given $1 billion. When he heard this, President Bush said, “Hell, I’ll do it for 10 grand.”
The Israeli police announced that they will no longer arrest first-time drug users. When he heard this, Snoop Dogg said, “Shalom.”
Craig Ferguson
Microsoft announced they may buy CISCO for $10 billion. How much money is $10 billion? Well, if you take what I earn, and add about $10 billion . . .
You know what else? The Sex Pistols have announced they’re reuniting for the 30th anniversary of their album. It’s their 30th anniversary. They’re album was called, “Never Mind the Bollocks.” Mind my bollocks, because I’m tripping over them right now.
CBS premiers its new shows tonight. On the "Ghost Whisperer," Jennifer Love-Hewitt plays a sexy ghost who solves crimes with her enormous, uh, friends. Between Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Drew Carey, CBS has got the biggest boobs on television.
A lot of the new shows have the supernatural element about them. That show the “Reaper,” is all about people who sell their souls to the devil. I liked it better when it was called “The Apprentice.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
James Blunt is our guest tonight. I ran into him backstage and he said that I was a fat pig . . . he really is very blunt.
The annual Forbes “TV 20” list is out. This is the list of the highest-paid TV personalities. And believe it or not, No. 1 is Oprah Winfrey . . . whoever that is.
Big day in the world of celebrity smells. Both Paris Hilton’s and Britney Spears’ new fragrances came out. Paris’ is called “Can-Can,” which is where she just went-went, and Britney’s is called “Believe.”
