Thursday, May 24, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Gasoline reached an all time high yesterday. It’s unbelievable. Gas is so expensive in Malibu, I actually some straight guys rollerblading.
Over $4 a gallon in Beverly Hills. You know the company BP. You know what BP stands for? Bend over pal!
President Bush was caught driving his truck without his seatbelt, the other day, at the ranch. That wasn’t even the dangerous part. The dangerous part was Dick Cheney was riding shotgun.
Did you see Paris walking around with the Bible? It wasn’t even the Bible. It’s was a book called "The Bible for Dummies.”
Letterman
Here’s how lovely it is today here in New York City. Earlier today, Jason Giambi tested positive for Hawaiian Punch.
It’s Fleet Week. Everyone’s all excited. The hookers in Times Square were advertising their prices in semaphore.
It’s the only time of the year when people don’t make fun of me when I go out in my sailor suit.
How about this? A 60-year-old woman gave birth with twins. She was in labor for 16 years. The kids came out and asked for the car keys.
Conan
When former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey’s wife found out her husband was gay, she went to Hillary Clinton for advice. Hillary, said, "Gay! I wish I had your problem.”
Iraqi leader Jalal Talabani has come to the United States and checked into a weight loss clinic because he’s dangerously obese. A spokesperson says you can’t blame the leader of Iraq for eating every meal like it’s his last.
Yesterday in New Jersey, a 60-year-old woman became the oldest woman to give birth to a pair of twins. Afterwards, the 60-year-old woman said, "It’s nice bouncing something on my knees other than my breasts.
Paris Hilton is going to jail soon. It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation. She’s carrying a Bible around. Experts say it’s because she’s trying to make people see her in a new light. I think it’s working too, because everywhere Paris goes people say, "Look — that skank is carrying a Bible!”
Ferguson
I had to see an orthodontist today. Apparently I need implants in my mouth. It sounds better than it is.
Yeah, I need implants, and the orthodontist needs a new boat.
Today is the last day of sweeps. That’s when the TV networks put on their best shows to entice the advertisers. If you think tonight’s show is crap, wait until tomorrow.
My friend Drew Carey — it’s his birthday. Drew is 49. Across the waist.
Kimmel
The votes have been counted. After 44 grueling weeks of karaoke and more than 5,000 close encounters with Simon Cowell’s nipples, we have a new American Idol.
It’s hard to believe the season’s really over. It seems like just yesterday that Sanjaya was winning our hearts and poisoning our ears.
The real showdown was on "The View” this morning. When Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced that she was pregnant last month, Rosie O’Donnell announced on her blog that she wouldn’t fight with her anymore, because obviously when someone is pregnant, they can get upset, and there’s always the danger that Rosie might eat the baby.
Leno
Gasoline reached an all time high yesterday. It’s unbelievable. Gas is so expensive in Malibu, I actually some straight guys rollerblading.
Over $4 a gallon in Beverly Hills. You know the company BP. You know what BP stands for? Bend over pal!
President Bush was caught driving his truck without his seatbelt, the other day, at the ranch. That wasn’t even the dangerous part. The dangerous part was Dick Cheney was riding shotgun.
Did you see Paris walking around with the Bible? It wasn’t even the Bible. It’s was a book called "The Bible for Dummies.”
Letterman
Here’s how lovely it is today here in New York City. Earlier today, Jason Giambi tested positive for Hawaiian Punch.
It’s Fleet Week. Everyone’s all excited. The hookers in Times Square were advertising their prices in semaphore.
It’s the only time of the year when people don’t make fun of me when I go out in my sailor suit.
How about this? A 60-year-old woman gave birth with twins. She was in labor for 16 years. The kids came out and asked for the car keys.
Conan
When former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey’s wife found out her husband was gay, she went to Hillary Clinton for advice. Hillary, said, "Gay! I wish I had your problem.”
Iraqi leader Jalal Talabani has come to the United States and checked into a weight loss clinic because he’s dangerously obese. A spokesperson says you can’t blame the leader of Iraq for eating every meal like it’s his last.
Yesterday in New Jersey, a 60-year-old woman became the oldest woman to give birth to a pair of twins. Afterwards, the 60-year-old woman said, "It’s nice bouncing something on my knees other than my breasts.
Paris Hilton is going to jail soon. It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation. She’s carrying a Bible around. Experts say it’s because she’s trying to make people see her in a new light. I think it’s working too, because everywhere Paris goes people say, "Look — that skank is carrying a Bible!”
Ferguson
I had to see an orthodontist today. Apparently I need implants in my mouth. It sounds better than it is.
Yeah, I need implants, and the orthodontist needs a new boat.
Today is the last day of sweeps. That’s when the TV networks put on their best shows to entice the advertisers. If you think tonight’s show is crap, wait until tomorrow.
My friend Drew Carey — it’s his birthday. Drew is 49. Across the waist.
Kimmel
The votes have been counted. After 44 grueling weeks of karaoke and more than 5,000 close encounters with Simon Cowell’s nipples, we have a new American Idol.
It’s hard to believe the season’s really over. It seems like just yesterday that Sanjaya was winning our hearts and poisoning our ears.
The real showdown was on "The View” this morning. When Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced that she was pregnant last month, Rosie O’Donnell announced on her blog that she wouldn’t fight with her anymore, because obviously when someone is pregnant, they can get upset, and there’s always the danger that Rosie might eat the baby.
