Friday, June 15, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Happy Flag Day. This is, of course, the day when we fly a flag made in China, in a country that freed itself from England so one day it could become the home to 12 million Mexican immigrants.
Israel elected a new president. 83-year-old Shimon Peres. Surprisingly the deciding factor? The Jewish vote.
Finally some good news today. There has been a breakthrough compromise in the immigration bill that will make everyone happy — under the new bill we let in 12 million illegal immigrants but deport Paris Hilton.
In a jailhouse telephone interview with Barbara Walters, Paris Hilton said God has given her a second chance. Today God insisted that Paris didn’t get any special treatment.
Letterman
Sunday is Father’s Day. The hookers in Times Square are doing their part. For an extra $20, they’ll call you Daddy.
Donald Trump is 61 years old today. He had a beautiful birthday cake — 87 stories tall with parking in Retail.
I got him a woodchuck so his hair would have a playmate.
More trouble for the New York Yankees. Jason Giambi may be suspended if he doesn’t answer questions about steroids. This is serious. This is no laughing matter. This why Rosie got fired.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At Donald Trump's Birthday Party
10. "I hope the candles don't set fire to that thing on his head"
9. "Hey, the Dominos guy is here"
8. "Do I really have nothing better to be doing?"
7. "I'm suprised he showed up — usually Trump hates attention"
6. "Look, David Hasselhoff's eating cake off the floor" — this joke never gets old
5. "Who invited the guy with the drug-resistant tuberculosis?"
4. "It's my birthday, I'm a billionaire and you're telling me there's no 'slaw?!"
3. "Wow, a $10 gift card to Old Navy"
2. "Lindsay Lohan left rehab for this?"
1. "Letterman . . . sorry, no Letterman on the list"
Conan
Arnold Schwarzenegger in the news. Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group that if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, how about you tell us how you learned English, and we’ll do the opposite.
Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton earned more than $10 million last year from giving speeches, but he says he gave half of it to charity. Clinton gives the other half to her sister Tiffany.
Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter . . . You are going to jail.
Ferguson
Earlier today, Barbara Walters got a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Barbara, of course, had another "Star” about a year ago, but she fired that bitch.
There’s something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they’re German. You know they’re just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered.
Most squirrels will only attack you if you provoke them. Like if you go for their nuts.
I have to say, I’m the same way. Normally very placid, but if you go for my nuts . . .
Kimmel
We’ve been hearing complaints from Paris’ fellow prisoners that her family has been getting special treatment, but according to recently released inmates, the special treatment has been trickling down to them. "We are getting special treatment because of her. We’re getting two peanut butter sandwiches, two jellies, two bologna sandwiches . . . we only get one usually.” Check me in.
It’s part of the Hilton Awards Program, I guess.
Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab. She’s planning her birthday party while she’s in there. She planning a big bash in a night club in Las Vegas. What a way to celebrate your sobriety.
How many "re’s” can you put in front of rehab?
Leno
Happy Flag Day. This is, of course, the day when we fly a flag made in China, in a country that freed itself from England so one day it could become the home to 12 million Mexican immigrants.
Israel elected a new president. 83-year-old Shimon Peres. Surprisingly the deciding factor? The Jewish vote.
Finally some good news today. There has been a breakthrough compromise in the immigration bill that will make everyone happy — under the new bill we let in 12 million illegal immigrants but deport Paris Hilton.
In a jailhouse telephone interview with Barbara Walters, Paris Hilton said God has given her a second chance. Today God insisted that Paris didn’t get any special treatment.
Letterman
Sunday is Father’s Day. The hookers in Times Square are doing their part. For an extra $20, they’ll call you Daddy.
Donald Trump is 61 years old today. He had a beautiful birthday cake — 87 stories tall with parking in Retail.
I got him a woodchuck so his hair would have a playmate.
More trouble for the New York Yankees. Jason Giambi may be suspended if he doesn’t answer questions about steroids. This is serious. This is no laughing matter. This why Rosie got fired.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At Donald Trump's Birthday Party
10. "I hope the candles don't set fire to that thing on his head"
9. "Hey, the Dominos guy is here"
8. "Do I really have nothing better to be doing?"
7. "I'm suprised he showed up — usually Trump hates attention"
6. "Look, David Hasselhoff's eating cake off the floor" — this joke never gets old
5. "Who invited the guy with the drug-resistant tuberculosis?"
4. "It's my birthday, I'm a billionaire and you're telling me there's no 'slaw?!"
3. "Wow, a $10 gift card to Old Navy"
2. "Lindsay Lohan left rehab for this?"
1. "Letterman . . . sorry, no Letterman on the list"
Conan
Arnold Schwarzenegger in the news. Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group that if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, how about you tell us how you learned English, and we’ll do the opposite.
Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton earned more than $10 million last year from giving speeches, but he says he gave half of it to charity. Clinton gives the other half to her sister Tiffany.
Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter . . . You are going to jail.
Ferguson
Earlier today, Barbara Walters got a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Barbara, of course, had another "Star” about a year ago, but she fired that bitch.
There’s something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they’re German. You know they’re just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered.
Most squirrels will only attack you if you provoke them. Like if you go for their nuts.
I have to say, I’m the same way. Normally very placid, but if you go for my nuts . . .
Kimmel
We’ve been hearing complaints from Paris’ fellow prisoners that her family has been getting special treatment, but according to recently released inmates, the special treatment has been trickling down to them. "We are getting special treatment because of her. We’re getting two peanut butter sandwiches, two jellies, two bologna sandwiches . . . we only get one usually.” Check me in.
It’s part of the Hilton Awards Program, I guess.
Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab. She’s planning her birthday party while she’s in there. She planning a big bash in a night club in Las Vegas. What a way to celebrate your sobriety.
How many "re’s” can you put in front of rehab?
