Saturday, July 14, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste!
Here is another sex scandal. It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives, and the co-chairman of John McCain’s Florida campaign, a guy named Bob Allen, has been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He also performed a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good ole days when during campaigns you only had to kiss babies?
According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a golf nut. She’s pretty good too. The only sand trap she can’t get out of? Iraq.
Former President Bill Clinton about to publish a new book called "Giving.” "Giving.” Shouldn’t getting be the name of his new book?
Letterman
It’s summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out to the water park to catch E. coli.
I love New York City in the summer time. Where else could you spend $25 on a sweat shirt?
Have you ever been to Spain, to Pamplona for the running of the bulls? New York City doesn’t really have anything like that, except that one time Donald Trump was out on Broadway being chased by Rosie O’Donnell.
The hookers on Times Square are offering a Friday the 13th special: For an extra 50 bucks, you’re guaranteed to get lucky.
Conan
Pageant officials say that Miss New Jersey won’t be punished despite posing for embarrassing photos. Officials said living with the title Miss New Jersey is punishment enough.
This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. And guess what? For the 5,000th year in a row, burqas are in.
This week in Alaska, a man received four years' probation for illegally cutting off 100 seals’ penises. He got four years probation. His sentence would have been harsher, but the prosecution couldn’t find a seal brave enough to testify against him.
Ferguson
It’s Friday the 13th! If you’re a sexy teenager camping by a lake with other sexy teenagers, get out.
The guy in the hockey mask is not a goalie!
Webster’s announced the new words that are going to be in next year’s dictionary. One of them is ginormous. Ginormous! There’s not going to be a definition, just a picture. [Presents a picture of Jack Nicholson shirtless and overweight.]
Jack Nicholson . . . Do you know what I love about Jack? He’s old, he’s fat, and he doesn’t give a crap.
Kimmel
It’s Friday the 13th. I hope you bought something nice for the machete-wielding killer in your life.
Another debate last night among Democratic candidates for president. Still only 479 days till the election, everybody. Get ready.
Just as the debate was rapping up, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton started talking, and I guess they didn’t realize their mikes were still on. Here’s what was said [Edwards’ voice dubbed in]: "Hey Hillary, you need to call Maurice of Beverly Hills. Look at my hair, so luxurious so full. Tell him John Edwards sent you.”
The president’s approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now President Bush is ranked somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi.
Leno
The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste!
Here is another sex scandal. It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives, and the co-chairman of John McCain’s Florida campaign, a guy named Bob Allen, has been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He also performed a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good ole days when during campaigns you only had to kiss babies?
According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a golf nut. She’s pretty good too. The only sand trap she can’t get out of? Iraq.
Former President Bill Clinton about to publish a new book called "Giving.” "Giving.” Shouldn’t getting be the name of his new book?
Letterman
It’s summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out to the water park to catch E. coli.
I love New York City in the summer time. Where else could you spend $25 on a sweat shirt?
Have you ever been to Spain, to Pamplona for the running of the bulls? New York City doesn’t really have anything like that, except that one time Donald Trump was out on Broadway being chased by Rosie O’Donnell.
The hookers on Times Square are offering a Friday the 13th special: For an extra 50 bucks, you’re guaranteed to get lucky.
Conan
Pageant officials say that Miss New Jersey won’t be punished despite posing for embarrassing photos. Officials said living with the title Miss New Jersey is punishment enough.
This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. And guess what? For the 5,000th year in a row, burqas are in.
This week in Alaska, a man received four years' probation for illegally cutting off 100 seals’ penises. He got four years probation. His sentence would have been harsher, but the prosecution couldn’t find a seal brave enough to testify against him.
Ferguson
It’s Friday the 13th! If you’re a sexy teenager camping by a lake with other sexy teenagers, get out.
The guy in the hockey mask is not a goalie!
Webster’s announced the new words that are going to be in next year’s dictionary. One of them is ginormous. Ginormous! There’s not going to be a definition, just a picture. [Presents a picture of Jack Nicholson shirtless and overweight.]
Jack Nicholson . . . Do you know what I love about Jack? He’s old, he’s fat, and he doesn’t give a crap.
Kimmel
It’s Friday the 13th. I hope you bought something nice for the machete-wielding killer in your life.
Another debate last night among Democratic candidates for president. Still only 479 days till the election, everybody. Get ready.
Just as the debate was rapping up, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton started talking, and I guess they didn’t realize their mikes were still on. Here’s what was said [Edwards’ voice dubbed in]: "Hey Hillary, you need to call Maurice of Beverly Hills. Look at my hair, so luxurious so full. Tell him John Edwards sent you.”
The president’s approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now President Bush is ranked somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi.
