Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
A hit has allegedly been taken out on Kevin Federline. The plot was pretty scary: They were going to lure him to Las Vegas, then tell O.J. Kevin had some of his memorabilia.
O.J.’s biggest objection in his robbery case, is that he is being held without bail. He says that if he were anyone else but O.J., he would have been released. If he were anyone else but O.J., he’d be serving life for double murder right now.
O.J. was in Las Vegas for a wedding. He was the best man. How bad are your friends when O.J. is the best man?
In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way Gen. Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Cheney said it’s horrible the way people mock and treat a soldier. I’ll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him.
Conan O'Brien
One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won’t press charges. In exchange O.J. has promised not to double murder the man.
Yesterday Sen. John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a Taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said, “Being Tasered in the chest was still better that sitting through an entire Kerry speech.”
More trouble for Britney Spears. Britney Spears’ management company has announced that she will no longer be a client because they are dropping her. When Britney’s kids heard this they told her, “Now you know how it feels.”
This week doctors began doing an autopsy on a man they thought was dead. As the procedure began, he came back to life. You can hear all about it tomorrow night when the man goes back to hosting “Larry King Live.”
Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for the American justice system. The jury is back in the Phil Spector trial. I’m not kidding — it’s a hung jury. We have a picture of the five people on the jury who think he’s not guilty. There’s Darth Vader, Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and Satan.
O.J. still in trouble. It turns out there’s an audio tape of the robbery. So there’s multiple witnesses and an audio tape. Now in California, that’s enough to get you acquitted.
There’s a real story today. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control says that people in the restroom wash their hands less than they used to. And I’m thinking, “How did they get this information?” What did they do? Discreetly watch as people wash their hands? “Please carry on. I’m with Disease Control.” Discreetly watched in the bathroom? You gotta be careful — there have been senators arrested for less than that.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Emmy Awards were handed out Sunday night here L.A. For me, it was an honor just to not be nominated.
Al Gore won an Emmy. He’s won so much: He’s won an Oscar this year, for his role as Chewbacca in the "Star Wars" movie . . .
Former Mexican President Vincente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says President Bush is the cockiest guy he’s ever met. Apparently, the first time the met, Bush kept insisting on meeting the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
Fox also said Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, he speaks grade school English as well, so . . .
Jay Leno
A hit has allegedly been taken out on Kevin Federline. The plot was pretty scary: They were going to lure him to Las Vegas, then tell O.J. Kevin had some of his memorabilia.
O.J.’s biggest objection in his robbery case, is that he is being held without bail. He says that if he were anyone else but O.J., he would have been released. If he were anyone else but O.J., he’d be serving life for double murder right now.
O.J. was in Las Vegas for a wedding. He was the best man. How bad are your friends when O.J. is the best man?
In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way Gen. Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Cheney said it’s horrible the way people mock and treat a soldier. I’ll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him.
Conan O'Brien
One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won’t press charges. In exchange O.J. has promised not to double murder the man.
Yesterday Sen. John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a Taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said, “Being Tasered in the chest was still better that sitting through an entire Kerry speech.”
More trouble for Britney Spears. Britney Spears’ management company has announced that she will no longer be a client because they are dropping her. When Britney’s kids heard this they told her, “Now you know how it feels.”
This week doctors began doing an autopsy on a man they thought was dead. As the procedure began, he came back to life. You can hear all about it tomorrow night when the man goes back to hosting “Larry King Live.”
Craig Ferguson
Not a great day for the American justice system. The jury is back in the Phil Spector trial. I’m not kidding — it’s a hung jury. We have a picture of the five people on the jury who think he’s not guilty. There’s Darth Vader, Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and Satan.
O.J. still in trouble. It turns out there’s an audio tape of the robbery. So there’s multiple witnesses and an audio tape. Now in California, that’s enough to get you acquitted.
There’s a real story today. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control says that people in the restroom wash their hands less than they used to. And I’m thinking, “How did they get this information?” What did they do? Discreetly watch as people wash their hands? “Please carry on. I’m with Disease Control.” Discreetly watched in the bathroom? You gotta be careful — there have been senators arrested for less than that.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Emmy Awards were handed out Sunday night here L.A. For me, it was an honor just to not be nominated.
Al Gore won an Emmy. He’s won so much: He’s won an Oscar this year, for his role as Chewbacca in the "Star Wars" movie . . .
Former Mexican President Vincente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says President Bush is the cockiest guy he’s ever met. Apparently, the first time the met, Bush kept insisting on meeting the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
Fox also said Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, he speaks grade school English as well, so . . .
