Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Here’s some good political gossip. It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant, barely speaking to each other, and now when they do, it’s really icy. Or as Hillary calls it, marriage.
Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry.
Here in L.A., people boo Barry. You know why? Because we here in L.A., we don’t like any kind of performance enhancement . . . nothing phony in L.A . . . we don’t like it. We won’t stand for anything phony in this town.
It’s official — Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline finalized their divorce today. It’s the end of Camelot. K-Fed is now Fed-ex.
Letterman
Over the weekend, the Iraqi soccer team won the Asian Cup. Bud Selig was in the stands.
Iraq now has a championship team, so we can go home, right?
Happy birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sixty years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde.
How about the astronauts flying drunk? Here’s a sign your astronaut is flying drunk: Before liftoff, he runs a systems check on the blender.
Conan
The new prime minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown met with President Bush over the weekend and he praised Bush’s leadership. Afterwards, even Bush said, "That guy’s hilarious.”
Earlier today, Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July.
Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”
Britney Spears is in trouble. Britney Spears may have violated California law because she took her kids out of the state without written permission from Kevin Federline. Britney explained, "Sorry, I didn’t have time for Kevin to learn how to write.”
Ferguson
Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 60 today. There’s another celebrity birthday today. Hillary Swank is 33 today. Isn’t it weird? Hillary Swank and Arnold Schwarzenegger have the same birthday? They couldn’t be more different. One is a he-man with rippling muscles, bulges everywhere . . . and the other one’s the governor of California.
I had a good weekend. I went to Toronto. They have the "Just for Laughs” festival. Peter Ustinov used to say that Toronto was like New York run by the Swiss. Which I think is unfair. Unfair to Toronto because the Swiss are bastards. With their cheese, and their coockoo clocks, and their Swiss Army knives . . . . no wonder they’re neutral. Who are you going to scare with that little knife?
I went to this great hotel, the Germain Hotel. It was mobbed with people for the festival. So I signed under a name that no one would recognize: Craig Ferguson.
Leno
Here’s some good political gossip. It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant, barely speaking to each other, and now when they do, it’s really icy. Or as Hillary calls it, marriage.
Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry.
Here in L.A., people boo Barry. You know why? Because we here in L.A., we don’t like any kind of performance enhancement . . . nothing phony in L.A . . . we don’t like it. We won’t stand for anything phony in this town.
It’s official — Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline finalized their divorce today. It’s the end of Camelot. K-Fed is now Fed-ex.
Letterman
Over the weekend, the Iraqi soccer team won the Asian Cup. Bud Selig was in the stands.
Iraq now has a championship team, so we can go home, right?
Happy birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sixty years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde.
How about the astronauts flying drunk? Here’s a sign your astronaut is flying drunk: Before liftoff, he runs a systems check on the blender.
Conan
The new prime minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown met with President Bush over the weekend and he praised Bush’s leadership. Afterwards, even Bush said, "That guy’s hilarious.”
Earlier today, Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July.
Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”
Britney Spears is in trouble. Britney Spears may have violated California law because she took her kids out of the state without written permission from Kevin Federline. Britney explained, "Sorry, I didn’t have time for Kevin to learn how to write.”
Ferguson
Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 60 today. There’s another celebrity birthday today. Hillary Swank is 33 today. Isn’t it weird? Hillary Swank and Arnold Schwarzenegger have the same birthday? They couldn’t be more different. One is a he-man with rippling muscles, bulges everywhere . . . and the other one’s the governor of California.
I had a good weekend. I went to Toronto. They have the "Just for Laughs” festival. Peter Ustinov used to say that Toronto was like New York run by the Swiss. Which I think is unfair. Unfair to Toronto because the Swiss are bastards. With their cheese, and their coockoo clocks, and their Swiss Army knives . . . . no wonder they’re neutral. Who are you going to scare with that little knife?
I went to this great hotel, the Germain Hotel. It was mobbed with people for the festival. So I signed under a name that no one would recognize: Craig Ferguson.
