Friday, April 13, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Leno
Last night on Fox News, host Sean Hannity said his opinion of the Don Imus scandal is that conservatives are going to be the victims of this. So Don Imus insults the Rutgers women’s basketball team and who’s the victim? Rich white guys.
Hillary Clinton has announced she's going to meet with Rutgers women's basketball team. Haven't these women suffered enough?
Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani getting some flack for not knowing the price of a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. They always ask them that. But he does know what a wedding cake cost because he bought three of them.
According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman 11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy’s been asleep for nine minutes.
Letterman
It’s tax season. Earlier to day, Britney Spears checked herself into an H&R Block.
Here's a great story: A guy in Alaska goes fishing and he catches a 90-year-old fish, a 90-year-old fish. You know, I look at it this way — if I want a 90-year-old fish, I'll just order the seafood platter at Red Lobster.
Guess what else? It's also the 77th birthday of the Twinkie. And I was surprised, because I thought the only 77-year-old Twinkie was Goldie Hawn.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I, Dave Letterman, Have Learned In 60 Years
10. You save a lot of money by making your own hairpieces
9. If I stay healthy, maybe I can make it to 100 — like Regis
8. I owe my success to two groups of viewers: prisoners and shut-ins
7. "Lather" and "rinse" are fine, but "repeat" is just a scam to sell more shampoo
6. Them redneck jokes never get old
5. At staff parties, I always get stuck talking to a guy named "Shecky"
4. For some reason, "Dancing With the Stars" keeps sending my audition tape back
3. Can't think of anything funny? How about this: [video of monkey getting a root canal]
2. If you're missing "The Rachel Ray Show," you're missing out
1. Cookies is tasty
Conan
More people running for president. Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president. But in his official filing, he misspelled the word "president.” Political experts say it’s all part of his plan to attract Bush supporters.
In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton says she doesn’t lie awake at night worrying about attacks from political opponents. She does lie awake at night wondering where the hell her husband is.
A marathon will be run at the North Pole. The winner is the guy who runs 26 miles and can still find his testicles.
Carmen Electra has agreed to be the host of a TV show where women wrestle each other naked. The bad news is, the show is called "The View.”
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Don Imus. It was very hard to know who would go first, Imus or Sanjaya.
I wouldn’t worry about Imus. He’s already working on a new show, "The Amazing Racist.”
What Imus said, I mean cut it out. You should practice self-censorship. I mean, I said I wouldn’t do any jokes about Britney Spears. What did this kid ever do? She put on a schoolgirl outfit and sang, "Oops. I did it again.” This is not Karl Rove! If Karl Rove put on a schoolgirl’s outfit and sang, "Ooops, I did it again,” that would be a crime.
Kimmel
The weather around the whole country today is like something you’d see in a movie. It seems pretty obvious to me that God is sending us a message to stop voting for Sanjaya already.
Chicago has been hit especially hard. Chicagoans are forced to plunge their hands into deep-dish pizzas just to stay warm.
The bad weather even affected the president of Chicago. Oprah had a special hip-hop dancing show which she almost had to cancel on account of the bitter cold.
Leno
Last night on Fox News, host Sean Hannity said his opinion of the Don Imus scandal is that conservatives are going to be the victims of this. So Don Imus insults the Rutgers women’s basketball team and who’s the victim? Rich white guys.
Hillary Clinton has announced she's going to meet with Rutgers women's basketball team. Haven't these women suffered enough?
Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani getting some flack for not knowing the price of a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. They always ask them that. But he does know what a wedding cake cost because he bought three of them.
According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman 11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy’s been asleep for nine minutes.
Letterman
It’s tax season. Earlier to day, Britney Spears checked herself into an H&R Block.
Here's a great story: A guy in Alaska goes fishing and he catches a 90-year-old fish, a 90-year-old fish. You know, I look at it this way — if I want a 90-year-old fish, I'll just order the seafood platter at Red Lobster.
Guess what else? It's also the 77th birthday of the Twinkie. And I was surprised, because I thought the only 77-year-old Twinkie was Goldie Hawn.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I, Dave Letterman, Have Learned In 60 Years
10. You save a lot of money by making your own hairpieces
9. If I stay healthy, maybe I can make it to 100 — like Regis
8. I owe my success to two groups of viewers: prisoners and shut-ins
7. "Lather" and "rinse" are fine, but "repeat" is just a scam to sell more shampoo
6. Them redneck jokes never get old
5. At staff parties, I always get stuck talking to a guy named "Shecky"
4. For some reason, "Dancing With the Stars" keeps sending my audition tape back
3. Can't think of anything funny? How about this: [video of monkey getting a root canal]
2. If you're missing "The Rachel Ray Show," you're missing out
1. Cookies is tasty
Conan
More people running for president. Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president. But in his official filing, he misspelled the word "president.” Political experts say it’s all part of his plan to attract Bush supporters.
In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton says she doesn’t lie awake at night worrying about attacks from political opponents. She does lie awake at night wondering where the hell her husband is.
A marathon will be run at the North Pole. The winner is the guy who runs 26 miles and can still find his testicles.
Carmen Electra has agreed to be the host of a TV show where women wrestle each other naked. The bad news is, the show is called "The View.”
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Don Imus. It was very hard to know who would go first, Imus or Sanjaya.
I wouldn’t worry about Imus. He’s already working on a new show, "The Amazing Racist.”
What Imus said, I mean cut it out. You should practice self-censorship. I mean, I said I wouldn’t do any jokes about Britney Spears. What did this kid ever do? She put on a schoolgirl outfit and sang, "Oops. I did it again.” This is not Karl Rove! If Karl Rove put on a schoolgirl’s outfit and sang, "Ooops, I did it again,” that would be a crime.
Kimmel
The weather around the whole country today is like something you’d see in a movie. It seems pretty obvious to me that God is sending us a message to stop voting for Sanjaya already.
Chicago has been hit especially hard. Chicagoans are forced to plunge their hands into deep-dish pizzas just to stay warm.
The bad weather even affected the president of Chicago. Oprah had a special hip-hop dancing show which she almost had to cancel on account of the bitter cold.
