Thursday, May 10, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Welcome to Burbank . . . or "Burnbank” as it’s now called.
The smoke was so thick this morning, I couldn’t see the smog!
Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. The price of a barrel of oil went down. That’s why Cheney is in the Middle East — to find out what went wrong.
Barack Obama’s wife Michelle has been out there campaigning for her husband and she praised her husband for having a "moral compass.” In fact, Hillary Clinton called her and asked, "Where can I get one of these moral compasses for Bill?”
Letterman
It’s a beautiful day, or as Al Gore calls it, "The last gasp of a dying planet.
Here’s how nice it was: It was so nice today that Spider-Man was having "flies a la mode.”
O.J. Simpson was at the Kentucky Derby. Paris Hilton is in prison. O.J. is still out there running around. Something’s wrong.
Vice President Dick Cheney is on a tour of the Middle East. He’s very popular over there; he’s known as "Lawrence of arrhythmia.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs A Baseball Player Is Too Old
10. Gets winded putting on his socks
9. Hard slide into second triggers Life-Alert pendant
8. While playing outfield, yells at teamates to get the hell off his lawn
7. When buying performance-enhancing drugs, gets the AARP discount
6. Claims he killed President McKinley with a line drive
5. Often begins sentences, "As Shoeless Joe Jackson once told me . . ."
4. He's almost as old as the hot dogs — seriously, have you ever eaten one of those things?
3. Lost part of his career fighting in World War I
2. During interviews, he thanks the Lord and the makers of super Poligrip
1. When he's in the on-deck circle, asks bat boy, "What did I come in here for?"
Conan
Queen Elizabeth has been in our country. Earlier this week, President Bush hosted a state dinner in Queen Elizabeth’s honor. The guests included Trent Lott, Elisabeth Hasselbeck from "The View,” and the winning jockey from the Kentucky Derby. Which explains why the queen was overheard saying, "This party bites the big one.”
In Iran, President Ahmadinejad is apparently so unpopular, the parliament has voted to take away his power and shorten his term. When he heard this, President Bush said, "That lucky bastard.”
Kind of an odd story: Last night, the Milwaukee Brewers offered all fans, who attended the game, a free rectal examine. To makes things worse, it was also free bat night.
It looks like Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. Prison officials say that while Paris Hilton is in jail, she will be taken to the showers in handcuffs. At least some things for Paris will remain the same.
Ferguson
Earlier tonight on "American Idol,” a special performance by Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees. Say what you want about the Bee Gees, it is very hard to sing that high. It was much easier back in the ‘70s when everyone wore those tight pants.
Bill Clinton has designed a crossword puzzle for The New York Times. It’s very hard: "32 across. Four letter word for Hillary.”
Big story today: Big wildfire in Griffith Park. Unbelievable. The bravery, the skills of these guys. I love firefighters. That’s why I buy the calendars. Local L.A. news people were up there. You do not want to get in between a L.A. news reporter and their big moment on camera. These reporters are fearless. The get very close to the flames with all that hairspray. And the women too.
Kimmel
Are you here for the show, or seeking shelter from the fires?
On "American Idol,” somewhere in the neighborhood of 30,000 hopefuls have been whittled down now to three highly forgettable future cruise ship entertainers.
Most of the city of Los Angeles burned down yesterday. If there’s one good thing about this, it gives our local news channels a chance to shine. They were all over this story, all day and all night, on every detail. They provided us with this edition of "How Is This News?” [Video of reporter: "One woman needed a cell phone. She didn’t grab her cell phone when she ran out of her apartment. Another woman lent her a cell phone. That was truly amazing.”]
Leno
Welcome to Burbank . . . or "Burnbank” as it’s now called.
The smoke was so thick this morning, I couldn’t see the smog!
Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. The price of a barrel of oil went down. That’s why Cheney is in the Middle East — to find out what went wrong.
Barack Obama’s wife Michelle has been out there campaigning for her husband and she praised her husband for having a "moral compass.” In fact, Hillary Clinton called her and asked, "Where can I get one of these moral compasses for Bill?”
Letterman
It’s a beautiful day, or as Al Gore calls it, "The last gasp of a dying planet.
Here’s how nice it was: It was so nice today that Spider-Man was having "flies a la mode.”
O.J. Simpson was at the Kentucky Derby. Paris Hilton is in prison. O.J. is still out there running around. Something’s wrong.
Vice President Dick Cheney is on a tour of the Middle East. He’s very popular over there; he’s known as "Lawrence of arrhythmia.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs A Baseball Player Is Too Old
10. Gets winded putting on his socks
9. Hard slide into second triggers Life-Alert pendant
8. While playing outfield, yells at teamates to get the hell off his lawn
7. When buying performance-enhancing drugs, gets the AARP discount
6. Claims he killed President McKinley with a line drive
5. Often begins sentences, "As Shoeless Joe Jackson once told me . . ."
4. He's almost as old as the hot dogs — seriously, have you ever eaten one of those things?
3. Lost part of his career fighting in World War I
2. During interviews, he thanks the Lord and the makers of super Poligrip
1. When he's in the on-deck circle, asks bat boy, "What did I come in here for?"
Conan
Queen Elizabeth has been in our country. Earlier this week, President Bush hosted a state dinner in Queen Elizabeth’s honor. The guests included Trent Lott, Elisabeth Hasselbeck from "The View,” and the winning jockey from the Kentucky Derby. Which explains why the queen was overheard saying, "This party bites the big one.”
In Iran, President Ahmadinejad is apparently so unpopular, the parliament has voted to take away his power and shorten his term. When he heard this, President Bush said, "That lucky bastard.”
Kind of an odd story: Last night, the Milwaukee Brewers offered all fans, who attended the game, a free rectal examine. To makes things worse, it was also free bat night.
It looks like Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. Prison officials say that while Paris Hilton is in jail, she will be taken to the showers in handcuffs. At least some things for Paris will remain the same.
Ferguson
Earlier tonight on "American Idol,” a special performance by Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees. Say what you want about the Bee Gees, it is very hard to sing that high. It was much easier back in the ‘70s when everyone wore those tight pants.
Bill Clinton has designed a crossword puzzle for The New York Times. It’s very hard: "32 across. Four letter word for Hillary.”
Big story today: Big wildfire in Griffith Park. Unbelievable. The bravery, the skills of these guys. I love firefighters. That’s why I buy the calendars. Local L.A. news people were up there. You do not want to get in between a L.A. news reporter and their big moment on camera. These reporters are fearless. The get very close to the flames with all that hairspray. And the women too.
Kimmel
Are you here for the show, or seeking shelter from the fires?
On "American Idol,” somewhere in the neighborhood of 30,000 hopefuls have been whittled down now to three highly forgettable future cruise ship entertainers.
Most of the city of Los Angeles burned down yesterday. If there’s one good thing about this, it gives our local news channels a chance to shine. They were all over this story, all day and all night, on every detail. They provided us with this edition of "How Is This News?” [Video of reporter: "One woman needed a cell phone. She didn’t grab her cell phone when she ran out of her apartment. Another woman lent her a cell phone. That was truly amazing.”]
