Thursday, April 19, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
There was a scary moment yesterday for Newt Gingrich. At first newt got worried when he heard the IRS this year was cracking down on cheaters. Then he realized guys who cheat on their taxes, not their wives.
Because of the storms back east, over two hundred fifty thousand people are still without power. In fact, it is so bad in Washington D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying emails by hand.
FEMA told congress this week that a revised emergency response plan it was ordered to develop after hurricane Katrina will not be ready by hurricane season. There’s a shock. FEMA not ready? That’s hard to believe. It’s only been two years. I’m surprised that FEMA even knows when hurricane season is.
This week, during appearances in Denver, John Kerry reopened the door to running for president in 2008. You know, somebody should really lock that door. It just keeps swinging open and closing... Kerry said he talked it over with his wife. You know, he needs to raise enough money for a campaign. Which in Kerry’s case is the same thing. Talking it over with his wife and raising [money]...
John Edwards has a new campaign slogan. "Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat.”
According to the "Boston Globe” presidential candidate, John Edwards got two, $400 haircuts at a Beverly Hills salon. Four hundred bucks for a haircut. He also said that he got a $225 facial at a place called the "pink sapphire.” The pink sapphire... doesn’t that sound like something that shows up on your credit card statement, and you quickly have to explain to the wife. "What? It’s a haircut place. It’s a haircut place honey.”
Republican candidate Mitt Romney says that Hillary Clinton is wrong when she says that it takes a village to raise a child. Back when Hillary’s book came out Romney said that Hillary was right, it does take a village to raise a child. For a lifelong hunter this guy sure shoots himself in the foot a lot.
Hugh Hefner announced that he is backing Hillary Clinton. Hillary actually likes Hugh Hefner. Not to be confused with Bill who likes Huge Heifers. That’s a whole different thing.
In a recent interview, first lady Laura Bush said she can't fall asleep at night without reading. She says that her nightstand holds so many books she fears it may collapse. I guess that makes it easy to tell what side of the bed is hers.
Here’s an interesting piece of trivia. Fifty-two years ago today Albert Einstein died. Einstein’s brain was later studied by researchers, who kept his brain inside a portable beer cooler. Einstein’s brain was in a beer cooler. Which, I believe, is the closest that Einstein ever got to attending a NASCAR race.
Scientists this week announced they have discovered proof that chickens were related to dinosaurs. You know, I admit I’ve had some pretty old pieces of chicken from KFC, but I had no idea...
Don Imus apologized to another girls basketball team today: The New York Knicks.
Finally, in royal family news, Prince William has broken with his longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton, under pressure from his family because she was a commoner. I guess they felt this would ruin the royal family’s 900 years of inbreeding.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your NBA Referee Is Nuts
10. Keeps nude photos of NBA Commissioner David Stern in his wallet
9. Refers to the ball as "Peggy" - now that's nuts
8. Refuses to let substitutes come out of the game unless they give two weeks notice
7. Puts ball under his shirt; claims he's carrying LeBron's baby
6. Every time someone makes a basket, he screams "Goooaaaallll!"
5. Thinks the Knicks rebuilding plan is working
4. He has a 24-second clock over his bed - that's worse than calling the ball "Peggy"
3. Well, he's the only one out there on ice skates
2. Allows players extra free throw if they give him a cigarette
1. Asks Kobe for tips on maintaining a monogamous relationship
Leno
There was a scary moment yesterday for Newt Gingrich. At first newt got worried when he heard the IRS this year was cracking down on cheaters. Then he realized guys who cheat on their taxes, not their wives.
Because of the storms back east, over two hundred fifty thousand people are still without power. In fact, it is so bad in Washington D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying emails by hand.
FEMA told congress this week that a revised emergency response plan it was ordered to develop after hurricane Katrina will not be ready by hurricane season. There’s a shock. FEMA not ready? That’s hard to believe. It’s only been two years. I’m surprised that FEMA even knows when hurricane season is.
This week, during appearances in Denver, John Kerry reopened the door to running for president in 2008. You know, somebody should really lock that door. It just keeps swinging open and closing... Kerry said he talked it over with his wife. You know, he needs to raise enough money for a campaign. Which in Kerry’s case is the same thing. Talking it over with his wife and raising [money]...
John Edwards has a new campaign slogan. "Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat.”
According to the "Boston Globe” presidential candidate, John Edwards got two, $400 haircuts at a Beverly Hills salon. Four hundred bucks for a haircut. He also said that he got a $225 facial at a place called the "pink sapphire.” The pink sapphire... doesn’t that sound like something that shows up on your credit card statement, and you quickly have to explain to the wife. "What? It’s a haircut place. It’s a haircut place honey.”
Republican candidate Mitt Romney says that Hillary Clinton is wrong when she says that it takes a village to raise a child. Back when Hillary’s book came out Romney said that Hillary was right, it does take a village to raise a child. For a lifelong hunter this guy sure shoots himself in the foot a lot.
Hugh Hefner announced that he is backing Hillary Clinton. Hillary actually likes Hugh Hefner. Not to be confused with Bill who likes Huge Heifers. That’s a whole different thing.
In a recent interview, first lady Laura Bush said she can't fall asleep at night without reading. She says that her nightstand holds so many books she fears it may collapse. I guess that makes it easy to tell what side of the bed is hers.
Here’s an interesting piece of trivia. Fifty-two years ago today Albert Einstein died. Einstein’s brain was later studied by researchers, who kept his brain inside a portable beer cooler. Einstein’s brain was in a beer cooler. Which, I believe, is the closest that Einstein ever got to attending a NASCAR race.
Scientists this week announced they have discovered proof that chickens were related to dinosaurs. You know, I admit I’ve had some pretty old pieces of chicken from KFC, but I had no idea...
Don Imus apologized to another girls basketball team today: The New York Knicks.
Finally, in royal family news, Prince William has broken with his longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton, under pressure from his family because she was a commoner. I guess they felt this would ruin the royal family’s 900 years of inbreeding.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your NBA Referee Is Nuts
10. Keeps nude photos of NBA Commissioner David Stern in his wallet
9. Refers to the ball as "Peggy" - now that's nuts
8. Refuses to let substitutes come out of the game unless they give two weeks notice
7. Puts ball under his shirt; claims he's carrying LeBron's baby
6. Every time someone makes a basket, he screams "Goooaaaallll!"
5. Thinks the Knicks rebuilding plan is working
4. He has a 24-second clock over his bed - that's worse than calling the ball "Peggy"
3. Well, he's the only one out there on ice skates
2. Allows players extra free throw if they give him a cigarette
1. Asks Kobe for tips on maintaining a monogamous relationship
