Saturday, September 15, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced that he believes the United States is making progress in Iraq thanks to the troop surge . . . After he made the announcement the guy in the next stall said, "You want to keep it down, buddy?"
Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear gas in New Jersey? Air freshener.
A dress that Carol Channing was going to donate to the Smithsonian has been stolen from a hotel in Hollywood. So I guess we now know what Ryan Seacrest will be wearing when he hosts the Emmys this Sunday.
Officials in Ventura County, California, have sued miss Ventura County California 2005 . . . a woman named Hillary Gushwa. She has to return her crown after they found out she was married when she won. But she says it doesn't count because she was too drunk at the time to remember her own wedding. So Britney, you are not alone.
David Letterman
Can you tell that it’s autumn? I’m telling you — down at Times Square this morning, there was frost on the hookers.
Later in Central Park, I saw a nut gathering squirrels.
The state of Texas found what they believe to be the last know letter to be written by Davy Crockett. They believe it was a love note to Joan Rivers.
According to a new study, polar bears will probably be extinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Emmy
10. You've been described as Hasselhoff-esque
9. It's a reality show about people looking for a good deal on patio furniture
7. Once a week you get your ass kicked on one of them Mexican talk shows
6. Only laugh you've heard all year was when the judges received your ballot
5. Hoping to get nominated for writing Osama's latest hate-fueled rant
4. Show is just YouTube video of you getting hit in nuts
3. Your show is even more confusing than "Lost"
Conan O'Brien
President Bush addressed the nation about Iraq last night. The aired on all three networks and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots.
The New England Patriots were penalized because they were caught cheating during last week’s game. Coach Belichick had to give up a first round draft pick, and quarterback Tom Brady had to give up one of his supermodels.
In a speech yesterday, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. I think they’re taking his advice, because today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth.
It’s been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize for her performance at the Emmys.
Craig Ferguson
The organizers of the 2012 London Olympics announced this week that they’re installing extra wide seats in their stadiums to accommodate really big British asses. It’s true! Apparently they’ve got really big asses in Britain. We have a picture of one. [Pictured: Simon Cowell.]
Lamborghini announced they’ve sold out of their new car, the Revington. This is a car that costs $1.4 million. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just tell everyone you’ve got a really small wiener?
The world air guitar championships were held in Finland. The winner celebrated by going back to his hotel and having sex with imaginary groupies.
I’d like to say that I’ve never done that myself. I’d like to say that . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
O.J. is the suspect of an unusual robbery. Police are investigating whether O.J. and five other men he met at a wedding earlier that night broke into a room and stole a bunch of O.J.-related memorabilia. O.J. says it wasn’t a crime because the memorabilia was stolen from him in the first place. He says he was conducting a sting operation. I love that O.J. met five other guys at a wedding and convinced them to become part of his “sting” operation.
O.J. says the whole thing was just a misunderstanding, but just to be on the safe side, he threw a couple of fake beards and sack full of 20s in his trunk.
O.J.’s new book is doing so well on Amazon.com right now, he is planning to release a book from this situation. It’s called “How I would’ve Stolen the Sports Memorabilia From a Sports Hotel Room in Vegas — Which I didn’t Do — but if I Did.”
It’s actually a pop-up book [Pictured: pop-up book with pop-up knife inside.]
Jay Leno
Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced that he believes the United States is making progress in Iraq thanks to the troop surge . . . After he made the announcement the guy in the next stall said, "You want to keep it down, buddy?"
Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear gas in New Jersey? Air freshener.
A dress that Carol Channing was going to donate to the Smithsonian has been stolen from a hotel in Hollywood. So I guess we now know what Ryan Seacrest will be wearing when he hosts the Emmys this Sunday.
Officials in Ventura County, California, have sued miss Ventura County California 2005 . . . a woman named Hillary Gushwa. She has to return her crown after they found out she was married when she won. But she says it doesn't count because she was too drunk at the time to remember her own wedding. So Britney, you are not alone.
David Letterman
Can you tell that it’s autumn? I’m telling you — down at Times Square this morning, there was frost on the hookers.
Later in Central Park, I saw a nut gathering squirrels.
The state of Texas found what they believe to be the last know letter to be written by Davy Crockett. They believe it was a love note to Joan Rivers.
According to a new study, polar bears will probably be extinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Emmy
10. You've been described as Hasselhoff-esque
9. It's a reality show about people looking for a good deal on patio furniture
7. Once a week you get your ass kicked on one of them Mexican talk shows
6. Only laugh you've heard all year was when the judges received your ballot
5. Hoping to get nominated for writing Osama's latest hate-fueled rant
4. Show is just YouTube video of you getting hit in nuts
3. Your show is even more confusing than "Lost"
Conan O'Brien
President Bush addressed the nation about Iraq last night. The aired on all three networks and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots.
The New England Patriots were penalized because they were caught cheating during last week’s game. Coach Belichick had to give up a first round draft pick, and quarterback Tom Brady had to give up one of his supermodels.
In a speech yesterday, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. I think they’re taking his advice, because today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth.
It’s been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize for her performance at the Emmys.
Craig Ferguson
The organizers of the 2012 London Olympics announced this week that they’re installing extra wide seats in their stadiums to accommodate really big British asses. It’s true! Apparently they’ve got really big asses in Britain. We have a picture of one. [Pictured: Simon Cowell.]
Lamborghini announced they’ve sold out of their new car, the Revington. This is a car that costs $1.4 million. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just tell everyone you’ve got a really small wiener?
The world air guitar championships were held in Finland. The winner celebrated by going back to his hotel and having sex with imaginary groupies.
I’d like to say that I’ve never done that myself. I’d like to say that . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
O.J. is the suspect of an unusual robbery. Police are investigating whether O.J. and five other men he met at a wedding earlier that night broke into a room and stole a bunch of O.J.-related memorabilia. O.J. says it wasn’t a crime because the memorabilia was stolen from him in the first place. He says he was conducting a sting operation. I love that O.J. met five other guys at a wedding and convinced them to become part of his “sting” operation.
O.J. says the whole thing was just a misunderstanding, but just to be on the safe side, he threw a couple of fake beards and sack full of 20s in his trunk.
O.J.’s new book is doing so well on Amazon.com right now, he is planning to release a book from this situation. It’s called “How I would’ve Stolen the Sports Memorabilia From a Sports Hotel Room in Vegas — Which I didn’t Do — but if I Did.”
It’s actually a pop-up book [Pictured: pop-up book with pop-up knife inside.]
