Thursday, July 26, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that?
Vick has been ordered by the Atlanta Falcons not to report to practice. Good. You know who it was that turned Michael Vick in? Dog the Bounty Hunter. What are the odds?
Huge scandals are rocking all three major sports right now. The NFL with Michael Vick; the NBA with that gambling thing; baseball with steroids. In fact, ESPN and Court TV have now merged. They are just going to be one.
It got a little testy at the debates the other night when Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. Then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being "naïve.” That’s what she said, "naïve.” Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would "forsake all others ’til death do you part?”
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Lindsay Lohan — again. She’s telling her side of story though this time. She said the cocaine that was in her pants was not hers. It was put there by someone else. And you know what? I believe her. Hollywood is a dangerous place; people are always slipping stuff into your pants.
Disney announced today that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called "Smoke-ahontas.”
And another one, the follow-up, "Cigarella.”
Kimmel
Good news today: Lindsay Lohan, it turns out, is innocent. She told Billy Bush of "Access Hollywood,” in an e-mail, that the drugs the police found on her weren’t hers. She said the drugs belonged to someone else.
And her blood alcohol level belonged to Mischa Barton.
Is anyone else disturbed that the top news story in the world came out of Billy Bush’s BlackBerry last night?
If Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are any indication, rehab works about as well as the Ab Roller.
Leno
Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that?
Vick has been ordered by the Atlanta Falcons not to report to practice. Good. You know who it was that turned Michael Vick in? Dog the Bounty Hunter. What are the odds?
Huge scandals are rocking all three major sports right now. The NFL with Michael Vick; the NBA with that gambling thing; baseball with steroids. In fact, ESPN and Court TV have now merged. They are just going to be one.
It got a little testy at the debates the other night when Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. Then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being "naïve.” That’s what she said, "naïve.” Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would "forsake all others ’til death do you part?”
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Lindsay Lohan — again. She’s telling her side of story though this time. She said the cocaine that was in her pants was not hers. It was put there by someone else. And you know what? I believe her. Hollywood is a dangerous place; people are always slipping stuff into your pants.
Disney announced today that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called "Smoke-ahontas.”
And another one, the follow-up, "Cigarella.”
Kimmel
Good news today: Lindsay Lohan, it turns out, is innocent. She told Billy Bush of "Access Hollywood,” in an e-mail, that the drugs the police found on her weren’t hers. She said the drugs belonged to someone else.
And her blood alcohol level belonged to Mischa Barton.
Is anyone else disturbed that the top news story in the world came out of Billy Bush’s BlackBerry last night?
If Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are any indication, rehab works about as well as the Ab Roller.
