Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
"Spiderman 3” made $382 million worldwide over the weekend. But then again, so did the guy who owns a Texaco station near my house.
Gas went up 20 cents a gallon this past week. Record highs all across the country. In fact, it is so expensive in Los Angeles, today, I saw Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger carpooling.
As you know, last night, President Bush and first lady Laura Bush hosted the queen of England at a big state dinner. One embarrassing moment when the queen told President Bush she had been on the throne over 55 years and Bush said, "Try Metamucil.”
According to a new study by the University of Washington, 90 percent of children under the age of 2 are couch potatoes. You know what you call these kids? Tater tots.
Letterman
Such a beautiful day here in New York City, Roger Clemens took his money for a walk in the park.
Gas? This summer it could be $4 a gallon. It’s all part of President Bush’s No Oil Company Left Behind program.
Last night at the White House, Queen Elizabeth was there and she met Barbara Bush. I think it was "old bag” night.
This Paris Hilton thing is tearing this country apart. On the one hand, people are calling for leniency. On the other hand, people are calling for lethal injection.
Conan
Queen Elizabeth is visiting Washington. The British press is angry. They’re claiming President Bush disrespected the queen because he accidently suggested she was over 200 years old and then winked at her.
Former President Bill Clinton wrote the clues for a New York Times crossword puzzle. Which explains why the clue for No. 9 down is, "synonym for pain in the ass, rhyming with ‘millary.’”
Donald Trump in the news. Donald Trump announced he is coming out with his own line of Trump steaks. Trump steaks. His steaks come in three sizes: large, extra large, and Rosie O’Donnell.
Yesterday a pilot who is blind flew half way around the world and landed his plane in Sydney Australia. At one point the blind pilot announced to the passengers, "Look out the left side of the plane, and tell me what you see.”
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Ty Pennington. He got arrested for DUI. He woke up this morning with an "Extreme hangover.”
Archaeologists have made a huge discovery in the Middle East. They found the tomb of King Herod. King Herod! The legendary builder of Jerusalem. He was the TY Pennington of his day in many ways.
He didn’t really do any of the work. He was more like the Trump of his day. He had the buildings and would write "Herod” on them.
Archaeology involves finding a lot of broken pots. Which tells us all about history. And it tells us in ancient times people were clumsy.
Kimmel
Billy Ray Cyrus has been eliminated from "Dancing with the Stars.” Don’t tell his heart. His achy-breaky heart. I just don’t think it would understand.
Paris Hilton has been voted out of society for a while. On Friday, a judge sentenced her to 45 days in a women’s detention center for driving with a suspended license. She was not happy about it. She has a petition on her MySpace page and she wants people to sign it and then they’re going to send the signatures to Gov. Schwarzenegger. Her petition says, "She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides excitement to our otherwise mundane lives.” Where would we be?
We’re circulating a petition. We’re asking Gov. Schwarzenegger to officially declare June 5 "Paris Hilton Is Going to Jail Day.”
Leno
"Spiderman 3” made $382 million worldwide over the weekend. But then again, so did the guy who owns a Texaco station near my house.
Gas went up 20 cents a gallon this past week. Record highs all across the country. In fact, it is so expensive in Los Angeles, today, I saw Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger carpooling.
As you know, last night, President Bush and first lady Laura Bush hosted the queen of England at a big state dinner. One embarrassing moment when the queen told President Bush she had been on the throne over 55 years and Bush said, "Try Metamucil.”
According to a new study by the University of Washington, 90 percent of children under the age of 2 are couch potatoes. You know what you call these kids? Tater tots.
Letterman
Such a beautiful day here in New York City, Roger Clemens took his money for a walk in the park.
Gas? This summer it could be $4 a gallon. It’s all part of President Bush’s No Oil Company Left Behind program.
Last night at the White House, Queen Elizabeth was there and she met Barbara Bush. I think it was "old bag” night.
This Paris Hilton thing is tearing this country apart. On the one hand, people are calling for leniency. On the other hand, people are calling for lethal injection.
Conan
Queen Elizabeth is visiting Washington. The British press is angry. They’re claiming President Bush disrespected the queen because he accidently suggested she was over 200 years old and then winked at her.
Former President Bill Clinton wrote the clues for a New York Times crossword puzzle. Which explains why the clue for No. 9 down is, "synonym for pain in the ass, rhyming with ‘millary.’”
Donald Trump in the news. Donald Trump announced he is coming out with his own line of Trump steaks. Trump steaks. His steaks come in three sizes: large, extra large, and Rosie O’Donnell.
Yesterday a pilot who is blind flew half way around the world and landed his plane in Sydney Australia. At one point the blind pilot announced to the passengers, "Look out the left side of the plane, and tell me what you see.”
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Ty Pennington. He got arrested for DUI. He woke up this morning with an "Extreme hangover.”
Archaeologists have made a huge discovery in the Middle East. They found the tomb of King Herod. King Herod! The legendary builder of Jerusalem. He was the TY Pennington of his day in many ways.
He didn’t really do any of the work. He was more like the Trump of his day. He had the buildings and would write "Herod” on them.
Archaeology involves finding a lot of broken pots. Which tells us all about history. And it tells us in ancient times people were clumsy.
Kimmel
Billy Ray Cyrus has been eliminated from "Dancing with the Stars.” Don’t tell his heart. His achy-breaky heart. I just don’t think it would understand.
Paris Hilton has been voted out of society for a while. On Friday, a judge sentenced her to 45 days in a women’s detention center for driving with a suspended license. She was not happy about it. She has a petition on her MySpace page and she wants people to sign it and then they’re going to send the signatures to Gov. Schwarzenegger. Her petition says, "She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides excitement to our otherwise mundane lives.” Where would we be?
We’re circulating a petition. We’re asking Gov. Schwarzenegger to officially declare June 5 "Paris Hilton Is Going to Jail Day.”
