Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Does anyone have one of these new iPhones? It’s part of the new revolution in electronic entertainment. They say in a few years you will be able to watch any TV show anytime, anywhere. In fact, they say one day it will be possible for viewers to ignore NBC 24 hours a day.
Today family values conservative Republican senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted that he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently, years ago this Sen. Vitter guy had been seeing one of the D.C. madam’s escorts. You think the senator is embarrassed how about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician.
John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He is now doing something called his "poverty tour” where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today — John McCain’s headquarters.
Did you hear what happened today with Mayor Villaraigosa? I guess he tried to give someone the key to the city but it didn’t work because his wife had the locks changed.
Letterman
Hot and miserable here in New York City today. It was 93 and unbearable. Just like Regis.
There are prostitutes in Washington D.C. and it turns out that senators and congressmen and important and powerful people are dating the prostitutes. There’s a senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, who admitted that he’s been dating prostitutes, and he was very generous with one girl. He paid her with a new highway project in her home state.
At least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone.
They’ve updated the Seven Wonders of the World. Here’s the real wonder of the world. How I’ve managed to stay on television for 30 years.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Words You Couldn't Say On Television 20 Years Ago
10. Nutmeat
9. Manhole
8. Dicker
7. Niblet
6. Titmouse
5. Pussyfoot
4. Aer Lingus
3. Angina
2. Dick Butkus
1. Ballcock
Conan
President Bush hosted a town meeting-style event in Cleveland. During the event, Bush discussed strategies for getting out of Iraq and strategies for getting out of Cleveland.
The other day Hillary Clinton returned to her old stomping ground, Arkansas. For old times sake she stopped by the governor’s mansion and tore the guy a new one.
The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right because the new movie is called "Harry Potter and the Low-Yield Municipal Bonds.”
Ferguson
There’s a new study that says women are attracted to men with muscles. Oh, wow. Those scientists just get smarter and smarter.
There’s a heatwave in L.A. and all across the country. Some say global warming, some say that other mysterious phenomenon — summer.
That Washington D.C. madam has revealed her client list. Surprise surprise — the list includes some politicians. I didn’t think that when the Washington D.C. madam released the list of her clients that there’d be any politicians on it!
Kimmel
Tonight for the first time ever, we are on in the city of Atlanta. For the four and half years we’ve been on, we’ve never been on in Atlanta. Can you imagine the suffering these people have been through?
This is our 894th show. For Atlanta, let me try to catch you up on the 893.
Kids are getting their first view of Harry Potter’s new movie, "Harry Potter Burns in Hell.” In the end, Lord Voldermort kills Harry with a very vicious atomic wedgie.
Leno
Does anyone have one of these new iPhones? It’s part of the new revolution in electronic entertainment. They say in a few years you will be able to watch any TV show anytime, anywhere. In fact, they say one day it will be possible for viewers to ignore NBC 24 hours a day.
Today family values conservative Republican senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted that he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently, years ago this Sen. Vitter guy had been seeing one of the D.C. madam’s escorts. You think the senator is embarrassed how about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician.
John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He is now doing something called his "poverty tour” where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today — John McCain’s headquarters.
Did you hear what happened today with Mayor Villaraigosa? I guess he tried to give someone the key to the city but it didn’t work because his wife had the locks changed.
Letterman
Hot and miserable here in New York City today. It was 93 and unbearable. Just like Regis.
There are prostitutes in Washington D.C. and it turns out that senators and congressmen and important and powerful people are dating the prostitutes. There’s a senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, who admitted that he’s been dating prostitutes, and he was very generous with one girl. He paid her with a new highway project in her home state.
At least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone.
They’ve updated the Seven Wonders of the World. Here’s the real wonder of the world. How I’ve managed to stay on television for 30 years.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Words You Couldn't Say On Television 20 Years Ago
10. Nutmeat
9. Manhole
8. Dicker
7. Niblet
6. Titmouse
5. Pussyfoot
4. Aer Lingus
3. Angina
2. Dick Butkus
1. Ballcock
Conan
President Bush hosted a town meeting-style event in Cleveland. During the event, Bush discussed strategies for getting out of Iraq and strategies for getting out of Cleveland.
The other day Hillary Clinton returned to her old stomping ground, Arkansas. For old times sake she stopped by the governor’s mansion and tore the guy a new one.
The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right because the new movie is called "Harry Potter and the Low-Yield Municipal Bonds.”
Ferguson
There’s a new study that says women are attracted to men with muscles. Oh, wow. Those scientists just get smarter and smarter.
There’s a heatwave in L.A. and all across the country. Some say global warming, some say that other mysterious phenomenon — summer.
That Washington D.C. madam has revealed her client list. Surprise surprise — the list includes some politicians. I didn’t think that when the Washington D.C. madam released the list of her clients that there’d be any politicians on it!
Kimmel
Tonight for the first time ever, we are on in the city of Atlanta. For the four and half years we’ve been on, we’ve never been on in Atlanta. Can you imagine the suffering these people have been through?
This is our 894th show. For Atlanta, let me try to catch you up on the 893.
Kids are getting their first view of Harry Potter’s new movie, "Harry Potter Burns in Hell.” In the end, Lord Voldermort kills Harry with a very vicious atomic wedgie.
