Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government’s authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So our phone calls are being watched, our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC. Why can’t we get some of that action?
A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world. Angry men tend to beat their rivals for power. Finally some good news for John McCain.
Actor Sean Penn is currently touring Venezuela with President Hugo Chavez. Penn said between listening to Chavez attack President Bush and calling us the Great Satan, he said it was like being back in Malibu.
In a recent interview with People magazine, Kathy Hilton said that her daughter Paris Hilton may have gotten a rash from the sheets in her cell. Today the sheets issued a statement saying, no, they got the rash from Paris Hilton.
Conan
Britney Spears in trouble again. Yesterday Britney Spears was involved in a fender bender. Fortunately, her kids weren’t in the car at the time. Unfortunately, they were strapped to the roof.
Earlier this week at a campaigning event in Utah, hundreds of people showed up to hear a speech by Barack Obama. After Obama’s speech, the Utah crowd said, "That was great; now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town.”
The '80s rock band Van Halen announced that they are reuniting for their first tour with David Lee Roth in 20 years. The band says they would have reunited with David sooner, but up until now, they weren’t desperate enough.
The Hooters restaurant chain has announced that they may open up a Hooters in the Muslim city of Dubai. Right next to Thank God It’s Fatwah.
Ferguson
David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called "Intimately Beckham.” Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot.
And that’s just hers.
Remember the rumors that Keith Richards snorted his father’s ashes with cocaine? Now, Keith is saying the rumors are true. Well, partially true. He said he did snort his father’s ashes — but he didn’t mix them with cocaine. Because I suppose that would be disrespectful. "Beer and liquor, never sicker. Coke and Dad, that’s just bad.”
Kimmel
Another debate between Democratic candidates. They’re having three of these a week now. This time they did it in Soldier Field in Chicago. It was sponsored by the AFLCIO. The candidates did their best to wave their union flags, and they all talked about picketing with unions, being in unions . . . with the notable exception of Joseph Biden. [Footage of Biden wearing a pin with the words "Unions Are Gay” dubbed in.]
A new reality show debuted on VH1 last night. They’ve really cornered the market on putting people no one in their right mind would want to see on television, on television. This one is called "The Pick-Up Artist.” The idea is they take eight lovable losers and they team them with this master of romance: "The world’s most successful pick-up artist. A man who goes by only one name. Mystery.” They call him Mystery because it’s a mystery he’s ever had sex at all.
Earlier this year, there was a strange story about Keith Richards. He claims he once snored a mixture of cocaine and his dead father’s ashes. That was the story, but he denied it. Now, though, he’s saying he did snort his dad; he did not mix him with some cocaine. He only snorted his dad. Stars. They’re just like us.
Leno
President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government’s authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So our phone calls are being watched, our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC. Why can’t we get some of that action?
A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world. Angry men tend to beat their rivals for power. Finally some good news for John McCain.
Actor Sean Penn is currently touring Venezuela with President Hugo Chavez. Penn said between listening to Chavez attack President Bush and calling us the Great Satan, he said it was like being back in Malibu.
In a recent interview with People magazine, Kathy Hilton said that her daughter Paris Hilton may have gotten a rash from the sheets in her cell. Today the sheets issued a statement saying, no, they got the rash from Paris Hilton.
Conan
Britney Spears in trouble again. Yesterday Britney Spears was involved in a fender bender. Fortunately, her kids weren’t in the car at the time. Unfortunately, they were strapped to the roof.
Earlier this week at a campaigning event in Utah, hundreds of people showed up to hear a speech by Barack Obama. After Obama’s speech, the Utah crowd said, "That was great; now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town.”
The '80s rock band Van Halen announced that they are reuniting for their first tour with David Lee Roth in 20 years. The band says they would have reunited with David sooner, but up until now, they weren’t desperate enough.
The Hooters restaurant chain has announced that they may open up a Hooters in the Muslim city of Dubai. Right next to Thank God It’s Fatwah.
Ferguson
David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called "Intimately Beckham.” Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot.
And that’s just hers.
Remember the rumors that Keith Richards snorted his father’s ashes with cocaine? Now, Keith is saying the rumors are true. Well, partially true. He said he did snort his father’s ashes — but he didn’t mix them with cocaine. Because I suppose that would be disrespectful. "Beer and liquor, never sicker. Coke and Dad, that’s just bad.”
Kimmel
Another debate between Democratic candidates. They’re having three of these a week now. This time they did it in Soldier Field in Chicago. It was sponsored by the AFLCIO. The candidates did their best to wave their union flags, and they all talked about picketing with unions, being in unions . . . with the notable exception of Joseph Biden. [Footage of Biden wearing a pin with the words "Unions Are Gay” dubbed in.]
A new reality show debuted on VH1 last night. They’ve really cornered the market on putting people no one in their right mind would want to see on television, on television. This one is called "The Pick-Up Artist.” The idea is they take eight lovable losers and they team them with this master of romance: "The world’s most successful pick-up artist. A man who goes by only one name. Mystery.” They call him Mystery because it’s a mystery he’s ever had sex at all.
Earlier this year, there was a strange story about Keith Richards. He claims he once snored a mixture of cocaine and his dead father’s ashes. That was the story, but he denied it. Now, though, he’s saying he did snort his dad; he did not mix him with some cocaine. He only snorted his dad. Stars. They’re just like us.
