Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure.
At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted he had been involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters. The working men and working girls of Louisiana.
He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven't seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey gave his famous "I'm a gay American" speech.
In other political news, John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit.
Letterman
In the new Harry Potter movie, Harry defeats the evil wizard with a secret potion from Barry Bonds.
Everyone in New York City has Harry Potter fever. Today a guy on the subway was showing off his wand.
How about that Britney Spears? She wanted a dog so she went out and bought a dog . . . a $3,000 dog. Seems like it’s a lot of money, but it’s not just a dog, it’s a designated driver.
And a babysitter.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Titles Of My Recent Blog Entries
10. My big decision: hair plugs or hairpiece
9. A summary of today's hate mail
8. Fun places to take off your pants
7. 101 reasons why chocolate is better than men — am I right, ladies?
6. Ways to take down a gator
5. Tuesdays with Shecky
4. Rick, the creepy intern who won't stop staring at me [shot of creepy guy staring at Dave]
3. Are you there, God? It's me, Dave
2. Monkeys or kitties — which is cuter?
1. How is Scott Baio still single?!?!
Conan
The U.S. Senate is planning on holding a session on Capitol Hill that’s going to last all night. All night session. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, "Hillary won’t be home until when?”
According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republican voters is "none of the above.” At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third just behind "Good Lord, not him.”
In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush’s favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president’s list? Nachos spaghetti and corndog pudding.
It has been reported that Paris Hilton’s new boyfriend is a T-shirt designer. He’s the guy who designed the T-shirt, "I’m With Skanky.”
Kimmel
We are now seen in more than 13 cities nationwide. We are chewing through the South like a bucket of boll weevils.
David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England last week. She’s the former Spice Girl, he’s the famous soccer player. I guess we’re supposed to be excited about this, even though we don’t care about soccer or the Spice Girls.
The L.A. Galaxy, a local indoor soccer team, paid out $250 million to sign him. They’re hoping he can do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey, which means in 15 years no one will be watching soccer either.
Leno
Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure.
At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted he had been involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters. The working men and working girls of Louisiana.
He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven't seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey gave his famous "I'm a gay American" speech.
In other political news, John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit.
Letterman
In the new Harry Potter movie, Harry defeats the evil wizard with a secret potion from Barry Bonds.
Everyone in New York City has Harry Potter fever. Today a guy on the subway was showing off his wand.
How about that Britney Spears? She wanted a dog so she went out and bought a dog . . . a $3,000 dog. Seems like it’s a lot of money, but it’s not just a dog, it’s a designated driver.
And a babysitter.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Titles Of My Recent Blog Entries
10. My big decision: hair plugs or hairpiece
9. A summary of today's hate mail
8. Fun places to take off your pants
7. 101 reasons why chocolate is better than men — am I right, ladies?
6. Ways to take down a gator
5. Tuesdays with Shecky
4. Rick, the creepy intern who won't stop staring at me [shot of creepy guy staring at Dave]
3. Are you there, God? It's me, Dave
2. Monkeys or kitties — which is cuter?
1. How is Scott Baio still single?!?!
Conan
The U.S. Senate is planning on holding a session on Capitol Hill that’s going to last all night. All night session. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, "Hillary won’t be home until when?”
According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republican voters is "none of the above.” At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third just behind "Good Lord, not him.”
In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush’s favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president’s list? Nachos spaghetti and corndog pudding.
It has been reported that Paris Hilton’s new boyfriend is a T-shirt designer. He’s the guy who designed the T-shirt, "I’m With Skanky.”
Kimmel
We are now seen in more than 13 cities nationwide. We are chewing through the South like a bucket of boll weevils.
David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England last week. She’s the former Spice Girl, he’s the famous soccer player. I guess we’re supposed to be excited about this, even though we don’t care about soccer or the Spice Girls.
The L.A. Galaxy, a local indoor soccer team, paid out $250 million to sign him. They’re hoping he can do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey, which means in 15 years no one will be watching soccer either.
