Saturday, May 12, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Today marks the 47th anniversary of the invention of the birth control pill. And for all you women out there that forgot to take yours, Happy Mother’s Day!
According to the latest poll, President Bush’s approval rating has reached a new low of 28 percent. His ratings are so low, today he was named an honorary member of the NBC Primetime Family.
And when told that Prime Minister Tony Blair was stepping down as Britain’s leader, a confused President Bush said, "Hey wait a minute — if he’s the leader of England, who’s the old lady with the crown that was just here?”
Wal-Mart is reporting its worst sales in 28 years — 28 years. Sales are so bad they may have to let some illegals go.
Letterman
I have a big weekend planned. It’s going to be my first conjugal visit with Paris Hilton.
It’s graduation time. A lot of honor students here in new York City. "Yes, Your Honor . . . No, Your Honor.”
Sunday is Mother’s Day. The day we salute the woman we blame for all of our personal problems.
I was going to have Mom come out for Mother’s Day. I thought it would be great fun. But she doesn’t have enough Greyhound miles.
Conan
Big news from England. British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he will step down next month. After hearing this President Bush said, "That’s a shame. He’s the only world leader who took the time to learn English.”
The elections are heating up. In a recent interview, John McCain said the last music he bought was The Beach Boys. While Mitt Romney said the last music he bought was Roy Orbison. Apparently, McCain and Romney are both running for president in 1964.
Anheuser-Bush is being accused of creating a new alcoholic drink designed to appeal to underage drinkers. The critics may have a point: The new drink is called Harry Potter and the Malt Liquor.
Wal-Mart has announced they’re going to open health clinics in some of their stores. Wal-Mart health clinics. Wal-Mart’s health clinics are for those people who don’t want to spend money on those fancy K-Mart doctors.
Ferguson
Paris Hilton was sentenced to jail this week. She’s looking at 45 days in jail: 45 days of surveillance cameras, body searches, sex with anyone who can get their hands on her. Business as usual!
This Sunday, of course, is Mother’s Day. You only have two days left to buy your mother flowers, jewelry, hard liquor . . .
You know what’s popular on Mother’s Day? Brunch. It’s no breakfast; it’s not lunch. It’s the only openly gay meal in America.
The place I go to for brunch has the greatest bagels in L.A. I saw a cockroach there, and I still go there. That’s how great the bagels are. It was a huge cockroach. I think it flew in from New York, that’s how good the bagels are. The cockroach cut in front of me in line!
Kimmel
It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday. Florists do a very nice thing on Mother’s Day. What they do is, they jack the price of flowers up as high as they possibly can so Mom knows you love her as much as you can possibly afford.
I was very smart this year. I bought my mom a dozen roses back in November.
I’ve been keeping them in a freezer. On Sunday, I’ll throw them in the microwave.
Leno
Today marks the 47th anniversary of the invention of the birth control pill. And for all you women out there that forgot to take yours, Happy Mother’s Day!
According to the latest poll, President Bush’s approval rating has reached a new low of 28 percent. His ratings are so low, today he was named an honorary member of the NBC Primetime Family.
And when told that Prime Minister Tony Blair was stepping down as Britain’s leader, a confused President Bush said, "Hey wait a minute — if he’s the leader of England, who’s the old lady with the crown that was just here?”
Wal-Mart is reporting its worst sales in 28 years — 28 years. Sales are so bad they may have to let some illegals go.
Letterman
I have a big weekend planned. It’s going to be my first conjugal visit with Paris Hilton.
It’s graduation time. A lot of honor students here in new York City. "Yes, Your Honor . . . No, Your Honor.”
Sunday is Mother’s Day. The day we salute the woman we blame for all of our personal problems.
I was going to have Mom come out for Mother’s Day. I thought it would be great fun. But she doesn’t have enough Greyhound miles.
Conan
Big news from England. British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he will step down next month. After hearing this President Bush said, "That’s a shame. He’s the only world leader who took the time to learn English.”
The elections are heating up. In a recent interview, John McCain said the last music he bought was The Beach Boys. While Mitt Romney said the last music he bought was Roy Orbison. Apparently, McCain and Romney are both running for president in 1964.
Anheuser-Bush is being accused of creating a new alcoholic drink designed to appeal to underage drinkers. The critics may have a point: The new drink is called Harry Potter and the Malt Liquor.
Wal-Mart has announced they’re going to open health clinics in some of their stores. Wal-Mart health clinics. Wal-Mart’s health clinics are for those people who don’t want to spend money on those fancy K-Mart doctors.
Ferguson
Paris Hilton was sentenced to jail this week. She’s looking at 45 days in jail: 45 days of surveillance cameras, body searches, sex with anyone who can get their hands on her. Business as usual!
This Sunday, of course, is Mother’s Day. You only have two days left to buy your mother flowers, jewelry, hard liquor . . .
You know what’s popular on Mother’s Day? Brunch. It’s no breakfast; it’s not lunch. It’s the only openly gay meal in America.
The place I go to for brunch has the greatest bagels in L.A. I saw a cockroach there, and I still go there. That’s how great the bagels are. It was a huge cockroach. I think it flew in from New York, that’s how good the bagels are. The cockroach cut in front of me in line!
Kimmel
It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday. Florists do a very nice thing on Mother’s Day. What they do is, they jack the price of flowers up as high as they possibly can so Mom knows you love her as much as you can possibly afford.
I was very smart this year. I bought my mom a dozen roses back in November.
I’ve been keeping them in a freezer. On Sunday, I’ll throw them in the microwave.
