Friday, July 13, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Boy, there are a lot of sex scandals in the news this week. It's unbelievable. Our own mayor here in Los Angeles has admitted to having an affair with a very young, very attractive reporter from the Spanish language network . . . whose job it was to cover him. She was supposed to cover him. Talk about being an embedded reporter.
The darling of the religious right, conservative Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. Today that crazy astronaut called him "my dream guy. He's got my vote.”
Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama have all agreed to appear at the first ever gay debate. The whole debate will only deal with gay issues. Like gay marriage and things like that. They are calling it the first ever all musical presidential debate.
John Edwards said today that he has always supported gay rights. Edwards said the only problem he's ever had with gays is that they charge too much for a haircut. Other than that . . . he has no issues.
Letterman
Beautiful weather today. So beautiful, down in Washington D.C., that senator from Louisiana took a couple of hookers to the park.
David Vitter, I think that's his name, has admitted he dates hookers in Washington D.C. and in Louisiana. He said in his defense, he always selected the girls who made the lowest bid. So he’s fiscally prudent.
President Bush was talking about Iraq today, and he said the United States and Iraq have made eight of the 18 benchmarks required in Iraq. If things don’t improve, people are going to start to think the war’s not going well.
Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally, Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons To Be Happy
10. Cookies
9. Pluto no longer a planet
8. The upcoming ABC sitcom featuring those hilarious Geico cavemen
7. Mojitos!
6. Thanks to technological advances, some LensCrafters can now make glasses in about 55 minutes
5. Tony and Anna are one step closer to getting together on "Days of Our Lives"
4. Only three more items left on this list
3. Bite-size popcorn chicken shakers, for a limited time only at Arby's
2. Discount Mexican Viagra
1. Jessica Biel
Conan
In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The runners are doing fine, but the bulls can’t stop laughing.
Later this summer, the first ever gay debate will be held. Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Question No. 1: Why can’t healthcare be more fabulous?
Sad news. Former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson, passed away at age 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer, an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird.
This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he opposed medical marijuana. However, Giuliani did say he is a huge supporter of medical Rogaine.
Ferguson
Ryan Seacrest admitted that he cried last weekend at Eva Longoria’s wedding. He cried when Eva Longoria married NBA star Tony Parker. Hang in there Ryan, someday you’ll find someone just like Tony.
People who are using the iPods are getting hit by lightning! It only happens when you listen to James Blunt.
Frankly, if you’re listening to that, you deserve it.
Kimmel
It was 194 degrees in Las Vegas today. All over town, women have been forced to take off their clothes and rub their bodies against cold metal poles just to survive.
I guess everyone’s going to the movies to stay cool, because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams, I think.
Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself. That’s so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is.
Leno
Boy, there are a lot of sex scandals in the news this week. It's unbelievable. Our own mayor here in Los Angeles has admitted to having an affair with a very young, very attractive reporter from the Spanish language network . . . whose job it was to cover him. She was supposed to cover him. Talk about being an embedded reporter.
The darling of the religious right, conservative Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. Today that crazy astronaut called him "my dream guy. He's got my vote.”
Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama have all agreed to appear at the first ever gay debate. The whole debate will only deal with gay issues. Like gay marriage and things like that. They are calling it the first ever all musical presidential debate.
John Edwards said today that he has always supported gay rights. Edwards said the only problem he's ever had with gays is that they charge too much for a haircut. Other than that . . . he has no issues.
Letterman
Beautiful weather today. So beautiful, down in Washington D.C., that senator from Louisiana took a couple of hookers to the park.
David Vitter, I think that's his name, has admitted he dates hookers in Washington D.C. and in Louisiana. He said in his defense, he always selected the girls who made the lowest bid. So he’s fiscally prudent.
President Bush was talking about Iraq today, and he said the United States and Iraq have made eight of the 18 benchmarks required in Iraq. If things don’t improve, people are going to start to think the war’s not going well.
Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally, Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons To Be Happy
10. Cookies
9. Pluto no longer a planet
8. The upcoming ABC sitcom featuring those hilarious Geico cavemen
7. Mojitos!
6. Thanks to technological advances, some LensCrafters can now make glasses in about 55 minutes
5. Tony and Anna are one step closer to getting together on "Days of Our Lives"
4. Only three more items left on this list
3. Bite-size popcorn chicken shakers, for a limited time only at Arby's
2. Discount Mexican Viagra
1. Jessica Biel
Conan
In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The runners are doing fine, but the bulls can’t stop laughing.
Later this summer, the first ever gay debate will be held. Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Question No. 1: Why can’t healthcare be more fabulous?
Sad news. Former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson, passed away at age 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer, an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird.
This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he opposed medical marijuana. However, Giuliani did say he is a huge supporter of medical Rogaine.
Ferguson
Ryan Seacrest admitted that he cried last weekend at Eva Longoria’s wedding. He cried when Eva Longoria married NBA star Tony Parker. Hang in there Ryan, someday you’ll find someone just like Tony.
People who are using the iPods are getting hit by lightning! It only happens when you listen to James Blunt.
Frankly, if you’re listening to that, you deserve it.
Kimmel
It was 194 degrees in Las Vegas today. All over town, women have been forced to take off their clothes and rub their bodies against cold metal poles just to survive.
I guess everyone’s going to the movies to stay cool, because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams, I think.
Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself. That’s so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is.
