Friday, July 27, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Did you know about this? President Bush got a colonoscopy over the weekend. He had it done at Camp David. After seeing the movie "Sicko,” he didn’t want to go to a hospital.
According to a study by The New England Journal of Medicine, obesity can be "socially contagious.” That means the more time you spend hanging around heavy people, the more likely you will become fat. Obesity can be contagious? How does that work? "Hey bob what happened to your ass?” "A fat guy at the office sneezed on me. I got a touch of that obesity thing.”
Do you believe that? Hey, if it was contagious Clinton would have contracted it years ago. He would way 1,100 pounds now.
Starbucks announced they’re raising their prices. You know why? Because they can. They say they are raising their prices because the price of milk has gone up. Really? When did cows get a raise? Did cows get a raise?
Letterman
It was so nice out today, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for possession of a small amount of sunblock.
So many riders in the Tour de France have been tossed out because of drugs, the overall leader is the delivery guy from Empire Szechuan.
Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? The woman has been getting sexier and sexier. She’s so sexy now, the other day by accident, Bill hit on her.
Yesterday she was seen shopping in Victoria’s Pantsuit.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Never Knew About the New York Mets
10. "Team forfeited Sunday's game because we were all reading 'Harry Potter'"
9. "'Mets' is short for 'Metrosexuals'"
8. "We all carry BlackBerries so we can blog on the field"
7. "During month of May, all we did was bunt"
6. "Proud to be in the same city as our favorite talk-show host, Conan O'Brien"
5. "We always give 110 percent, except on Tuesdays, when we give 111 percent"
4. "For one season in the '80s, every player on the team was named 'Mookie'"
3. "Our stadium nacho cheese is made with pine tar"
2. "Blew entire budget signing David Beckham"
1. "We've really bonded since we started watching 'Oprah' as a team"
Ferguson
Comic-Con, the world’s largest comic book convention, starts today in San Diego. It’s a four-day celebration of comics, science fiction, and unwanted virginity.
Parents across the country are rejoicing: This weekend the basement is empty.
Convention organizers are expecting 125,000 people this year. Three of those people are projected to be female. Two of them are just moms dropping off their sons and the other one’s named Pat.
Leno
Did you know about this? President Bush got a colonoscopy over the weekend. He had it done at Camp David. After seeing the movie "Sicko,” he didn’t want to go to a hospital.
According to a study by The New England Journal of Medicine, obesity can be "socially contagious.” That means the more time you spend hanging around heavy people, the more likely you will become fat. Obesity can be contagious? How does that work? "Hey bob what happened to your ass?” "A fat guy at the office sneezed on me. I got a touch of that obesity thing.”
Do you believe that? Hey, if it was contagious Clinton would have contracted it years ago. He would way 1,100 pounds now.
Starbucks announced they’re raising their prices. You know why? Because they can. They say they are raising their prices because the price of milk has gone up. Really? When did cows get a raise? Did cows get a raise?
Letterman
It was so nice out today, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for possession of a small amount of sunblock.
So many riders in the Tour de France have been tossed out because of drugs, the overall leader is the delivery guy from Empire Szechuan.
Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? The woman has been getting sexier and sexier. She’s so sexy now, the other day by accident, Bill hit on her.
Yesterday she was seen shopping in Victoria’s Pantsuit.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Never Knew About the New York Mets
10. "Team forfeited Sunday's game because we were all reading 'Harry Potter'"
9. "'Mets' is short for 'Metrosexuals'"
8. "We all carry BlackBerries so we can blog on the field"
7. "During month of May, all we did was bunt"
6. "Proud to be in the same city as our favorite talk-show host, Conan O'Brien"
5. "We always give 110 percent, except on Tuesdays, when we give 111 percent"
4. "For one season in the '80s, every player on the team was named 'Mookie'"
3. "Our stadium nacho cheese is made with pine tar"
2. "Blew entire budget signing David Beckham"
1. "We've really bonded since we started watching 'Oprah' as a team"
Ferguson
Comic-Con, the world’s largest comic book convention, starts today in San Diego. It’s a four-day celebration of comics, science fiction, and unwanted virginity.
Parents across the country are rejoicing: This weekend the basement is empty.
Convention organizers are expecting 125,000 people this year. Three of those people are projected to be female. Two of them are just moms dropping off their sons and the other one’s named Pat.
