Friday, April 20, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
On Capitol Hill Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then everybody had a good laugh and went back to what they were doing.
He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not any more, he deleted everything.
Laura Bush said in an interview today that she can’t fall asleep without reading. As opposed to her husband who can’t read without falling asleep.
Campaign records reveal John Edwards is using campaign money to get $400 haircuts. Edwards insists that this is in keeping with his view that there are two Americas: one that pays $400 for a haircut and the other America that spends its money on stupid things like rent and food.
Letterman
Six days of rain! We’ve had so much water, today the Statue of Liberty, honest to God, was holding up her skirt.
Earlier today, the Rutgers women’s basketball team received an apology from Al Roker.
It was so gloomy and depressing today, Katie Couric was downgraded from perky to peppy.
They say that John Edwards gets expensive facials. What is the deal with Democratic candidates? A male candidate gets facials and the female candidates wear pantsuits.
Kimmel
It’s been 24 hours since Ryan Seacrest told Sanjaya to get out and go home. But now I have zero interest in American Idol! It’s like "Nightmare on Elm Street” without Freddy Kruger.
Tyra Banks is making her case for the most annoying person on television. She has her own daytime talk show, and I think she has a line of fat suits she’s selling now.
I was struck by the plight of one aspiring model named Britney. Britney had a little trouble remembering her dialogue. They were doing like a fake makeup commercial. [Video of Britney: "I just had a really hard time with it because of my short-term memory loss. I got hit by a car when I was 17, and I cracked my head open and got about eight staples in my head, and that affected my short-term memory." Tyra asks another question and video repeats over and over the same line by Britney.]
Leno
On Capitol Hill Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then everybody had a good laugh and went back to what they were doing.
He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not any more, he deleted everything.
Laura Bush said in an interview today that she can’t fall asleep without reading. As opposed to her husband who can’t read without falling asleep.
Campaign records reveal John Edwards is using campaign money to get $400 haircuts. Edwards insists that this is in keeping with his view that there are two Americas: one that pays $400 for a haircut and the other America that spends its money on stupid things like rent and food.
Letterman
Six days of rain! We’ve had so much water, today the Statue of Liberty, honest to God, was holding up her skirt.
Earlier today, the Rutgers women’s basketball team received an apology from Al Roker.
It was so gloomy and depressing today, Katie Couric was downgraded from perky to peppy.
They say that John Edwards gets expensive facials. What is the deal with Democratic candidates? A male candidate gets facials and the female candidates wear pantsuits.
Kimmel
It’s been 24 hours since Ryan Seacrest told Sanjaya to get out and go home. But now I have zero interest in American Idol! It’s like "Nightmare on Elm Street” without Freddy Kruger.
Tyra Banks is making her case for the most annoying person on television. She has her own daytime talk show, and I think she has a line of fat suits she’s selling now.
I was struck by the plight of one aspiring model named Britney. Britney had a little trouble remembering her dialogue. They were doing like a fake makeup commercial. [Video of Britney: "I just had a really hard time with it because of my short-term memory loss. I got hit by a car when I was 17, and I cracked my head open and got about eight staples in my head, and that affected my short-term memory." Tyra asks another question and video repeats over and over the same line by Britney.]
