Friday, May 25, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Congratulations to republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani. He celebrated a wedding anniversary today. He also has another one tomorrow, and two on Monday, if I’m not mistaken. Very busy weekend.
It’s starting to get nasty out there on the campaign trail. A new book out by veteran Democratic strategist Robert Shrum claims when asked about gay rights, John Edwards said he was "not comfortable around those people." Do you believe that? How does a guy who spends 400 bucks to get his hair styled not like gay people?
How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000 to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that kind of money.
Some of Michael Jackson’s personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won’t be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy.
Letterman
Beautiful day today. It’s like Regis Philbin: Sunny and 84.
In New York City, it’s Fleet Week. The United States naval fleet is here. They’re here to keep peace on "The View.”
Congratulations to Jordin Sparks. She’s the new American Idol. The moment was spoiled when Paula Abdul tripped over her.
Conan
Last night 17-year-old Jordin Sparks won "American Idol.” She’s the youngest winner ever. To give you some idea how young she is, she called Simon Cowell, "Mr. A-hole.”
Paris Hilton has been spotted carrying a Bible around. A lot of people think she’s only trying to improve her image. Paris denied this and said, "I’m very religious. In fact, I scream out ‘Oh God’ more than anyone.”
Apple Computer is suing the manufacturer of a vibrator called "The Igasm” because they say it infringes on the IPod’s copyright. Legal experts say Apple has a good case because the vibrator holds up to 15 songs.
A 60-year-old woman who just gave birth to twins, says, "Age has been redefined.” Her doctor said, "That’s easy for you to say. You didn’t have to see what I was looking at."
Ferguson
Michael Jackson is in the Middle East. Bahrain. He’s appearing at a private birthday party for $10 million. It’s a children’s birthday party. It’s only $10 million, but it’s all Michael could afford.
A guy in Cairo tried to sneak 700 snakes on to a plane. I wonder where he got the idea for snakes on a plane.
Congratulations to Vice President Dick Cheney. Yesterday his daughter gave birth to a baby boy. Isn’t his daughter a . . . uh . . . I guess I know a lot less than I thought I knew.
Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of the premier of "Star Wars.” They’re having a huge convention with 10,000 fans. Last night at the convention center they had a 17-hour marathon screening of all the "Star Wars” films. It’s amazing how much fun you can have when you’re not tied down to a girlfriend, or your own apartment, or self esteem . . .
Leno
Congratulations to republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani. He celebrated a wedding anniversary today. He also has another one tomorrow, and two on Monday, if I’m not mistaken. Very busy weekend.
It’s starting to get nasty out there on the campaign trail. A new book out by veteran Democratic strategist Robert Shrum claims when asked about gay rights, John Edwards said he was "not comfortable around those people." Do you believe that? How does a guy who spends 400 bucks to get his hair styled not like gay people?
How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000 to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that kind of money.
Some of Michael Jackson’s personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won’t be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy.
Letterman
Beautiful day today. It’s like Regis Philbin: Sunny and 84.
In New York City, it’s Fleet Week. The United States naval fleet is here. They’re here to keep peace on "The View.”
Congratulations to Jordin Sparks. She’s the new American Idol. The moment was spoiled when Paula Abdul tripped over her.
Conan
Last night 17-year-old Jordin Sparks won "American Idol.” She’s the youngest winner ever. To give you some idea how young she is, she called Simon Cowell, "Mr. A-hole.”
Paris Hilton has been spotted carrying a Bible around. A lot of people think she’s only trying to improve her image. Paris denied this and said, "I’m very religious. In fact, I scream out ‘Oh God’ more than anyone.”
Apple Computer is suing the manufacturer of a vibrator called "The Igasm” because they say it infringes on the IPod’s copyright. Legal experts say Apple has a good case because the vibrator holds up to 15 songs.
A 60-year-old woman who just gave birth to twins, says, "Age has been redefined.” Her doctor said, "That’s easy for you to say. You didn’t have to see what I was looking at."
Ferguson
Michael Jackson is in the Middle East. Bahrain. He’s appearing at a private birthday party for $10 million. It’s a children’s birthday party. It’s only $10 million, but it’s all Michael could afford.
A guy in Cairo tried to sneak 700 snakes on to a plane. I wonder where he got the idea for snakes on a plane.
Congratulations to Vice President Dick Cheney. Yesterday his daughter gave birth to a baby boy. Isn’t his daughter a . . . uh . . . I guess I know a lot less than I thought I knew.
Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of the premier of "Star Wars.” They’re having a huge convention with 10,000 fans. Last night at the convention center they had a 17-hour marathon screening of all the "Star Wars” films. It’s amazing how much fun you can have when you’re not tied down to a girlfriend, or your own apartment, or self esteem . . .
