Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Michael Vick has pled guilty and has been suspended without pay by the NFL . . . I don’t know where Vick is going to work now, but you can definitely rule out PetSmart.
Vick blamed his legal problems on being immature. Immature! You know kids today . . . with their skateboards and the highly organized dog fighting rings they all have.
Pretty busy day in Washington today. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and Karl Rove went to U-Haul together to help each other move.
Gonzales actually accidently fired himself.
David Letterman
A senator from Idaho, Larry Craig, was arrested in a men’s room. This gives new meaning to the word “caucusing.”
Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, “Well, maybe that was your second mistake.”
The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport bathroom is guilty of something.
My idea of getting lucky is when the motion sensor works in the faucet.
Conan O'Brien
According to a new study, Mississippi is the fattest state in the country with 30 percent of its residents listed as obese. Which makes sense because Mississippi's state bird is the Chicken McNugget.
Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who put on a diaper and then drove cross-country to kidnap another astronaut's girlfriend, has announced that she's going to plead insanity. When they heard about Nowak's insanity defense, the jury said: “Please — you had us at ‘diaper.’"
Nicole Richie went to jail for her DUI conviction this weekend, but she only had to spend 82 minutes in prison. This is due to California's new “minute-per-pound” rule.
Producers in Hollywood are working on a remake of the classic “Wizard of Oz,” and they say it will be much darker than the original. Apparently, in the remake, Toto isn't chased by the Wicked Witch of the West, he's chased by Michael Vick.
Jimmy Kimmel
The summer just flew by like a Nicole Richie jail sentence.
My son started high school yesterday. I was thinking about my high school experience . . . how boring it was, the bad food they had in the cafeteria, the beatings . . .
The forced showering . . . it wasn’t much different than prison.
Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again.
Jay Leno
Michael Vick has pled guilty and has been suspended without pay by the NFL . . . I don’t know where Vick is going to work now, but you can definitely rule out PetSmart.
Vick blamed his legal problems on being immature. Immature! You know kids today . . . with their skateboards and the highly organized dog fighting rings they all have.
Pretty busy day in Washington today. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and Karl Rove went to U-Haul together to help each other move.
Gonzales actually accidently fired himself.
David Letterman
A senator from Idaho, Larry Craig, was arrested in a men’s room. This gives new meaning to the word “caucusing.”
Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, “Well, maybe that was your second mistake.”
The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport bathroom is guilty of something.
My idea of getting lucky is when the motion sensor works in the faucet.
Conan O'Brien
According to a new study, Mississippi is the fattest state in the country with 30 percent of its residents listed as obese. Which makes sense because Mississippi's state bird is the Chicken McNugget.
Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who put on a diaper and then drove cross-country to kidnap another astronaut's girlfriend, has announced that she's going to plead insanity. When they heard about Nowak's insanity defense, the jury said: “Please — you had us at ‘diaper.’"
Nicole Richie went to jail for her DUI conviction this weekend, but she only had to spend 82 minutes in prison. This is due to California's new “minute-per-pound” rule.
Producers in Hollywood are working on a remake of the classic “Wizard of Oz,” and they say it will be much darker than the original. Apparently, in the remake, Toto isn't chased by the Wicked Witch of the West, he's chased by Michael Vick.
Jimmy Kimmel
The summer just flew by like a Nicole Richie jail sentence.
My son started high school yesterday. I was thinking about my high school experience . . . how boring it was, the bad food they had in the cafeteria, the beatings . . .
The forced showering . . . it wasn’t much different than prison.
Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again.
