Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Do you know this is "Meet a New Mate Week?” Which is more bad news for Scooter Libby. Not looking good.
Speaking of criminals, North Carolina DA Mike Nifong, you know, that guy in the Duke lacrosse thing, has been disbarred. Now the DA just stands for dumb ass.
In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said that the U.S. will never have Cuba. Never have it? We already have it! It’s called "Miami.”
You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days.
Conan
Today, Paula Abdul celebrated her 45th birthday. Unfortunately, when Paula blew out the birthday candles, her breath caught fire and scorched a two-block radius.
According to a new poll, 15 percent of Americans say that Hillary Clinton gives them the creeps. The other 85 percent say she gives them the willies or the heebie jeebies.
The White House announced that this summer, President Bush plans to meet with the Mexican president. The two presidents will meet in the capitol of Mexico, Los Angeles.
The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas.
Ferguson
Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She’s a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship.
Not a great day for that wacky judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial. He was crying, then acting crazy. He’s resigning. Look out Judge Judy — here comes "The Crying Judge.”
Is it me, or have all the judges gone nuts? The used to just dispense justice now they’re all crazy. There’s the crying judge in Florida, there’s the judge in D.C. who’s suing the dry cleaners for $67 million because they lost his pants . . . if I had a nickel for every time I lost my pants . . . But there were no dry cleaners involved.
Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court.
Kimmel
I hope all the dads had a good Father’s Day weekend. My kids took me out to eat — free samples at Costco’s.
My son told me her left my present at his mom’s house, so as I was dropping him off, I told him he could run in and get it. But while I was driving, he just sat there quiet. So I said, "It’s not at the house is it?” And he said, "No, it isn’t.” And I said, "Well, where is it?” And he said, "It’s still at the mall.”
I threw his PlayStation in the pool. You have to teach kids.
Leno
Do you know this is "Meet a New Mate Week?” Which is more bad news for Scooter Libby. Not looking good.
Speaking of criminals, North Carolina DA Mike Nifong, you know, that guy in the Duke lacrosse thing, has been disbarred. Now the DA just stands for dumb ass.
In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said that the U.S. will never have Cuba. Never have it? We already have it! It’s called "Miami.”
You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days.
Conan
Today, Paula Abdul celebrated her 45th birthday. Unfortunately, when Paula blew out the birthday candles, her breath caught fire and scorched a two-block radius.
According to a new poll, 15 percent of Americans say that Hillary Clinton gives them the creeps. The other 85 percent say she gives them the willies or the heebie jeebies.
The White House announced that this summer, President Bush plans to meet with the Mexican president. The two presidents will meet in the capitol of Mexico, Los Angeles.
The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas.
Ferguson
Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She’s a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship.
Not a great day for that wacky judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial. He was crying, then acting crazy. He’s resigning. Look out Judge Judy — here comes "The Crying Judge.”
Is it me, or have all the judges gone nuts? The used to just dispense justice now they’re all crazy. There’s the crying judge in Florida, there’s the judge in D.C. who’s suing the dry cleaners for $67 million because they lost his pants . . . if I had a nickel for every time I lost my pants . . . But there were no dry cleaners involved.
Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court.
Kimmel
I hope all the dads had a good Father’s Day weekend. My kids took me out to eat — free samples at Costco’s.
My son told me her left my present at his mom’s house, so as I was dropping him off, I told him he could run in and get it. But while I was driving, he just sat there quiet. So I said, "It’s not at the house is it?” And he said, "No, it isn’t.” And I said, "Well, where is it?” And he said, "It’s still at the mall.”
I threw his PlayStation in the pool. You have to teach kids.
