Thursday, July 12, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
It was so hot today, Lou Dobbs proposed building a wall between the earth and the sun.
It was so hot, I saw a dog licking an ice cube, then licking himself.
It was so hot our mayor was having sex with a reporter from an Alaskan TV station.
Because of the war in Iraq, President Bush’s popularity has now plunged to 2 percent B.C. You know what that means, B.C.? Below Carter. It doesn’t get any worse than that.
Letterman
Here’s some good news: Subway crime is down. So apparently, the troop surge is working.
It’s been weeks since I’ve been ridiculed for the contents of my briefcase by subway punks.
Osama bin Laden’s son Omar just got married. Let’s see how he likes being terrorized.
The couple has all the pipe bombs they need, what they could really use is a fondue set.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Conversation Starters
10. "Can you tell I have drug-resistant tuberculosis?"
9. "How do you like my al-Qaida t-shirt?"
8. "Wanna see me drop my pants and fire a rocket?"
7. "I once lived across the street from Maury Povich"
6. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty . . ."
5. "If you were a woman, I bet you'd be pretty"
4. "Are you a cop?"
3. "Hi, I'm Shecky"
2. "Anyone watch 'Letterman' last night?"
1. "Mind if I call you mommy?"
Conan
A new poll claims that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disapproval rating which makes him the least popular vice president in U.S. history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney’s wife and kids.
Next month, the Democratic presidential candidates will host a debate focused entirely on gay issues. Apparently in the gay debate, when one candidate disagrees with another, they’re required to begin the rebuttal with, "Girlfriend, paaleese.”
Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria’s wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar.
Ferguson
Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who’s marrying his long-time girlfriend. I have to say . . . Charlie Sheen has a long-time girlfriend?
What constitutes long time here? "Well, it’s past six . . . "
Of course, the big news is the new Harry Potter movie comes out today. I’ve seen it. Spoiler alert! Harry Potter comes out of the closet.
Leno
It was so hot today, Lou Dobbs proposed building a wall between the earth and the sun.
It was so hot, I saw a dog licking an ice cube, then licking himself.
It was so hot our mayor was having sex with a reporter from an Alaskan TV station.
Because of the war in Iraq, President Bush’s popularity has now plunged to 2 percent B.C. You know what that means, B.C.? Below Carter. It doesn’t get any worse than that.
Letterman
Here’s some good news: Subway crime is down. So apparently, the troop surge is working.
It’s been weeks since I’ve been ridiculed for the contents of my briefcase by subway punks.
Osama bin Laden’s son Omar just got married. Let’s see how he likes being terrorized.
The couple has all the pipe bombs they need, what they could really use is a fondue set.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Conversation Starters
10. "Can you tell I have drug-resistant tuberculosis?"
9. "How do you like my al-Qaida t-shirt?"
8. "Wanna see me drop my pants and fire a rocket?"
7. "I once lived across the street from Maury Povich"
6. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty . . ."
5. "If you were a woman, I bet you'd be pretty"
4. "Are you a cop?"
3. "Hi, I'm Shecky"
2. "Anyone watch 'Letterman' last night?"
1. "Mind if I call you mommy?"
Conan
A new poll claims that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disapproval rating which makes him the least popular vice president in U.S. history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney’s wife and kids.
Next month, the Democratic presidential candidates will host a debate focused entirely on gay issues. Apparently in the gay debate, when one candidate disagrees with another, they’re required to begin the rebuttal with, "Girlfriend, paaleese.”
Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria’s wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar.
Ferguson
Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who’s marrying his long-time girlfriend. I have to say . . . Charlie Sheen has a long-time girlfriend?
What constitutes long time here? "Well, it’s past six . . . "
Of course, the big news is the new Harry Potter movie comes out today. I’ve seen it. Spoiler alert! Harry Potter comes out of the closet.
