Thursday, April 12, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
New York was so cold today, people were shaking like Don Imus at the Apollo Theatre.
Don Imus has been fired from MSNBC. I don’t know what he’s going to do now, but I think he can rule out coaching basketball.
I guess Imus learned an important lesson: Once you go black, you ain’t coming back.
A recent study showed that the country of Mexico is generally very accepting of same-sex marriages. Or as they call them down there, "Juan-on-Juan” relationships.
Letterman
Well, now that it’s official: What am I going to do with Anna Nicole’s baby?
How about that Don Imus thing? He apologized to the Rutgers’ women’s basketball team . . . and in my life, I’ve had to apologize to women, but it’s usually in bed.
If I were Don Imus, I wouldn’t be saying anything about other people’s hair.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways to Make Tax Time More Fun
10. Everything that goes to the IRS, I lick.
9. Every time I write the number 8, I draw a hat on top to make it look like a snowman.
8. I try to deduct items that don’t exist, like a jimrod . . . they’ll be trying to figure that one out for years.
7. With each tax return, include some of your favorite "Yo accountant’s so fat” jokes. Like "Yo accountant’s so fat, he gets to claim his giant ass as a dependent.”
6. This time of year, I don’t wear underpants.
5. I don’t think it would be possible to make tax time more fun.
4. Awww crap. It’s tax time?!?
3. The big stack of papers on my desk? I pour some maple syrup and eat ‘em like pancakes.
2. Every year I get to leave the office for five minutes to be part of this stupid Top Ten list.
1. When I finish my work for the season, I treat myself to a whore.
Conan
The White House wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department . . . This person would be called the president of the United States.
House Speaker Pelosi announced she’s considering taking another controversial trip, this time to Iran. And even worse, when she gets back, she’s going fishing with Don Imus.
A producer has been fired from CBS News because Katie Couric taped a story for the news that turned out to be plagiarized from The Wall Street Journal. Viewers became suspicious when they noticed that Couric was reading the story directly out of The Wall Street Journal.
Ferguson
Did you see "American Idol?” The guest judge was J-Lo. Guest-judge Jennifer Lopez. For once, Simon Cowell wasn’t the biggest ass on the show.
Not such a great day for Don Imus. He’s been fired. I don’t think the radio station understands what’s going on. They’ve replaced him with Kramer.
Rudy Giuliani got into trouble because of that presidential question that he was asked — what was the price of a gallon of milk. That’s the question that shows you know the common people.
That doesn’t bother me. What I want to know is, Does the president know the price of the war in Iraq?
Car manufacturers are making cars that change colors. Blue car means you’re depressed . . . red car means you’re angry . . . a rainbow-colored car means . . . . you like to drive on the other side of the road . . .
Kimmel
Sanjaya finally eliminated from American Idol. Not really, he’s still in. But for a moment there, you actually experienced what it would be like to be Sanjaya-free, and for that, I envy you.
Not since Paris Hilton has someone become so famous with so little talent.
I’m sure you know by now, Larry Birkhead won the Anna Nicole baby sweepstakes.
You know, he sold the kid on eBay for 40 million bucks.
Leno
New York was so cold today, people were shaking like Don Imus at the Apollo Theatre.
Don Imus has been fired from MSNBC. I don’t know what he’s going to do now, but I think he can rule out coaching basketball.
I guess Imus learned an important lesson: Once you go black, you ain’t coming back.
A recent study showed that the country of Mexico is generally very accepting of same-sex marriages. Or as they call them down there, "Juan-on-Juan” relationships.
Letterman
Well, now that it’s official: What am I going to do with Anna Nicole’s baby?
How about that Don Imus thing? He apologized to the Rutgers’ women’s basketball team . . . and in my life, I’ve had to apologize to women, but it’s usually in bed.
If I were Don Imus, I wouldn’t be saying anything about other people’s hair.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Ways to Make Tax Time More Fun
10. Everything that goes to the IRS, I lick.
9. Every time I write the number 8, I draw a hat on top to make it look like a snowman.
8. I try to deduct items that don’t exist, like a jimrod . . . they’ll be trying to figure that one out for years.
7. With each tax return, include some of your favorite "Yo accountant’s so fat” jokes. Like "Yo accountant’s so fat, he gets to claim his giant ass as a dependent.”
6. This time of year, I don’t wear underpants.
5. I don’t think it would be possible to make tax time more fun.
4. Awww crap. It’s tax time?!?
3. The big stack of papers on my desk? I pour some maple syrup and eat ‘em like pancakes.
2. Every year I get to leave the office for five minutes to be part of this stupid Top Ten list.
1. When I finish my work for the season, I treat myself to a whore.
Conan
The White House wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department . . . This person would be called the president of the United States.
House Speaker Pelosi announced she’s considering taking another controversial trip, this time to Iran. And even worse, when she gets back, she’s going fishing with Don Imus.
A producer has been fired from CBS News because Katie Couric taped a story for the news that turned out to be plagiarized from The Wall Street Journal. Viewers became suspicious when they noticed that Couric was reading the story directly out of The Wall Street Journal.
Ferguson
Did you see "American Idol?” The guest judge was J-Lo. Guest-judge Jennifer Lopez. For once, Simon Cowell wasn’t the biggest ass on the show.
Not such a great day for Don Imus. He’s been fired. I don’t think the radio station understands what’s going on. They’ve replaced him with Kramer.
Rudy Giuliani got into trouble because of that presidential question that he was asked — what was the price of a gallon of milk. That’s the question that shows you know the common people.
That doesn’t bother me. What I want to know is, Does the president know the price of the war in Iraq?
Car manufacturers are making cars that change colors. Blue car means you’re depressed . . . red car means you’re angry . . . a rainbow-colored car means . . . . you like to drive on the other side of the road . . .
Kimmel
Sanjaya finally eliminated from American Idol. Not really, he’s still in. But for a moment there, you actually experienced what it would be like to be Sanjaya-free, and for that, I envy you.
Not since Paris Hilton has someone become so famous with so little talent.
I’m sure you know by now, Larry Birkhead won the Anna Nicole baby sweepstakes.
You know, he sold the kid on eBay for 40 million bucks.
