Thursday, May 17, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Last night the 10 Republican presidential candidates held their debate on Fox News. Now, normally I don’t make predictions, but I’m going out on a limb and say I feel the debate was won by the rich white guy.
They answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer for his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, "Who are you again?”
Yesterday was "no gas" day. As a protest for high gas prices, people were asked not to buy gas. In fact, I took the $75 I saved on gas last night and got myself a coffee at Starbucks.
In Lake Luzerne, N.Y., an 18-year-old boy is OK after shooting himself . . . not with a gun. This kid was in his garage, hitting bullets with a hammer. Maybe mindless video games aren’t so bad after all.
Letterman
Anyone here for the Global Warming Summit? Last night the Global Warming Summit scientists panicked when the party ice started melting.
Donald Trump had a new granddaughter over the weekend. I did the math on this: Trump’s new granddaughter will graduate from high school the same year as his next wife.
There was a Republican presidential debate last night. The Republican candidates looked like the evil law firm in a John Grisham movie.
There’s a rumor coming out of Washington that Vice President Dick Cheney, when he was CEO of Halliburton, used to visit prostitutes. This would explain why one girl was paid 2 billion dollars.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Bob Barker Can Say Now That He's Retiring
10. "We get the prizes cheap because they're stolen"
9. "The actual retail price of the retirement watch CBS gave me . . . $17.95!"
8. "Before we give them away, I personally try out every hot tub"
7. "Slip Daddy some cash and the Showcase Showdown wheel lands wherever you want"
6. "Sleeping until noon and playing golf all day? Come on down!"
5. "Howie Mandel may be a younger game show host, but at least I still have hair"
4. "I only wish Regis were alive to see this"
3. "On my last show, I'm going to tell people, 'Go neuter yourselves'"
2. "I'm not only a game show host — I'm also Spider-Man"
1. "Some older people have the good sense to retire . . . unlike Letterman"
Conan
Last night Fox News aired the second Republican presidential debate. My favorite part was when the white guy went after those two white guys, and three other whites guys chimed in.
Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then he got an even bigger laugh when he said he was running for president.
Broadway’s Tony nominations came out yesterday. As for the people who care about the Tony nominations? They came out a long time ago.
Paris Hilton is going to jail. It’s been announced that when Paris gets to jail, her cell will only be 8 feet by 12 feet. Which explains why Paris just purchased an 8-by-12-foot ceiling mirror.
Ferguson
Bob Barker is on the show tonight. I love "The Price Is Right.” I always get the people who can’t get into the show as my audience.
Bob Barker is a war hero! Yes . . . the Civil War.
His signature is on the Declaration of Independence.
He was hosting "The Price Is Right” before there was money. Back then, it was called "The Barker System Is Right.” "The retail price of that vegetable is two goats."
Kimmel
It’s a day-by-day body count as to who will come out of "The View” alive these days.
Paris’ mother prepared a statement for Barbara Walters to read. Paris Hilton is still scheduled to go to jail on June 5. Public support for her cause continues to hover around zero percent.
Paris’ psychiatrist says Paris is so distraught, she has been unable to work. She would be unable to work if indeed she did work.
Leno
Last night the 10 Republican presidential candidates held their debate on Fox News. Now, normally I don’t make predictions, but I’m going out on a limb and say I feel the debate was won by the rich white guy.
They answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer for his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, "Who are you again?”
Yesterday was "no gas" day. As a protest for high gas prices, people were asked not to buy gas. In fact, I took the $75 I saved on gas last night and got myself a coffee at Starbucks.
In Lake Luzerne, N.Y., an 18-year-old boy is OK after shooting himself . . . not with a gun. This kid was in his garage, hitting bullets with a hammer. Maybe mindless video games aren’t so bad after all.
Letterman
Anyone here for the Global Warming Summit? Last night the Global Warming Summit scientists panicked when the party ice started melting.
Donald Trump had a new granddaughter over the weekend. I did the math on this: Trump’s new granddaughter will graduate from high school the same year as his next wife.
There was a Republican presidential debate last night. The Republican candidates looked like the evil law firm in a John Grisham movie.
There’s a rumor coming out of Washington that Vice President Dick Cheney, when he was CEO of Halliburton, used to visit prostitutes. This would explain why one girl was paid 2 billion dollars.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Bob Barker Can Say Now That He's Retiring
10. "We get the prizes cheap because they're stolen"
9. "The actual retail price of the retirement watch CBS gave me . . . $17.95!"
8. "Before we give them away, I personally try out every hot tub"
7. "Slip Daddy some cash and the Showcase Showdown wheel lands wherever you want"
6. "Sleeping until noon and playing golf all day? Come on down!"
5. "Howie Mandel may be a younger game show host, but at least I still have hair"
4. "I only wish Regis were alive to see this"
3. "On my last show, I'm going to tell people, 'Go neuter yourselves'"
2. "I'm not only a game show host — I'm also Spider-Man"
1. "Some older people have the good sense to retire . . . unlike Letterman"
Conan
Last night Fox News aired the second Republican presidential debate. My favorite part was when the white guy went after those two white guys, and three other whites guys chimed in.
Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then he got an even bigger laugh when he said he was running for president.
Broadway’s Tony nominations came out yesterday. As for the people who care about the Tony nominations? They came out a long time ago.
Paris Hilton is going to jail. It’s been announced that when Paris gets to jail, her cell will only be 8 feet by 12 feet. Which explains why Paris just purchased an 8-by-12-foot ceiling mirror.
Ferguson
Bob Barker is on the show tonight. I love "The Price Is Right.” I always get the people who can’t get into the show as my audience.
Bob Barker is a war hero! Yes . . . the Civil War.
His signature is on the Declaration of Independence.
He was hosting "The Price Is Right” before there was money. Back then, it was called "The Barker System Is Right.” "The retail price of that vegetable is two goats."
Kimmel
It’s a day-by-day body count as to who will come out of "The View” alive these days.
Paris’ mother prepared a statement for Barbara Walters to read. Paris Hilton is still scheduled to go to jail on June 5. Public support for her cause continues to hover around zero percent.
Paris’ psychiatrist says Paris is so distraught, she has been unable to work. She would be unable to work if indeed she did work.
