Saturday, June 16, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
This Sunday, of course, is Father’s Day. Except in Beverly Hills where it’s forefathers day. Where kids celebrate their four fathers. The stepfather . . .
Democrat presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an impeach Dick Cheney movement. How many heart attacks has Cheney had, five, six? If you want to get rid of this guy just buy him a cheeseburger.
As you know, all the candidates have released their financial statements. It turned out that Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. Ten million dollars! That sounds glamorous but come on. Imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half a country away. Him sitting there by himself. How lonely that must be though.
Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now.
Letterman
Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It’s been weeks that I walked through Central Park screaming, "I’m hit! I’m hit!”
Many of you will make it back to your hotels alive.
Paris Hilton got an Emmy for her work on a daytime soap opera. Have you seen it? "The Young and the Brainless?”
Rosie O’Donnell was also nominated for Best Talk Show Host. She looked fantastic by the way, at the Emmy Awards. She spent the day getting her back waxed.
Conan
In honor of Father’s Day, a group of doctors is offering dads free prostate exams. So next year, your dad will be happy when he gets a tie. That tie will be looking pretty good.
Hillary Clinton has launched a new Web site where people can get all the latest Hillary news. John Edwards has launched a new Web site where people can get his blend of shampoos and conditioners.
The Iranian parliament has passed a law calling for the execution of all Iranian porn stars. Of course, in Iran, a porn movie is any movie where a woman exposes her chin.
It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady.”
Ferguson
"Fantastic 4" opens today. I don’t know why they’re fantastic; they look just fabulous to me.
There is itchy, stretchy . . .
Anyway, The Thing gets married. I guess to "Miss Thing.”
The Nancy Drew movie opened today. That’s the one I’ll be seeing. Nancy Drew is a spunky teenager who fights crime and wears a miniskirt. I went through a phase like that.
Kimmel
We have a tradition on Father’s Day. I wake up to the site of my two beautiful children standing by my bed with a pillow trying to smother me.
Father’s Day is a day for kids to show appreciation to their dads. Well, once Maury Povich identifies who their dad is.
Today was Bob Barker’s last day on "The Price Is Right.” After 35 years, he realized that the show was boring.
Leno
This Sunday, of course, is Father’s Day. Except in Beverly Hills where it’s forefathers day. Where kids celebrate their four fathers. The stepfather . . .
Democrat presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an impeach Dick Cheney movement. How many heart attacks has Cheney had, five, six? If you want to get rid of this guy just buy him a cheeseburger.
As you know, all the candidates have released their financial statements. It turned out that Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. Ten million dollars! That sounds glamorous but come on. Imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half a country away. Him sitting there by himself. How lonely that must be though.
Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now.
Letterman
Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It’s been weeks that I walked through Central Park screaming, "I’m hit! I’m hit!”
Many of you will make it back to your hotels alive.
Paris Hilton got an Emmy for her work on a daytime soap opera. Have you seen it? "The Young and the Brainless?”
Rosie O’Donnell was also nominated for Best Talk Show Host. She looked fantastic by the way, at the Emmy Awards. She spent the day getting her back waxed.
Conan
In honor of Father’s Day, a group of doctors is offering dads free prostate exams. So next year, your dad will be happy when he gets a tie. That tie will be looking pretty good.
Hillary Clinton has launched a new Web site where people can get all the latest Hillary news. John Edwards has launched a new Web site where people can get his blend of shampoos and conditioners.
The Iranian parliament has passed a law calling for the execution of all Iranian porn stars. Of course, in Iran, a porn movie is any movie where a woman exposes her chin.
It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady.”
Ferguson
"Fantastic 4" opens today. I don’t know why they’re fantastic; they look just fabulous to me.
There is itchy, stretchy . . .
Anyway, The Thing gets married. I guess to "Miss Thing.”
The Nancy Drew movie opened today. That’s the one I’ll be seeing. Nancy Drew is a spunky teenager who fights crime and wears a miniskirt. I went through a phase like that.
Kimmel
We have a tradition on Father’s Day. I wake up to the site of my two beautiful children standing by my bed with a pillow trying to smother me.
Father’s Day is a day for kids to show appreciation to their dads. Well, once Maury Povich identifies who their dad is.
Today was Bob Barker’s last day on "The Price Is Right.” After 35 years, he realized that the show was boring.
