Friday, May 11, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
How about these fires? Even celebrities have been affected by the fires. Last night David Hasselhoff was lying on the floor eating a flame-broiled hamburger.
The price of gas closing in on four dollars a gallon. Everyone is affected. I saw a gardener using his hands to blow leaves.
Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail. She sent a petition to Gov. Schwarzenegger, asking him to pardon her. Isn’t that amazing? She knew who the governor was!
Letterman
Sunday is Mother’s Day. It’s a day to remind you why you are in therapy.
Looking back, I guess I had a difficult childhood. Thank God I had an imaginary friend. And my mom liked him better.
Did you hear about the guy at Circuit City? An employee at Circuit City busted up a terrorist ring. I’m thinking, no wonder I can never get a salesman to help me pick out an answering machine.
This guy’s pretty good. Not only did he bust up a terrorist ring, he sold them a bunch of crap they didn’t need.
Conan
Prime Minister Tony Blair just announced he will step down next month, which means President Bush will lose his closest foreign ally. Bush was sad, and said, "Now the only foreign leader I can trust is Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
This week a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his Plan B is if the current plan in Iraq doesn’t work. The Plan B discussion was difficult for Bush because it involves two areas where he’s extremely vulnerable: Iraq and the alphabet.
Jessica Simpson announced that she has to avoid eating dairy products because, this is her quote, "It makes me emit gas from all ends.” It’s all in her new book, "Just in Case You Thought I was Hot.”
Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter revealed that he drives a Chevy Suburban with 274,000 miles on it. Despite all those miles, the Suburban has a much better chance of making it to the ’08 election than Duncan Hunter.
Ferguson
Last night at the Boston Symphony Hall there was a fight. Between classical music fans! There wasn’t even a video game involved.
The whole country’s going nuts. Even the animals are going nuts. There was a squirrel attack this morning at a California Elementary. He was caught though. If we give in now, the squirrels win.
The British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he’s stepping down. I have great respect for Tony Blair. He helped bring peace to Northern Ireland. If you can get the Protestants and Catholics to work things out, you can solve anything. You can solve the Israeli-Palestinian crisis, and even the ultimate challenge: Rosie and Trump.
Kimmel
Clay Aiken is here tonight. I want to extend a welcome to all of the "Claymates” that are here tonight. They have been camped out to see him since the last time Clay was with us. One lucky fan will go home tonight with one of his kidneys.
Paris Hilton is still on the loose. She checks into jail on June 5, for 45 days. But maybe not 45 days. She can get one day off for every day of good behavior, so she can do as little as 22 days. My guess is she’ll only be in there for four hours. By the time they finish the cavity search, she’ll be in the trunk of a limo and on her way back to the sky bar.
The most famous celebrity legal drama of all still belongs to O.J. Simpson. Friday, O.J. was at the Kentucky Derby. He sat down to eat at a steak house there, and the owner came up said, "Get out of here.” O.J. left very quietly, but according to the owner, his female companion made a bit of a scene. O.J.’s attorney issued a statement saying, "He screwed with the wrong guy.” Yeah. O.J.’s the kind of guy who might kill you. He might take one of those steak knives and polish you off.
Leno
How about these fires? Even celebrities have been affected by the fires. Last night David Hasselhoff was lying on the floor eating a flame-broiled hamburger.
The price of gas closing in on four dollars a gallon. Everyone is affected. I saw a gardener using his hands to blow leaves.
Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail. She sent a petition to Gov. Schwarzenegger, asking him to pardon her. Isn’t that amazing? She knew who the governor was!
Letterman
Sunday is Mother’s Day. It’s a day to remind you why you are in therapy.
Looking back, I guess I had a difficult childhood. Thank God I had an imaginary friend. And my mom liked him better.
Did you hear about the guy at Circuit City? An employee at Circuit City busted up a terrorist ring. I’m thinking, no wonder I can never get a salesman to help me pick out an answering machine.
This guy’s pretty good. Not only did he bust up a terrorist ring, he sold them a bunch of crap they didn’t need.
Conan
Prime Minister Tony Blair just announced he will step down next month, which means President Bush will lose his closest foreign ally. Bush was sad, and said, "Now the only foreign leader I can trust is Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
This week a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his Plan B is if the current plan in Iraq doesn’t work. The Plan B discussion was difficult for Bush because it involves two areas where he’s extremely vulnerable: Iraq and the alphabet.
Jessica Simpson announced that she has to avoid eating dairy products because, this is her quote, "It makes me emit gas from all ends.” It’s all in her new book, "Just in Case You Thought I was Hot.”
Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter revealed that he drives a Chevy Suburban with 274,000 miles on it. Despite all those miles, the Suburban has a much better chance of making it to the ’08 election than Duncan Hunter.
Ferguson
Last night at the Boston Symphony Hall there was a fight. Between classical music fans! There wasn’t even a video game involved.
The whole country’s going nuts. Even the animals are going nuts. There was a squirrel attack this morning at a California Elementary. He was caught though. If we give in now, the squirrels win.
The British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he’s stepping down. I have great respect for Tony Blair. He helped bring peace to Northern Ireland. If you can get the Protestants and Catholics to work things out, you can solve anything. You can solve the Israeli-Palestinian crisis, and even the ultimate challenge: Rosie and Trump.
Kimmel
Clay Aiken is here tonight. I want to extend a welcome to all of the "Claymates” that are here tonight. They have been camped out to see him since the last time Clay was with us. One lucky fan will go home tonight with one of his kidneys.
Paris Hilton is still on the loose. She checks into jail on June 5, for 45 days. But maybe not 45 days. She can get one day off for every day of good behavior, so she can do as little as 22 days. My guess is she’ll only be in there for four hours. By the time they finish the cavity search, she’ll be in the trunk of a limo and on her way back to the sky bar.
The most famous celebrity legal drama of all still belongs to O.J. Simpson. Friday, O.J. was at the Kentucky Derby. He sat down to eat at a steak house there, and the owner came up said, "Get out of here.” O.J. left very quietly, but according to the owner, his female companion made a bit of a scene. O.J.’s attorney issued a statement saying, "He screwed with the wrong guy.” Yeah. O.J.’s the kind of guy who might kill you. He might take one of those steak knives and polish you off.
