Saturday, July 21, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Leno
I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom.
John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting him as a tough guy. His wife says he has unbelievable toughness. And he is tough. Like in the ad, it says sometimes he shampoos his hair and then skips the conditioner completely and goes commando.
In just a couple of weeks, the new movie “Underdog” comes out. It’s a dog with super powers that fights criminals. That’s gotta be Michael Vick’s worst nightmare.
People are mad about this Michael Vick thing. Today, Bob Barker called for Vick to be spayed and neutered.
Letterman
Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting.
Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair.
"Hairspray" opened today. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton.
Conan
Tomorrow President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he’s going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That’s right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Lord Voldermort will be running the country.
A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.”
Yesterday, Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks.
Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.”
Kimmel
Tonight we celebrate our 900th show. All done, by the way, without the help of steroids.
Nine hundred seems enough. I’m thinking about opening a nail salon in Sacramento.
The final Harry Potter book came out. This is a quick glossary of some common terms: "Hogwarts” is the school they go to. A "muggle” is a person who doesn’t do magic. Like David Blaine.
Quidditch” is a magical lacrosse-like game. "Kucinich” is a magical elf who lives in a tree.
Leno
I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom.
John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting him as a tough guy. His wife says he has unbelievable toughness. And he is tough. Like in the ad, it says sometimes he shampoos his hair and then skips the conditioner completely and goes commando.
In just a couple of weeks, the new movie “Underdog” comes out. It’s a dog with super powers that fights criminals. That’s gotta be Michael Vick’s worst nightmare.
People are mad about this Michael Vick thing. Today, Bob Barker called for Vick to be spayed and neutered.
Letterman
Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting.
Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair.
"Hairspray" opened today. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton.
Conan
Tomorrow President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he’s going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That’s right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Lord Voldermort will be running the country.
A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.”
Yesterday, Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks.
Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.”
Kimmel
Tonight we celebrate our 900th show. All done, by the way, without the help of steroids.
Nine hundred seems enough. I’m thinking about opening a nail salon in Sacramento.
The final Harry Potter book came out. This is a quick glossary of some common terms: "Hogwarts” is the school they go to. A "muggle” is a person who doesn’t do magic. Like David Blaine.
Quidditch” is a magical lacrosse-like game. "Kucinich” is a magical elf who lives in a tree.
