Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie "The Bourne Ultimatum” — the biggest movie opening ever in the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Sen. John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate.
If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a guy who works for the government but can’t remember his past. The original title was "The Alberto Gonzales Story.”
Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of lead because it may contain toys.
According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.
Conan
Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.
This week, the U.S. Army started using armed robots to patrol the streets of Iraq. Everybody thinks it’s a good idea except the armed robots.
The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, "Big News at New York Tim.”
In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says 20 tour buses a day come by her house. Paris says the other guys come by foot, horse back, or via aircraft carrier.
Ferguson
Great day for America, especially if you like Hooters. Hooters has announced they’re building a restaurant in the Middle East. There’ll be a few different menu items: get your ja-hot wings . . . infa-deli sandwich . . . Taliban-anna cream pie . . .
Scary news today. Jellyfish are going nuts in Florida. Four hundred people over the weekend were stung by jellyfish. Did you know that jellyfish have no brains? None. They’re like the Baldwins of the sea.
Apparently lifeguards are clearing out supermarkets of their vinegar. It soothes the jellyfish burns. You know what works even better? Urine. Human urine! If you see someone who’s been stung by a jellyfish pee on them. You’re doinng them a favor!
Even if I suspect someone might have been stung by a jellyfish, I run out onto the beach and pee on them. If I even think someone has been stung by a jellyfish I pee on them before they leave the office, just in case!
Leno
Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie "The Bourne Ultimatum” — the biggest movie opening ever in the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Sen. John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate.
If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a guy who works for the government but can’t remember his past. The original title was "The Alberto Gonzales Story.”
Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of lead because it may contain toys.
According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.
Conan
Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.
This week, the U.S. Army started using armed robots to patrol the streets of Iraq. Everybody thinks it’s a good idea except the armed robots.
The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, "Big News at New York Tim.”
In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says 20 tour buses a day come by her house. Paris says the other guys come by foot, horse back, or via aircraft carrier.
Ferguson
Great day for America, especially if you like Hooters. Hooters has announced they’re building a restaurant in the Middle East. There’ll be a few different menu items: get your ja-hot wings . . . infa-deli sandwich . . . Taliban-anna cream pie . . .
Scary news today. Jellyfish are going nuts in Florida. Four hundred people over the weekend were stung by jellyfish. Did you know that jellyfish have no brains? None. They’re like the Baldwins of the sea.
Apparently lifeguards are clearing out supermarkets of their vinegar. It soothes the jellyfish burns. You know what works even better? Urine. Human urine! If you see someone who’s been stung by a jellyfish pee on them. You’re doinng them a favor!
Even if I suspect someone might have been stung by a jellyfish, I run out onto the beach and pee on them. If I even think someone has been stung by a jellyfish I pee on them before they leave the office, just in case!
