Friday, July 20, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
The Iraqi government has met eight, only eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. Eight. You know something? That’s more than our Congress has done. Can anyone name eight things Congress has done?
According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low — 14 percent of people approve of Congress. And that’s just the hookers who work for the D.C. madam.
Next month, right here in Los Angeles, the leading Democratic presidential candidates will hold a gay debate — it will be a televised debate to discuss just gay issues. Well, how much is John Edwards going to spend on his hair for that!
Letterman
Not too far from here, a big underground hot-water pipe exploded. Unbelievable — like a geyser! Nothing really fazes New Yorkers. Here’s what happened: A fat guy, he sees what’s going on, he gets undressed and takes a steam.
Right there in the middle of the street, there’s a 15-by-20-foot crater. Right in the middle of Lexington Avenue. But don’t worry; by tomorrow, it’ll have a Starbucks.
Britney Spears and her mother got into a slap fight. It got so bad, the baby pulled over and stopped the car.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things
10. Popcorn shrimp
9. Shark Week
8. Balm
7. Snake venom antidote
6. Tommy Lasorda
5. Telemundo
4. Cole slaw
3. Season one of "Magnum P.I." on DVD
2. Fudge
1. Jessica Biel
Conan
Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010!
A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.”
MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive.
Kimmel
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.
Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He’s fine now; he’s been released from the Cleveland Children’s hospital.
He’s now back home resting comfortably in a hollow tree.
He must have eaten out of the wrong bird feeder . . . he is a vegan.
Leno
The Iraqi government has met eight, only eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. Eight. You know something? That’s more than our Congress has done. Can anyone name eight things Congress has done?
According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low — 14 percent of people approve of Congress. And that’s just the hookers who work for the D.C. madam.
Next month, right here in Los Angeles, the leading Democratic presidential candidates will hold a gay debate — it will be a televised debate to discuss just gay issues. Well, how much is John Edwards going to spend on his hair for that!
Letterman
Not too far from here, a big underground hot-water pipe exploded. Unbelievable — like a geyser! Nothing really fazes New Yorkers. Here’s what happened: A fat guy, he sees what’s going on, he gets undressed and takes a steam.
Right there in the middle of the street, there’s a 15-by-20-foot crater. Right in the middle of Lexington Avenue. But don’t worry; by tomorrow, it’ll have a Starbucks.
Britney Spears and her mother got into a slap fight. It got so bad, the baby pulled over and stopped the car.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things
10. Popcorn shrimp
9. Shark Week
8. Balm
7. Snake venom antidote
6. Tommy Lasorda
5. Telemundo
4. Cole slaw
3. Season one of "Magnum P.I." on DVD
2. Fudge
1. Jessica Biel
Conan
Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010!
A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.”
MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive.
Kimmel
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.
Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He’s fine now; he’s been released from the Cleveland Children’s hospital.
He’s now back home resting comfortably in a hollow tree.
He must have eaten out of the wrong bird feeder . . . he is a vegan.
