Saturday, September 22, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail . . . This week Hillary Clinton referred to Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. And today he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney — Darth Vader. He was very offended.
The president of Iran, Mahmoud I’m-a-nutjob, is coming to address the United Nations. Why isn’t his name on the “no-fly” list?
He wanted to go to ground zero. They told him no. He was very angry about it. In fact, today, he threatened to call a cab driver strike.
Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic chemical landmark. It’s only the second time in history something’s been designated a chemical landmark. The first was the state of New Jersey.
Conan O'Brien
O. J. news: O.J.’s girlfriend defended O.J. She said, “I’ve known him for 12 years and he would not rob or kidnap anyone. I’m sorry, that’s just not the double murderer I fell in love with.”
The White House has announced that during his last year in office, President Bush is going to visit more countries than any other year in his presidency. Bush said he will accomplish this all in one weekend by going to Epcot Center.
Democratic presidential candidates held another debate sponsored by the senior citizens group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812.
Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair for breaking into a building. They say the man would have gotten away, but they shot out his tires.
Craig Ferguson
It’s been a mad week. O.J. Simpson went to jail; he’s out on bail. Ooo that rhymes; they’ll probably use that. “He went to jail; he’s out on bail. If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
He’s being prosecuted for what he did in that Las Vegas hotel room. But c’mon — who amongst us couldn’t be prosecuted for what we did in a Las Vegas hotel room?
In the other trial, the Phil Spector trial, the jury is deadlocked. It goes to show that Justice is not only blind, she’s smoking crack.
In other news, on Tuesday, the world’s oldest man turned 112. [Shows picture of Larry King.]
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L.A. we don’t actually have leaves, but we watch Ashley Simpson’s hair change color.
The only reason we even use leaf blowers here is to roll a passed-out Britney Spears off our lawns.
Just a couple of hours ago, Britney Spears was charged with an accident she was involved in a month ago. A car accident — not her performance at the VMAs.
She was charged with hit and run and one count of driving without a valid license. If convicted, she could do six months for each charge. See, this is why she should leave the driving to the baby . . .
Jay Leno
Getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail . . . This week Hillary Clinton referred to Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. And today he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney — Darth Vader. He was very offended.
The president of Iran, Mahmoud I’m-a-nutjob, is coming to address the United Nations. Why isn’t his name on the “no-fly” list?
He wanted to go to ground zero. They told him no. He was very angry about it. In fact, today, he threatened to call a cab driver strike.
Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic chemical landmark. It’s only the second time in history something’s been designated a chemical landmark. The first was the state of New Jersey.
Conan O'Brien
O. J. news: O.J.’s girlfriend defended O.J. She said, “I’ve known him for 12 years and he would not rob or kidnap anyone. I’m sorry, that’s just not the double murderer I fell in love with.”
The White House has announced that during his last year in office, President Bush is going to visit more countries than any other year in his presidency. Bush said he will accomplish this all in one weekend by going to Epcot Center.
Democratic presidential candidates held another debate sponsored by the senior citizens group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812.
Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair for breaking into a building. They say the man would have gotten away, but they shot out his tires.
Craig Ferguson
It’s been a mad week. O.J. Simpson went to jail; he’s out on bail. Ooo that rhymes; they’ll probably use that. “He went to jail; he’s out on bail. If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
He’s being prosecuted for what he did in that Las Vegas hotel room. But c’mon — who amongst us couldn’t be prosecuted for what we did in a Las Vegas hotel room?
In the other trial, the Phil Spector trial, the jury is deadlocked. It goes to show that Justice is not only blind, she’s smoking crack.
In other news, on Tuesday, the world’s oldest man turned 112. [Shows picture of Larry King.]
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L.A. we don’t actually have leaves, but we watch Ashley Simpson’s hair change color.
The only reason we even use leaf blowers here is to roll a passed-out Britney Spears off our lawns.
Just a couple of hours ago, Britney Spears was charged with an accident she was involved in a month ago. A car accident — not her performance at the VMAs.
She was charged with hit and run and one count of driving without a valid license. If convicted, she could do six months for each charge. See, this is why she should leave the driving to the baby . . .
