Saturday, June 23, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
It was so hot today, Matthew McConaughey had a reason to run around without a shirt on.
It was so hot today, Paris Hilton was rubbing ice cubes on her chest even when the guards weren’t watching.
According to US Weekly, Paris Hilton does not read the books in the jail library. You know why? Because they’re books!
President Bush is hosting a visit by the president of Vietnam. He didn’t want to go, but his father couldn’t get him out of it.
Conan
Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. They’ve asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don’t want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter, who was saying, "Welcome to Wal-Mart; Harry is dead.”
Yankees’ Jason Giambi has told Major League Baseball he will testify about his own steroid use, but he will not mention the names of any other players. Instead he said he’s going to talk about someone whose name rhymes with Harry Honds.
They’re going to reveal President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they’re just gonna build some stuff, and see what happens.
This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze.
Ferguson
There was a new study released this week that listed the most environmentally friendly corporations in the world. One of the corporations that came in last place was CBS. It’s true. We just beat the nuclear power plant in Chernobyl.
CBS has asked me to cut down on my gas emissions. They’ll have to take my burrito from my cold, dead hands.
Today is the day for the 2007 Ugliest Dog competition. It’s a real contest. I’m not making it up. The favorite to win this year is a strange mixed breed from New York. This is an ugly creature. [Picture of Donald Trump.]
To be fair to Trump, he’s not the one entering the contest. It’s just the thing on his head.
Leno
It was so hot today, Matthew McConaughey had a reason to run around without a shirt on.
It was so hot today, Paris Hilton was rubbing ice cubes on her chest even when the guards weren’t watching.
According to US Weekly, Paris Hilton does not read the books in the jail library. You know why? Because they’re books!
President Bush is hosting a visit by the president of Vietnam. He didn’t want to go, but his father couldn’t get him out of it.
Conan
Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. They’ve asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don’t want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter, who was saying, "Welcome to Wal-Mart; Harry is dead.”
Yankees’ Jason Giambi has told Major League Baseball he will testify about his own steroid use, but he will not mention the names of any other players. Instead he said he’s going to talk about someone whose name rhymes with Harry Honds.
They’re going to reveal President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they’re just gonna build some stuff, and see what happens.
This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze.
Ferguson
There was a new study released this week that listed the most environmentally friendly corporations in the world. One of the corporations that came in last place was CBS. It’s true. We just beat the nuclear power plant in Chernobyl.
CBS has asked me to cut down on my gas emissions. They’ll have to take my burrito from my cold, dead hands.
Today is the day for the 2007 Ugliest Dog competition. It’s a real contest. I’m not making it up. The favorite to win this year is a strange mixed breed from New York. This is an ugly creature. [Picture of Donald Trump.]
To be fair to Trump, he’s not the one entering the contest. It’s just the thing on his head.
