Thursday, May 17, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Letterman
"Boy, it’s been rainy here in New York City. Rained again today – didn’t it rain yesterday, rained the last four, five days, going to rain tomorrow ... Here’s what I hate when it rains like this: standing water. There is so much standing water in New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, Mayor Bloomberg had to give a press conference sitting on a guy’s shoulders.”
"If I seem a little nervous, here’s what it is: it’s tax time. Are you folks a little uncomfortable? And I don’t know, we were supposed to file Friday, supposed to file today – I don’t know when you’re supposed to file. All I know is I don’t want to go to prison. And my accountant – I don’t know if this is the guy to be doing business with, but he says to me, he says, ‘Don’t worry, ‘he says, ‘If there’s an audit and you end up in prison, I’ll treat you to the conjugal visit.’”
"Ladies and gentlemen, here’s good news – Regis Philbin is coming back to his show next Thursday. Next Thursday, yep, not a minute too soon – they’re running out of guest hosts. They’re already up to the ‘Ts’ in the phone book…As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, Kelly Ripa co-hosted the show with Larry Birkhead.”
"But I think Regis is pretty much ready to go. You know, coming back to a show after you’ve had open heart surgery, that’s tough, but I think Regis is ready to go. Although, they say he’ll probably co-host the first week with a catheter.”
"Prom season – oh my gosh, prom season already, ladies and gentlemen. How many folks remember your – how many folks remember your prom? And did you rent a limousine and have a chauffeur and stuff like that? Yeah, I’m telling you, it brings back nightmares every time it’s prom season because I had the chauffeur and rented the limousine and my date, and later she’s making out with the driver.”
"And then I remember I pinned the corsage on my date, my very first prom. Do you remember your first date, first prom? I pinned the corsage on her, and poof, she deflated.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Pope Benedict The Sixteenth Celebrated His 80th Birthday
10. Enjoyed Carvel's delicious "Fudgy The Apostle" cake
9. Excommunicated bishop who said, "You're 80 years young"
8. Watched "Idol" with his kitties Felix and Oscar
7. Spent a quiet evening alone with his hat
6. Glued to the radio to see if he was going to get a birthday shout-out from Scott & Todd In The Morning
5. Just generally poping it up
4. Drift raced the Popemobile through the streets of Vatican City
3. Manicure/pedicure
2. Thanked God he doesn't look as old as Letterman
1. Declared "Holy War" on a bottle of Jagermeister
Letterman
"Boy, it’s been rainy here in New York City. Rained again today – didn’t it rain yesterday, rained the last four, five days, going to rain tomorrow ... Here’s what I hate when it rains like this: standing water. There is so much standing water in New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, Mayor Bloomberg had to give a press conference sitting on a guy’s shoulders.”
"If I seem a little nervous, here’s what it is: it’s tax time. Are you folks a little uncomfortable? And I don’t know, we were supposed to file Friday, supposed to file today – I don’t know when you’re supposed to file. All I know is I don’t want to go to prison. And my accountant – I don’t know if this is the guy to be doing business with, but he says to me, he says, ‘Don’t worry, ‘he says, ‘If there’s an audit and you end up in prison, I’ll treat you to the conjugal visit.’”
"Ladies and gentlemen, here’s good news – Regis Philbin is coming back to his show next Thursday. Next Thursday, yep, not a minute too soon – they’re running out of guest hosts. They’re already up to the ‘Ts’ in the phone book…As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, Kelly Ripa co-hosted the show with Larry Birkhead.”
"But I think Regis is pretty much ready to go. You know, coming back to a show after you’ve had open heart surgery, that’s tough, but I think Regis is ready to go. Although, they say he’ll probably co-host the first week with a catheter.”
"Prom season – oh my gosh, prom season already, ladies and gentlemen. How many folks remember your – how many folks remember your prom? And did you rent a limousine and have a chauffeur and stuff like that? Yeah, I’m telling you, it brings back nightmares every time it’s prom season because I had the chauffeur and rented the limousine and my date, and later she’s making out with the driver.”
"And then I remember I pinned the corsage on my date, my very first prom. Do you remember your first date, first prom? I pinned the corsage on her, and poof, she deflated.”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Pope Benedict The Sixteenth Celebrated His 80th Birthday
10. Enjoyed Carvel's delicious "Fudgy The Apostle" cake
9. Excommunicated bishop who said, "You're 80 years young"
8. Watched "Idol" with his kitties Felix and Oscar
7. Spent a quiet evening alone with his hat
6. Glued to the radio to see if he was going to get a birthday shout-out from Scott & Todd In The Morning
5. Just generally poping it up
4. Drift raced the Popemobile through the streets of Vatican City
3. Manicure/pedicure
2. Thanked God he doesn't look as old as Letterman
1. Declared "Holy War" on a bottle of Jagermeister
