Thursday, June 21, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
It was so hot today, Kobe Bryant wanted to leave L.A. just because of the heat.
The Vatican this week published something it’s calling the "Ten Commandments for Drivers.” It’s commandments you should follow while you drive. They actually mention Lindsay Lohan by name.
Nissan announced they are going to build a car in India that will retail for just $3,000. But it’s available only to the Indian people. How about building a car for $3,000 for Americans who lost their jobs to India? Wouldn’t that be better?
In a campaign ad that is a spoof of the big "Sopranos” finale. Have you seen this? Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. You know what the difference is between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary goes to the strip club to find her spouse.
Conan
Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.”
A new comic book has come out that features Latino superheroes. Apparently, they leap over the border in a single bound.
Jail officials in England found a cell phone hidden in a prisoner’s rear end. Prison officials became suspicious when they heard the inmate saying, "I’m gonna lose you. My cell phone’s about to go into a tunnel.”
Ferguson
Not a great day for the Republicans. In New York City, the mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has left the Republican Party. He’s now an independent. He used to be a Democrat, then he was a Republican, now he’s an independent. This guy’s gonna run for president, because who’s going to accuse him of flip-flopping? Who?
He’s a billionaire, Bloomberg. He’s so rich, he owns a TV channel dedicated only to money. In 2005, in the mayor’s race in New York, he spent a hundred dollars for everey vote. A hundred bucks! Of course he won! For a hundred bucks, I’d vote for the Olsen twins!
There was one independent president — Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt founded the national park system. President Taft, who followed Teddy Roosevelt weighed 350 pounds. He was our fattest president ever. He was almost a state himself.
He was so fat, he had to have a special bathtub put into the White House. Bill Clinton loved that bathtub.
Leno
It was so hot today, Kobe Bryant wanted to leave L.A. just because of the heat.
The Vatican this week published something it’s calling the "Ten Commandments for Drivers.” It’s commandments you should follow while you drive. They actually mention Lindsay Lohan by name.
Nissan announced they are going to build a car in India that will retail for just $3,000. But it’s available only to the Indian people. How about building a car for $3,000 for Americans who lost their jobs to India? Wouldn’t that be better?
In a campaign ad that is a spoof of the big "Sopranos” finale. Have you seen this? Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. You know what the difference is between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary goes to the strip club to find her spouse.
Conan
Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.”
A new comic book has come out that features Latino superheroes. Apparently, they leap over the border in a single bound.
Jail officials in England found a cell phone hidden in a prisoner’s rear end. Prison officials became suspicious when they heard the inmate saying, "I’m gonna lose you. My cell phone’s about to go into a tunnel.”
Ferguson
Not a great day for the Republicans. In New York City, the mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has left the Republican Party. He’s now an independent. He used to be a Democrat, then he was a Republican, now he’s an independent. This guy’s gonna run for president, because who’s going to accuse him of flip-flopping? Who?
He’s a billionaire, Bloomberg. He’s so rich, he owns a TV channel dedicated only to money. In 2005, in the mayor’s race in New York, he spent a hundred dollars for everey vote. A hundred bucks! Of course he won! For a hundred bucks, I’d vote for the Olsen twins!
There was one independent president — Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt founded the national park system. President Taft, who followed Teddy Roosevelt weighed 350 pounds. He was our fattest president ever. He was almost a state himself.
He was so fat, he had to have a special bathtub put into the White House. Bill Clinton loved that bathtub.
