Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
It was so hot today, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa had an affair with Ann Colter just to cool off.
Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter.
And a video tape? Would it kill him to put out a DVD?
In Des Moines Iowa, former President Bill Clinton said he is backing his wife because she is the most qualified and not be cause of any spousal obligation. And believe me, if there’s one guy who’s not swayed by spousal obligation, it’s Bill Clinton.
Letterman
So hot here in New York City, instead of sunblock, they’re now recommending A-1 sauce.
So hot here in the city, earlier today, out on Broadway, everyone on the top deck of the tour bus was naked.
So hot that Lindsay Lohan checked herself out of rehab and into a Dairy Queen.
Here’s good news: The Pope will be visiting New York City next spring. He will be addressing the United Nations, then he’ll perform an exorcism at "The View.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now
10. Knitting sweaters for my bulldogs Paris and Lindsay
9. Calling Regis Philbin and hanging up
8. Promoting my new line of jewelry on QVC
7. Horse play
6. Just coolin' with shorties, drinking some forties
5. Laminating clips and ticket stubs for my Carol Channing scrapbook
4. Wasting CBS airtime (oh wait, I am already doing that)
3. Lecturing teens on the dangers of online poker
2. Enjoying a chuckle over Jay's "Headlines"
1. Quietly sleeping, like our audience
Conan
The former mayor of Newark, N.J., has been indicted on corruption charges. If he’s found guilty he’ll have to serve five years in prison, or 10 years in Newark.
In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States cannot successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the speech, it’s available in Havana on eight-track tape.
The National Hockey League announced it’s going to kick off next season with a game in London. It’ll be the first time in League history that the people in the stands will have worse teeth than the guys on the ice.
On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud. They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were kicked off somewhere over Kansas.
Leno
It was so hot today, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa had an affair with Ann Colter just to cool off.
Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter.
And a video tape? Would it kill him to put out a DVD?
In Des Moines Iowa, former President Bill Clinton said he is backing his wife because she is the most qualified and not be cause of any spousal obligation. And believe me, if there’s one guy who’s not swayed by spousal obligation, it’s Bill Clinton.
Letterman
So hot here in New York City, instead of sunblock, they’re now recommending A-1 sauce.
So hot here in the city, earlier today, out on Broadway, everyone on the top deck of the tour bus was naked.
So hot that Lindsay Lohan checked herself out of rehab and into a Dairy Queen.
Here’s good news: The Pope will be visiting New York City next spring. He will be addressing the United Nations, then he’ll perform an exorcism at "The View.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now
10. Knitting sweaters for my bulldogs Paris and Lindsay
9. Calling Regis Philbin and hanging up
8. Promoting my new line of jewelry on QVC
7. Horse play
6. Just coolin' with shorties, drinking some forties
5. Laminating clips and ticket stubs for my Carol Channing scrapbook
4. Wasting CBS airtime (oh wait, I am already doing that)
3. Lecturing teens on the dangers of online poker
2. Enjoying a chuckle over Jay's "Headlines"
1. Quietly sleeping, like our audience
Conan
The former mayor of Newark, N.J., has been indicted on corruption charges. If he’s found guilty he’ll have to serve five years in prison, or 10 years in Newark.
In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States cannot successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the speech, it’s available in Havana on eight-track tape.
The National Hockey League announced it’s going to kick off next season with a game in London. It’ll be the first time in League history that the people in the stands will have worse teeth than the guys on the ice.
On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud. They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were kicked off somewhere over Kansas.
