Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Earlier today, President Bush unveiled his tough new immigration policy. He wants to deport Jimmy Carter.
I guess you know by now, over the weekend, Jimmy Carter called President Bush and his administration the worst in history. President Bush’s approval numbers have dropped as low as 28 percent. That’s the lowest for any president since . . . Jimmy Carter, so he knows what he’s talking about.
It’s been a rough week for President Bush. He was caught driving, by reporters, not wearing his seatbelt. He was down on his ranch, driving around without his seatbelt on. His aide says that he just refuses to buckle up. You know, Bill Clinton had the exact same problem.
Democrats announced that they are going to have six debates in six different cities all around the country. The good news . . . Hillary Clinton will use a different accent for each city.
Letterman
It’s Fleet Week. There will be ships in the harbor until Memorial Day or until they’re stolen.
New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver.
Did you hear about Paula Abdul? She tripped over her Chihuahua and broke her nose. She’s going to be fine, but the doctor told her to wait at least six weeks before having sex with a contestant.
She broke her nose, but the good news is she did not spill her gin and tonic.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Suprises In Al Gore's New Book (Presented by Charles Barkley)
10. Dedicated to his "soulmate" Lindsay Lohan
9. 52 chapters . . . to match his waist size
8. Chastises Bill Clinton for not sharing the hot intern action
7. After the 2000 election, shaved his head and checked into rehab
6. All proceeds go to Paris Hilton's legal defense fund
5. The threat that keeps him up at night? A massive Fritos shortage
4. In his opinion there's no species more endangered than the Yankees pitching staff
3. Besides the internet, also claims to have invented Keno
2. If Blake loses "American Idol," plans to appeal to the Supreme Court
1. Brags that he has now written more books than President Bush has read
Conan
All the presidential candidates are campaigning hard. Barack Obama recently spent two days campaigning in New Hampshire. Every where he went Barack was greeted with "Go Barack,” "Beat Hillary,” and "Hey, look — it’s a black guy!”
The president of Iraq, Jalal Talabani, is apparently dangerously obese; so he came to the United States to check into a weight loss clinic. Talabani says he came here because "America may not know how to run Iraq, but they sure as hell know how to run a fat camp.”
A new comic book has come out that features Latino super heroes. Apparently the Latino Batman lives in Cuba and drives a ’63 Chevy.
Paula Abdul has apparently broken her nose after tripping over her dog. When asked how the accident happened, Paula said, "My dog was trying to drink out of the same toilet I was throwing up in.”
Ferguson
New York City announced they are making all the taxi cabs hybrids. This is a big step toward eliminating pollution . . . Now all they need to do is get the drivers to wear deodorant, get the people to stop urinating in street.
The whole place will smell like Ryan Seacrest’s handbag!
The first "American Idol” finale was on tonight and I watched it. The sparkly outfits, the tears, the highlighted hair — and that’s just Ryan Seacrest!
Kimmel
It's night two for Ozzie Osbourne. Ozzie was here with us last night, and unfortunately, I couldn’t understand most of what he said, so tonight we’re going to do it over again.
Paula Abdul tripped trying not to step on her Chihuahua Tulip, and she broke her nose. They’re saying this is the most serious Chihuahua-related incident since Paris Hilton tripped over Tinkerbell and fell into a sex video.
I saw a shocking picture of her today. She was not only carrying books, one of the books is the Bible. I’m pretty sure she stole it from one of her parents’ hotel room.
She’s been carrying these books around for a couple of days now. She keeps trying to stuff them into the VCR.
Leno
Earlier today, President Bush unveiled his tough new immigration policy. He wants to deport Jimmy Carter.
I guess you know by now, over the weekend, Jimmy Carter called President Bush and his administration the worst in history. President Bush’s approval numbers have dropped as low as 28 percent. That’s the lowest for any president since . . . Jimmy Carter, so he knows what he’s talking about.
It’s been a rough week for President Bush. He was caught driving, by reporters, not wearing his seatbelt. He was down on his ranch, driving around without his seatbelt on. His aide says that he just refuses to buckle up. You know, Bill Clinton had the exact same problem.
Democrats announced that they are going to have six debates in six different cities all around the country. The good news . . . Hillary Clinton will use a different accent for each city.
Letterman
It’s Fleet Week. There will be ships in the harbor until Memorial Day or until they’re stolen.
New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver.
Did you hear about Paula Abdul? She tripped over her Chihuahua and broke her nose. She’s going to be fine, but the doctor told her to wait at least six weeks before having sex with a contestant.
She broke her nose, but the good news is she did not spill her gin and tonic.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Suprises In Al Gore's New Book (Presented by Charles Barkley)
10. Dedicated to his "soulmate" Lindsay Lohan
9. 52 chapters . . . to match his waist size
8. Chastises Bill Clinton for not sharing the hot intern action
7. After the 2000 election, shaved his head and checked into rehab
6. All proceeds go to Paris Hilton's legal defense fund
5. The threat that keeps him up at night? A massive Fritos shortage
4. In his opinion there's no species more endangered than the Yankees pitching staff
3. Besides the internet, also claims to have invented Keno
2. If Blake loses "American Idol," plans to appeal to the Supreme Court
1. Brags that he has now written more books than President Bush has read
Conan
All the presidential candidates are campaigning hard. Barack Obama recently spent two days campaigning in New Hampshire. Every where he went Barack was greeted with "Go Barack,” "Beat Hillary,” and "Hey, look — it’s a black guy!”
The president of Iraq, Jalal Talabani, is apparently dangerously obese; so he came to the United States to check into a weight loss clinic. Talabani says he came here because "America may not know how to run Iraq, but they sure as hell know how to run a fat camp.”
A new comic book has come out that features Latino super heroes. Apparently the Latino Batman lives in Cuba and drives a ’63 Chevy.
Paula Abdul has apparently broken her nose after tripping over her dog. When asked how the accident happened, Paula said, "My dog was trying to drink out of the same toilet I was throwing up in.”
Ferguson
New York City announced they are making all the taxi cabs hybrids. This is a big step toward eliminating pollution . . . Now all they need to do is get the drivers to wear deodorant, get the people to stop urinating in street.
The whole place will smell like Ryan Seacrest’s handbag!
The first "American Idol” finale was on tonight and I watched it. The sparkly outfits, the tears, the highlighted hair — and that’s just Ryan Seacrest!
Kimmel
It's night two for Ozzie Osbourne. Ozzie was here with us last night, and unfortunately, I couldn’t understand most of what he said, so tonight we’re going to do it over again.
Paula Abdul tripped trying not to step on her Chihuahua Tulip, and she broke her nose. They’re saying this is the most serious Chihuahua-related incident since Paris Hilton tripped over Tinkerbell and fell into a sex video.
I saw a shocking picture of her today. She was not only carrying books, one of the books is the Bible. I’m pretty sure she stole it from one of her parents’ hotel room.
She’s been carrying these books around for a couple of days now. She keeps trying to stuff them into the VCR.
