Thursday, August 9, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Did you see that horrible rain storm in New York City? The flooding was so bad Hillary Clinton had to switch from a pantsuit to a wetsuit.
Another presidential debate last night. It did not do well in the ratings. In fact, you know the two Americans John Edwards is always talking about? Neither one of them was watching last night.
Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney say they will not participate in the Republican debate next month in Florida. John McCain said he will be there . . . if he can get a ride.
Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband’s fundraising campaign is she can’t make him black, and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem with Michael Jackson’s people.
Conan
Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron’s homerun record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, "I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.”
Latest from the presidential campaign: Hillary Clinton says she’s going to reach out to healthcare employees by working a shift as a nurse at a hospital. When he heard this, Bill Clinton was upset and said, "Great. This will ruin the plot of my favorite porn movie.”
A couple in Arkansas had their 17th child. Afterwards, the other 16 kids threw their dad a "We get it — you’re not gay” party.
Ferguson
It’s a great day for Barry Bonds. He finally broke the homerun record. He celebrated last night with an expensive bottle of champagne which he injected into his ass.
Not such a great day for Donald Trump. His casinos are losing money. How does a casino lose money?
It goes against the laws of physics. Then again, so does that thing on his head.
There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey onto a plane. I can’t get four ounces of shaving creme onto a plane! How’s he get monkey on there?
Kimmel
It was another beautiful day here; I almost feel guilty since the weather on the East Coast is so miserable. But really, when you’re laying by the pool, who cares?
Floods in New Jersey . . . they think there may have been a tornado in New York . . . it’s like Christmas for Al Gore.
It was a very big night for the very big-headed Barry Bonds.
He has the all-time record for career homeruns. There was big skirmish in the bleachers for the ball. Collectors say it’s worth somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000, which is actually a lot less than some other baseballs. Some baseballs have actually fetched millions of dollars so I guess taking steroids really does shrink the value of your balls.
Leno
Did you see that horrible rain storm in New York City? The flooding was so bad Hillary Clinton had to switch from a pantsuit to a wetsuit.
Another presidential debate last night. It did not do well in the ratings. In fact, you know the two Americans John Edwards is always talking about? Neither one of them was watching last night.
Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney say they will not participate in the Republican debate next month in Florida. John McCain said he will be there . . . if he can get a ride.
Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband’s fundraising campaign is she can’t make him black, and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem with Michael Jackson’s people.
Conan
Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron’s homerun record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, "I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.”
Latest from the presidential campaign: Hillary Clinton says she’s going to reach out to healthcare employees by working a shift as a nurse at a hospital. When he heard this, Bill Clinton was upset and said, "Great. This will ruin the plot of my favorite porn movie.”
A couple in Arkansas had their 17th child. Afterwards, the other 16 kids threw their dad a "We get it — you’re not gay” party.
Ferguson
It’s a great day for Barry Bonds. He finally broke the homerun record. He celebrated last night with an expensive bottle of champagne which he injected into his ass.
Not such a great day for Donald Trump. His casinos are losing money. How does a casino lose money?
It goes against the laws of physics. Then again, so does that thing on his head.
There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey onto a plane. I can’t get four ounces of shaving creme onto a plane! How’s he get monkey on there?
Kimmel
It was another beautiful day here; I almost feel guilty since the weather on the East Coast is so miserable. But really, when you’re laying by the pool, who cares?
Floods in New Jersey . . . they think there may have been a tornado in New York . . . it’s like Christmas for Al Gore.
It was a very big night for the very big-headed Barry Bonds.
He has the all-time record for career homeruns. There was big skirmish in the bleachers for the ball. Collectors say it’s worth somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000, which is actually a lot less than some other baseballs. Some baseballs have actually fetched millions of dollars so I guess taking steroids really does shrink the value of your balls.
