Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
As of July 1, Allstate Insurance Company will stop selling new policies to homeowners in California because we have too many disasters. They shouldn’t have the right to call themselves "Allstate.” Maybe they should change their name to "Some-states.”
The price of gasoline passed four dollars a gallon in California. Gas is so expensive now a lot of people are only planning summer trips within walking distance from their homes.
Today, President Bush introduced plans to cut the nation’s addiction to oil. And Dick Cheney, who’s in the Middle East, said, "I can’t leave that guy for two minutes and he does something stupid like this.”
Mitt Romney, speaking about his Mormon religion, said that he can’t imagine anything worse than polygamy. He said he can’t imagine anything worse than having more than one wife. Then Bill Clinton gave a rebuttal.
Letterman
New York City was hosting a four-day Global Warming Summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it.
Former President Bill Clinton was a speaker at the Global Warming Summit, and he says that he has been very, very concerned about global warming. In fact, earlier this week, another chunk of ice fell off his wife.
Paris Hilton is going to jail. I’ve been thinking about this, and I think, "Paris, being in jail isn’t going to be that bad. It’ll give you plenty of time to read . . . well, it’ll give you plenty of time to write . . . and . . .oh no, you’re in trouble Paris.”
Over the weekend, Donald Trump became a grandfather. They say the new Trump grandbaby is a chip off the old block. She’s already feuding with Rosie O’Donnell.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Mitt Romney
10. Name is short for "Mitzi”
9. In favor of tax cuts for hunky white dudes
8. Starts each day by wrasslin’ a gator
7. Made his fortune by selling counterfeit Prada handbags
6. Won NRA endorsement by vowing to shoot twice as many old guys as Cheney
5. Once defeated Chuck Liddell for Ultimate Fighting Championship title
4. Is the model on packages of Jockey underpants
3. When he leaves politics, plans to spend golden years with his hair
2. Would be first Mitt in White House since Mitt Quincy Adams
1. Besides Hillary, only candidate that wears a bra
Conan
President Bush was busy over the weekend. In Virginia he attended some big event, and I guess he got up at one point on the spur of the moment and he conducted a 400-piece orchestra. Apparently, it was the first time ever a 400-piece orchestra has ever played "The Wheels on the Bus.”
The other day a group that researches ancestry said that President Bush is related to Pocahontas. Native Americans were furious. They said, "First you take our land, now you blame us for President Bush.”
The presidential campaign is heating up. Earlier today, Sen. Barack Obama was endorsed by the mayor of Newark, N.J. Afterwards, Obama told the Newark mayor, "Thanks, but do you mind keeping this between us?”
In a new video promoting Hillary Clinton’s campaign, former President Clinton says, "Of all the candidates, Hillary has the best combination of mind and heart. Unfortunately, those are the only two parts of the female body that don’t turn me on.”
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled "The Apprentice.” You just know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say, "You’re fired.”
I’m sure he’ll be all right. His toupee is joining the cast of "Lost.”
This is a big week in television. This is the week all the networks unveil their new shows to the advertisers. They get a preview of all the shows that are going to get canceled in the fall.
Leno
As of July 1, Allstate Insurance Company will stop selling new policies to homeowners in California because we have too many disasters. They shouldn’t have the right to call themselves "Allstate.” Maybe they should change their name to "Some-states.”
The price of gasoline passed four dollars a gallon in California. Gas is so expensive now a lot of people are only planning summer trips within walking distance from their homes.
Today, President Bush introduced plans to cut the nation’s addiction to oil. And Dick Cheney, who’s in the Middle East, said, "I can’t leave that guy for two minutes and he does something stupid like this.”
Mitt Romney, speaking about his Mormon religion, said that he can’t imagine anything worse than polygamy. He said he can’t imagine anything worse than having more than one wife. Then Bill Clinton gave a rebuttal.
Letterman
New York City was hosting a four-day Global Warming Summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it.
Former President Bill Clinton was a speaker at the Global Warming Summit, and he says that he has been very, very concerned about global warming. In fact, earlier this week, another chunk of ice fell off his wife.
Paris Hilton is going to jail. I’ve been thinking about this, and I think, "Paris, being in jail isn’t going to be that bad. It’ll give you plenty of time to read . . . well, it’ll give you plenty of time to write . . . and . . .oh no, you’re in trouble Paris.”
Over the weekend, Donald Trump became a grandfather. They say the new Trump grandbaby is a chip off the old block. She’s already feuding with Rosie O’Donnell.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Mitt Romney
10. Name is short for "Mitzi”
9. In favor of tax cuts for hunky white dudes
8. Starts each day by wrasslin’ a gator
7. Made his fortune by selling counterfeit Prada handbags
6. Won NRA endorsement by vowing to shoot twice as many old guys as Cheney
5. Once defeated Chuck Liddell for Ultimate Fighting Championship title
4. Is the model on packages of Jockey underpants
3. When he leaves politics, plans to spend golden years with his hair
2. Would be first Mitt in White House since Mitt Quincy Adams
1. Besides Hillary, only candidate that wears a bra
Conan
President Bush was busy over the weekend. In Virginia he attended some big event, and I guess he got up at one point on the spur of the moment and he conducted a 400-piece orchestra. Apparently, it was the first time ever a 400-piece orchestra has ever played "The Wheels on the Bus.”
The other day a group that researches ancestry said that President Bush is related to Pocahontas. Native Americans were furious. They said, "First you take our land, now you blame us for President Bush.”
The presidential campaign is heating up. Earlier today, Sen. Barack Obama was endorsed by the mayor of Newark, N.J. Afterwards, Obama told the Newark mayor, "Thanks, but do you mind keeping this between us?”
In a new video promoting Hillary Clinton’s campaign, former President Clinton says, "Of all the candidates, Hillary has the best combination of mind and heart. Unfortunately, those are the only two parts of the female body that don’t turn me on.”
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled "The Apprentice.” You just know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say, "You’re fired.”
I’m sure he’ll be all right. His toupee is joining the cast of "Lost.”
This is a big week in television. This is the week all the networks unveil their new shows to the advertisers. They get a preview of all the shows that are going to get canceled in the fall.
