Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
I had a full colonoscopy today. Not at the doctor’s office. At the gas station near my house!
In Beverly Hills, they just opened an "Armani 76” station.
The Republicans had a debate last night, with 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together I think Exxon merged with Mobil.
Former President Bill Clinton did a video for his wife Hillary’s presidential campaign, although Hillary’s a little upset about it. It turns out Bill did the video with Paris Hilton.
Letterman
Very hot today. So hot today that Iran is enriching popsicles.
So hot today that Paris Hilton is happy to be going to the "cooler.”
Bob Barker, the host of "The Price Is Right” for the last 35 years, is retiring. That is amazing. What is more exciting than a housewife from Reseda trying to guess the price of a riding mower?
Vice President Dick Cheney has returned from the Middle East. He made a stop in Egypt on his way home. Apparently Halliburton wants to rebuild the pyramids.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In The "Heroes" Season Finale
10. One of us gets whacked by Tony Soprano
9. Show's slogan changed to "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World, Save 15% on Your Car Insurance by Switching to Geico"
8. Judges go nuts after the pulse-pounding rumba I do with Billy Ray Cyrus
7. We use our powers to lower gas prices, am I right, people?
6. Devote entire show to figuring out what the hell is happening on "Lost"
5. The telepathic cop wins a new car after reading Pat Sajak's mind on "Wheel Of Fortune"
4. New hero has the ability to reduce acid reflux
3. I beat the crap out of Spider-Man
2. The invisible man gets caught sneaking into dressing rooms at J.C. Penney
1. I use my teleporting powers to bust Paris Hilton out of the slammer
Conan
In New York City, they’re trying to pass a law that would require strippers to pay taxes on the money they earn for lap dances. This law is for every guy who has said, "This lap dance is great, but I wish there was something to fix potholes and build schools.”
In a new video promoting Hillary Clinton’s campaign, former President Clinton says, "There are a lot of things about Hillary that voters may not know.” Then he said, "For instance, she has a smoking-hot assistant.”
In a new interview, actress Ellen Barkin says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have sex before dinner to see if it’s worth going to dinner. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have dinner before dinner.
Ferguson
There’s a nudist colony in Connecticut trying to attract younger members. The problem is, it’s Connecticut! It’s freezing!
I don’t think being nude all the time is sexy anyway. It’s sexy when you just wear high heels. You too, ladies.
Miami was voted the worst road rage state. You have 20 [year olds] doing 95, and 95 [year olds] doing 20, that’s why.
Bumper stickers can cause road rage. Bumper stickers would be good for the nudists. More like "bum” stickers. You know, "My Other Ass Is Hot.”
Leno
I had a full colonoscopy today. Not at the doctor’s office. At the gas station near my house!
In Beverly Hills, they just opened an "Armani 76” station.
The Republicans had a debate last night, with 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together I think Exxon merged with Mobil.
Former President Bill Clinton did a video for his wife Hillary’s presidential campaign, although Hillary’s a little upset about it. It turns out Bill did the video with Paris Hilton.
Letterman
Very hot today. So hot today that Iran is enriching popsicles.
So hot today that Paris Hilton is happy to be going to the "cooler.”
Bob Barker, the host of "The Price Is Right” for the last 35 years, is retiring. That is amazing. What is more exciting than a housewife from Reseda trying to guess the price of a riding mower?
Vice President Dick Cheney has returned from the Middle East. He made a stop in Egypt on his way home. Apparently Halliburton wants to rebuild the pyramids.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In The "Heroes" Season Finale
10. One of us gets whacked by Tony Soprano
9. Show's slogan changed to "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World, Save 15% on Your Car Insurance by Switching to Geico"
8. Judges go nuts after the pulse-pounding rumba I do with Billy Ray Cyrus
7. We use our powers to lower gas prices, am I right, people?
6. Devote entire show to figuring out what the hell is happening on "Lost"
5. The telepathic cop wins a new car after reading Pat Sajak's mind on "Wheel Of Fortune"
4. New hero has the ability to reduce acid reflux
3. I beat the crap out of Spider-Man
2. The invisible man gets caught sneaking into dressing rooms at J.C. Penney
1. I use my teleporting powers to bust Paris Hilton out of the slammer
Conan
In New York City, they’re trying to pass a law that would require strippers to pay taxes on the money they earn for lap dances. This law is for every guy who has said, "This lap dance is great, but I wish there was something to fix potholes and build schools.”
In a new video promoting Hillary Clinton’s campaign, former President Clinton says, "There are a lot of things about Hillary that voters may not know.” Then he said, "For instance, she has a smoking-hot assistant.”
In a new interview, actress Ellen Barkin says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have sex before dinner to see if it’s worth going to dinner. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley says that when she’s dating a new guy, she likes to have dinner before dinner.
Ferguson
There’s a nudist colony in Connecticut trying to attract younger members. The problem is, it’s Connecticut! It’s freezing!
I don’t think being nude all the time is sexy anyway. It’s sexy when you just wear high heels. You too, ladies.
Miami was voted the worst road rage state. You have 20 [year olds] doing 95, and 95 [year olds] doing 20, that’s why.
Bumper stickers can cause road rage. Bumper stickers would be good for the nudists. More like "bum” stickers. You know, "My Other Ass Is Hot.”
