Thursday, June 28, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
This week they had the annual congressional baseball game and the House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2. It was typical of both parties — the Republicans kept stealing and after the game the Democrats demanded a recount.
Ralph Nader is talking about running for president again. God bless him. He’s been accused of being a "spoiler.” You know what that is, a "spoiler?” That’s a politician who ruins the chances of another candidate. For example: Al Gore’s spoiler was Ralph Nader. He would have won . . . except Florida . . . and George Bush Sr.’s spoiler was H. Ross Perot. And John Kerry’s spoiler was John Kerry.
Did you hear about this? This is all cable news is talking about. Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews’ "Hardball” yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. It’s a good thing Coulter hasn’t attacked Giuliani . . . She’d have three angry wives calling her. They’d have to get a conference call going.
Universal Pictures announced they plan to make a movie about the life of Hugh Hefner. I don’t want to say that Hugh Hefner is getting old, but do you know who is playing the young Hugh Hefner? Peter O’Toole.
Letterman
It’s so hot today, Britney Spears said that if she wore underpants, today she wouldn’t wear them.
Thank God Paris Hilton is out of prison. Yesterday at Paris’ compound, she had a hair stylist come to the house to add hair extensions. First day out of prison — hair extensions. Ladies and gentlemen — it’s like I have a twin.
Now Paris has to do community service. Man — wait a minute. Community service? You’re telling me an Internet sex video is not community service?
Ferguson
There was a huge blackout in the upper east side of New York. New York hasn’t seen a blackout this bad since Lindsay Lohan was in town.
Or since Danny DeVito was on "The View.”
Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific.
It could just be a Lions fan!
Kimmel
Paris Hilton spoke to Larry King. Larry seemed almost bored. He asked what was the mystery medical illness. She said it was claustrophobia. You mean to tell she had claustrophobia and they kept her in jail? What kind of barbaric society is this?
Maybe she meant chlamydia. I don’t know.
Independence Day is next week. It falls on July 4 this year.
One of the things I love, is the fireworks safety videos. It’s that time of year again where we blow up mannequins. So if you’re a mannequin, be very careful this year.
Leno
This week they had the annual congressional baseball game and the House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2. It was typical of both parties — the Republicans kept stealing and after the game the Democrats demanded a recount.
Ralph Nader is talking about running for president again. God bless him. He’s been accused of being a "spoiler.” You know what that is, a "spoiler?” That’s a politician who ruins the chances of another candidate. For example: Al Gore’s spoiler was Ralph Nader. He would have won . . . except Florida . . . and George Bush Sr.’s spoiler was H. Ross Perot. And John Kerry’s spoiler was John Kerry.
Did you hear about this? This is all cable news is talking about. Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews’ "Hardball” yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. It’s a good thing Coulter hasn’t attacked Giuliani . . . She’d have three angry wives calling her. They’d have to get a conference call going.
Universal Pictures announced they plan to make a movie about the life of Hugh Hefner. I don’t want to say that Hugh Hefner is getting old, but do you know who is playing the young Hugh Hefner? Peter O’Toole.
Letterman
It’s so hot today, Britney Spears said that if she wore underpants, today she wouldn’t wear them.
Thank God Paris Hilton is out of prison. Yesterday at Paris’ compound, she had a hair stylist come to the house to add hair extensions. First day out of prison — hair extensions. Ladies and gentlemen — it’s like I have a twin.
Now Paris has to do community service. Man — wait a minute. Community service? You’re telling me an Internet sex video is not community service?
Ferguson
There was a huge blackout in the upper east side of New York. New York hasn’t seen a blackout this bad since Lindsay Lohan was in town.
Or since Danny DeVito was on "The View.”
Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific.
It could just be a Lions fan!
Kimmel
Paris Hilton spoke to Larry King. Larry seemed almost bored. He asked what was the mystery medical illness. She said it was claustrophobia. You mean to tell she had claustrophobia and they kept her in jail? What kind of barbaric society is this?
Maybe she meant chlamydia. I don’t know.
Independence Day is next week. It falls on July 4 this year.
One of the things I love, is the fireworks safety videos. It’s that time of year again where we blow up mannequins. So if you’re a mannequin, be very careful this year.
