Thursday, July 19, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Boy has it been a hot summer. They call this the dog days of summer. Especially if you’re Michael Vick.
Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out.
Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The bitch set me up.”
A report card of Iraq shows progress in only eight of 18 areas. Of course, President Bush is thrilled. That’s the best report card he ever got in his life.
Letterman
Hurricane warning for New York City — whoa! Earlier today, workmen were busy boarding up Donald Trump’s hair.
We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of the puddles in Times Square were actually water.
Last night in D.C. they had that all night Senate session. It was the D.C. madam’s slowest night ever.
It was an eventful busy session . . . Barack Obama dozed for 15 minutes and raised another 10 million.
Conan
Last night the Senate held an all night session. Sen. Hillary Clinton gave a speech at 4 a.m. It was the first time Hillary gave a speech at 4 in the morning that didn’t begin with, "Where the hell have you been?”
President Bush announced a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, "It’s fun to work on a problem I didn’t cause.”
Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems.
Kimmel
The seventh and final Harry Potter book comes out on Friday night at midnight. It’s supposed to be top secret, but apparently someone got a hold of the book and took pictures of every page and posted them on the Internet. The publishers are worried it could hurt sales, which is terrible news because now the author, J.K. Rowling, might not be able to buy Puerto Rico.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted yesterday in connection with some vicious dog fights that allegedly went on at a house he owned in Virginia. Some of these dogs were executed. Michael says he was just following Bob Barker’s lead trying to control the pet population.
Let’s not rush to judgment. Maybe he had a good reason for electrocuting and shooting those dogs. Maybe they were conspiring to kill him.
It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer’s Frozen Fruit as one of Oprah’s favorite things. I guess their names are so similar she thought she was supporting herself for president.
Leno
Boy has it been a hot summer. They call this the dog days of summer. Especially if you’re Michael Vick.
Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out.
Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The bitch set me up.”
A report card of Iraq shows progress in only eight of 18 areas. Of course, President Bush is thrilled. That’s the best report card he ever got in his life.
Letterman
Hurricane warning for New York City — whoa! Earlier today, workmen were busy boarding up Donald Trump’s hair.
We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of the puddles in Times Square were actually water.
Last night in D.C. they had that all night Senate session. It was the D.C. madam’s slowest night ever.
It was an eventful busy session . . . Barack Obama dozed for 15 minutes and raised another 10 million.
Conan
Last night the Senate held an all night session. Sen. Hillary Clinton gave a speech at 4 a.m. It was the first time Hillary gave a speech at 4 in the morning that didn’t begin with, "Where the hell have you been?”
President Bush announced a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, "It’s fun to work on a problem I didn’t cause.”
Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems.
Kimmel
The seventh and final Harry Potter book comes out on Friday night at midnight. It’s supposed to be top secret, but apparently someone got a hold of the book and took pictures of every page and posted them on the Internet. The publishers are worried it could hurt sales, which is terrible news because now the author, J.K. Rowling, might not be able to buy Puerto Rico.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted yesterday in connection with some vicious dog fights that allegedly went on at a house he owned in Virginia. Some of these dogs were executed. Michael says he was just following Bob Barker’s lead trying to control the pet population.
Let’s not rush to judgment. Maybe he had a good reason for electrocuting and shooting those dogs. Maybe they were conspiring to kill him.
It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer’s Frozen Fruit as one of Oprah’s favorite things. I guess their names are so similar she thought she was supporting herself for president.
